Hi. I posted a few weeks back, I think, about the relationship I'm currently in, and its reasonably disastrous beginning - namely, that we ended up having sex the same night I had my first kiss, because I was too shy, scared, and insecure to state any boundaries. For the past month and a half, I've been agonizing about whether or not I thought he'd taken advantage of me, and trying to figure out how to talk to him about this.
I finally had something approaching the desired conversation last night while we were in bed together. It didn't really go as planned, it grew more organically than I expected and didn't address everything I'd hoped, but I feel like I've more of a sense for the situation now.
Anyway, what surfaced was this: coming out of a really disastrous attempt on both our parts to have manual sex, we had a conversation about what both of us knew about sex in general and from experience. he, of course, knows that he <i>is</i> my experience; I asked him about his piror knowledge, and he told me that he didn't have a whole lot more than I did, which really surprised me. Sort of shyly, I asked him whether he'd been scared the first time he'd had sex with someone, and he replied (it was a little personal for him), and then I mentioned that I'd been scared out of my wits, because I didn't know what to do. And I explained that when I think I know something, I'm really proactive, but when I feel like I don't know anything at all, I get really passive. And he told me that he takes the opposite approach - that he just tries to act confidently with what he knows, and assumes that people will correct him if he messes up.
From which I've figured out that part of the problem our first night together was that I assumed he knew what he was doing and was too intimidated to say anything. He didn't really know what he was doing, but assumed that I'd correct him if he did anything I didn't like. But I wasn't able to do that... because I was so scared in general and intimidated by him in particular.
That makes me feel a little better about the whole thing, because I'm quite sure now that there was no active intent on his part to take advantage of me, etc. I'm still concerned, however, by the fact that he seems to be pretty dense about social cues. He just doesn't pick up on a lot of things unless told explicitly - at which point he really does listen. I, on the other hand, am a very shy person in interpersonal relations, and have a hard time saying exactly what I mean and want. Last night, for instance, was the first time we'd had a real conversation about what feels good and what doesn't, because I just hadn't been bold enough to really say what I liked and what I didn't.
So. I'm a little troubled by all this. I think I'm the one who probably has more developing to do as far as the relationship goes - I need to learn to speak up more - but I can't help wishing that he were a little more able to pick up when I'm uncomfortable just from body language. His assumption isn't completely illogical - that if I don't like something, I'll say so - but I don't know that he really understands how shy I can be.
-------------------- Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? Posts: 28 | From: Rhode Island | Registered: Oct 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Andromache: He just doesn't pick up on a lot of things unless told explicitly
Maybe you could help him with that. maybe tell him to pay more attention to your facial expressions and body language, explain to him what certain things mean, i guess. other than talking through it, im not sure what you could do.
Sorry to not be so helpful. Good Luck
-------------------- "All is fair in love in war... wait... that doesn't sound right..."
The love you cant have lasts the longest, feels the strongest... & hurts the deepest Posts: 81 | From: Oklahoma, USA | Registered: Jun 2006
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I rely sympathise it sounds like a difficult situation. Just because he's not deliberately taking advantage, his naive asumption does take advantage of you.
I don't agree that it's you "who probably has more developing to do as far as the relationship goes". It's true that you need to stand your ground, but he really needs to learn that he can NOT make asumptions. It's good that you had a talk, but it needn't be the only one. I understand that you maybe shy, but you to tell him clearly, "I have thought further about our conversation, and realised I hadn't actually got accross what i wanted to say; i really needed to say YOU CAN'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ANYMORE. It's unfair to do so."
It isn't just "the way he is", he needs to change that because it's not something he can asume, especially when with you most of the time the reality opposotie to what he asumed.
Posts: 633 | From: Bedfordshire, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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I'm still concerned, however, by the fact that he seems to be pretty dense about social cues. He just doesn't pick up on a lot of things unless told explicitly - at which point he really does listen.
That is a problem that some people do have.
But there are ways of working round it - for example, it sounds like you and he need to agree that he should not just go ahead with stuff and assume that you're okay with it if you don't say anything, unless you explicitly tell him that you are are okay with it.
-------------------- "Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002
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