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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Sisters... *sigh*

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Author Topic: Sisters... *sigh*
Member # 27966

Icon 8 posted      Profile for Leabug     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I need a little bit of advice on how to deal with a potentially touchy situation with my 18 year old little sister, we'll call her Sarah.

Sarah's been making a lot of unwise decisions lately, and our mom isn't really involved in either of our lives, as she's a workaholic. For example, Sarah recently told us she was going on a trip to a nearby resort town in the Rockies with her girlfriends... instead, as i found out later, she had taken a Greyhound bus into the next province (a 6 hour trip!) all alone to meet a boy she had talked to online and never met before. Not the wisest choice- she didn't tell anyone where she was going, not even any of her friends.

Lately, she's gotten a job at a music store, and has been going out to clubs and getting trashed every night with coworkers. She came home reeking of smoke a few days ago, and told us that she was mad because her coworkers were blowing smoke at her in the club.

Today, her purse was sitting open on the kitchen table and a box of cigarettes and a lighter were sitting in plain view in her purse. She says she only smokes one a month, but I find this hard to believe, considering the box is almost empty and she couldn't have been smoking for long.

This is all really strange because this isn't the sister I grew up with! She used to be a little nerdy, staunchly against smoking, drinking and drugs, etc...

Now I know I shouldn't act like her mother, but since our own mother is pretty absent, I was wondering- should i bother to inform my mom of these developments? My sister is 18 and I'm 21, but we both live at home and therefore have to live under my mom's rules.

I don't want to be a tattletale, I just don't want her to make a mistake that could get her into serious trouble.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

(and yes, I know that she's still young and discovering who she is, or that it is probably a phase, but my conscience won't let me simply forget about it and let it slide!)

Any help is appreciated!! [Confused]


Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can you talk to her first?

That's what I'd suggest. Try talking to her very directly first before going to your Mom. And I'd be plain, as in, "Hey: you're freaking me out. I absolutely get that your choices should be yours, but it feels like you're just not being yourself and that really worries me."

And it is worry-making, especially when stuff like this IS so far from someone's character. To boot, oftentimes, people who were really reigned in who kinda....go wild, can sometimes go overboard more easily BECAUSE it's outside their experience and general character.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 30781

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Well... I dont really know what to say.

I mean I understand that youre like worried about her and stuff, so then tell her.

Just tell her as her sister you care for her health and her choices.

You cant be her mother, but you can be guidance.

She'll go ahead and say stuff like youre not the boss of me, youre not my mother and i'm old enough to run my own life.

Just tell her you love her and you want to see her in a good place. you want her to be the best she can be and lately you feel she isnt making good decisions to be the best she can be.

Just sit her down and talk to her, sister-to-sister

She should understand where youre coming from.

Hopefully you'll both come to an understanding


Posts: 6 | From: Kew Gardens | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bebop Bodhisattva
Member # 30879

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You definitely should be worried. In my experience, it's the people who feel like they're "making up for lost time" and have something to prove that do the stupidest things.

You need to approach this carefully. Right now, if she's anything like most teens getting into a party scene for the first time, her interactions with you are carefully constructed illusions to insure that you don't penetrate the world she's living in now. Don't expect her to tell you the truth at the beginning.

Make sure not to give the impression that you're trying to control her. Just insure that she knows you care about her, and that she is genuinely hurting you when she does silly things that hurt her. When I first started experimenting, there was certainly nothing my parents or older sister could have told me that could have stopped me. But the thought of how much it might hurt them if I did anything stupid always kept my sexual and pharmaceutical experimentation as responsible as it could be.

Don't try to control her, but make sure she knows that she's not the only one who is affected by her choices.

"This war all around us is being fought over the very meanings of words." - Chad Dumier, Deus Ex

Posts: 25 | From: New York | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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