posted
Hi.. some months ago i knew a guy in some of my classes, he turned to be my best friend, and now he's my boyfriend (since 5 months ago). But I have a problem with him.. I love his internal person, but not his external appearence. He turned my boyfriend because I fell in love of the way he is with me. Sometimes I'm so ashamed of him, just because the way he looks. He's so ugly. And I'm confuse. I'm also ashamed of presenting him to my family, because I know they'll not accept him. A few time ago he told me he wants to marry me... I told him I'm not ready for that yet, but I didn't say no , I just postpone it... He also helps me to study sometimes, because like I said he's in some in my classes.. So I don't want to leave him. I know beauty is not everything in life, but sometimes it bothers me. Should I leave him or stay with him for some while?.. How to do it without hurting his feelings.. He's in love with me. and he's the greatest man I've ever know. But I don't like his uglyness., his face especially. I don't know what to do. I feel bad because of it
-------------------- The past become a dream and a dream always will be a dream Posts: 89 | From: San JOSe, Costa Rica | Registered: May 2002
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posted
You know, how someone looks is part of who they are.
Annd "beauty" and "ugly" are totally arbitrary distinctions. In other words, that YOU find him ugly doesn't mean he is by some final, complete criteria. It means that whatever your personal aesthetics are, he doesn't match them.
One thing that's sticking out for me in this post with some of the things you've said here is making me wonder if you like and love him for who is is primarily...or because of how he feels about YOU. Because for a healthy, happy, ongoing love relationship BOTH of those things need to be primary and reciprocal, not just one.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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quote:what are outside in persons doesn't matter. The important thing is what are you carrying inside.You can be gorgeous, but if you are a bad, rude ,etc person, you're loosing the beauty, in other words you're ugly outside and inside. That kind of shows are so offensive, makes a prototype of the women, trying to make them perfect and nobody is perfect. These programs should be prohibited, perform the alimentary disorders in many young girls, just because trying to look like the perfect girl the judges in the program try to create.
Might be worth revisiting those ideas and using them to see if this is really about how your partner looks, or if it isn't about maybe not really having romantic feelings for him.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Thanks for the reply.. I know nobody is perfect.. I know I should broke with him. It's just that I'm worry about how he can reacts.. he has periods of depression, and leaving him will be terrible for him.. He's perfect in his internal way. So I'm afraid if I could be able to find a guy just like he is, but a external appearence that at least I like.
-------------------- The past become a dream and a dream always will be a dream Posts: 89 | From: San JOSe, Costa Rica | Registered: May 2002
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posted
Thing is, nobody does anyone a favor by staying with them or being with them out of pity. Ever. Over time, anyone in that position will pick up on it eventually -- heck, just you keeping him from meeting your family because you feel ashamed of him has likely already tipped him off -- and it's a terrible blow to self-esteem when it becomes clear that's what was going on. Far more so than a split early in the game before you've invested a lot of your heart and soul over time, and trusted that the person who was with you was honest about their feelings.
Obviously, the ideal thing would have been never to get romantically involved when you knew you just weren't feeling it, but unfortunately, it's too late for that.
So, the best thing to do -- if you're really not feeling it, all of it, are with him out of pity, or love him only or solely because of how he sees and treats you -- is likely to just be plain in terms of loving him as a friend, and wanting to love him romantically, but confess that you're just not feeling it, as much as you'd like to be.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Thank you for the advise. I think I'm afraid to be alone again.. But your advise helps me to think about the relationship. Thank you!!
-------------------- The past become a dream and a dream always will be a dream Posts: 89 | From: San JOSe, Costa Rica | Registered: May 2002
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posted
Being afraid to be alone is yet one more crummy reason to be in a relationship, to boot.
Think about it: if we're not as cozy all by ourselves as can be, then your judgment is necessarily impaired in choosing partners, because we're going to be much more inclined to accept whomever comes along and has interest, since something will seem better than nothing.
And that's something else you can say to your friend so soften the blow, too: to admit that you're afraid of being alone and that it's not really fair (because it's not) to any partner to be with them because of that fear, rather than a strong desire to be with THEM, even when you WERE perfectly happy by yourself.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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