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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » gf and drugs

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Author Topic: gf and drugs
bobman666
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my gf just recently started smoking weed because her friends do it. i tlked to her about it and told her im against it but she does it anyway not caring about how i feel. she says im not her father. we been together 2 years. she says she needs some sort of way to escape her life nd tht does it for her. she says she feels like shes married at 15 so the weed makes her "Escape". i hate it and i want this to stop but i dont know wat to do
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-Lauren-
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Bobman666,

Going through your post history, it seems that the vast majority of topics you've started have to do with your girlfriend.

quote:
anyway today she says to me "i regret ever getting into a serious relationship with u" she keeps saying shes unhappy with her life. she thinks she made things too serious too young. but she says she doesnt wanna hurt me and she thinks it would devastate her if she ever left me.
quote:
she says she feels like shes married at 15 so the weed makes her "Escape".
All of this, plus the open relationship fiasco, doesn't make what you need to do clear?

This relationship, if not entirely over, is on the rocks. It seems to me you both simply aren't allowing your relationship to change; romance doesn't always last forever, and many relationships form into platonic ones as time passes.

You both are clinging to this and sucking the life out of something that isn't even there. My suggestion is to have a serious talk with your girlfriend about what she wants, and make known what you want.

A 15 year old girl should feel anything BUT "married". Honestly, with you getting together when she was 13, she's likely done a good amount of maturing and changing.

(And the pot? Not caused by anything you've done, nor will she be very likely to listen to you. Make your concerns known, and that's all you can do.)

[ 07-29-2006, 11:15 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

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Faith54
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Miss Lauren hit the nail on the head. You guys need to have a serious sit down. Ask her forwardly what she wants out of this relationship, because it's heading for disaster right now. Once you both have discussed what you want, it's up to you two whether or not to keep going.

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"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

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bobman666
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we talked about it last night and she said that she loves me but needs time away from me. she thinks im too into her life. she asked to not see me or talk to me for the next week to maybe make her miss me or somthing im not sure. this is so hard to do though because i don't really know where things stand right now. she was high again last night and said a lotta stupid things. i don't know what to do anymore. i love her so much and i just want things to be normal again. she said she wants to need me like she used to. but she did until summer started so i dont kno wat shes trying to say. any ideas?
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DarkChild717
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With any addiction, you need to realize that it's not about you, and try as you might, you can't make her help herself. SHE needs to do that for her, and her alone.

Unfortunately, she seems to have made her decision.

I'm sorry.

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virginia36861
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I would say that any 15 year old shouldn't have to sit down with a guy and "explain" what she wants out of a relationship. at this point she is at a very delicate, unsure and emotional time in her life and she needs to have friends along with her boyfriend.. I do disagree with the "pot" because this could lead to a very serious problem, if not already.. A problem that she may be reaching out to someone and does not know the right way to do so. Instead of arguing and breaking up or even discussing this with others, talk to her first and see if you can help her, if not, see if she will talk to someone other than yourself. If she feels "married", then she must feel trapped in such a way a "child" should not feel. this is telling me she needs more space for some reason. are you always there? do you give her time with her friends when she needs this? are you more or less suffocating her because you love her? If you answer Yes to any of these questions, maybe you need to look at the situation differently and maybe just "back off" a little. A 15 yr old is merely an adult, but still a child and most of the time can not make adult decisions like this, as to when to stop using this as an escape or anything else this seriously..For her sake, love her enough to get her some help before this gets greater than even you can handle. If she continues to do this, she will not only have lost her boyfriend, but can lose her life. A teenager goes through alot of changes in their life with peer preasure and relationships and they need to be listened to, respected and even dealt with..Be her friend and let her know she doesnt have to be made to feel "married" at this young age...

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Virginia

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LilBlueSmurf
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I have to respectfully disagree.

I would say that any 15 year old shouldn't have to sit down with a guy and "explain" what she wants out of a relationship

I think ANYONE at ANY age should have to sit down w/ their partner(s) and explain what they want out of their relationship. Can you imagine, if people really communicated like this on a regular basis, how much disappointment and heartbreak one could avoid? It'd be amazing. If boundaries were set and expectations made clear form the beginning, i think it's made communicating about the 'bigger issues' easier and many people would avoid a lot of hurt feelings.

A 15 yr old is merely an adult, but still a child and most of the time can not make adult decisions like this, as to when to stop using this as an escape or anything else this seriously

If someone is 'adult enough' to CHOOSE to use drugs, they need to be adult enough to choose to stop. It's not easy; i fully acknowledge the difficulties that come with being addicted to something (if she is indeed addicted), or the need to use a certain substance/behaviour to 'escape' ... I get it. But to an extent, it is still her choice to keep using.

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Nursing is a work of heart!
~ unknown

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virginia36861
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I also Respectfully disagree. I quoted that statement about the 15 yr old not having to sit down and explain this because being 15 is a very young age and when they feel they are "trapped" into a relationship and being made to feel they are married, is not what 15 year olds should be doing. Being 15 is suppose to be fun, outgoing, friends, spend-the-night parties and so on. As far as the drugs, well it does not mean just because she is 15, she becomes an adult as you had stated. there are alot of "children" that have become addicted to drugs/alcohol just because they tried it a time or two and did not know the consequences behind it. If they had, perhaps they would not have even tried it. In my opinion, you were right about people sitting down and talking about their relaionships . I do agree with this, but at the same time, A child, and yes, 15 is still legally and most of the time mentally, a child, but they should never feel they are "married" to someone. I read this as meaning this person was "trapped" in this relationship and she was looking for an escape on her own. Maybe that is why she turned to this and she did not want to think clearly about what was going on. all situations have so many sides to them and I just see this as being hard on this particular person. I do have teens and when my daughter was in a relationship one time, she cared about this guy, but she didnt want to be "tied" down (in another way to put that is "married") and I told her she never had to feel like that, that she was to young and she didnt have to be so committed to a relationship, because she was to young. She would be missing out on alot of events in school, her growing years and spending time with all her friends at the ballgames and so on.(this particular guy wanted her to be with him every day/night and not go anywhere with any of her friends) How can a 15 year old know excactly what they "want" out of a relationship at such young age? they are still finding themselves at this maturing, mentally and physically growing time in their lives. You are correct about being "adult" enough to try to stop using the drugs, but if that was the case all addicted behaviors would be so much simpler, right? You quoted "I feel anyone at any age" should sit down and explain what they want in a realtionship. I respectfully disagee with this because even at elementary ages, kids have boyfriends/girlfriends, and they do not know the extent of this just yet, how could they? they are children. I feel kids have to grow up first and hearts being broken are just a way to Grow up. But this is a debate about the guy wanting to help his gf stop using the drugs, but at the same time, she is feeling something different. She said he seems like her Father. I feel she needs an adult figure to step in and take control about this, because it may save her life in the end. No " child" should go through this alone and have to feel they are married or their bf is playing the father role. Where is the Father? Maybe he can step in and help her if possible?I would have to say that if she wont listen to him, he may need to just get an adult involved. sometimes we can care about someone, but in this situation perhaps he needs to step aside and get her some help, because the drugs are the main problem here and she can soon get addicted and that will change her life all around for the worse. My heart goes out to her and I do hope they can work this out soon.

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Virginia

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DarkChild717
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Virginia, I think you're missing Smurf's point.

Any relationship: romantic, platonic, parental or otherwise, won't exist solely on it's own. It needs to be nurtured with conversation. It has nothing to do with age. You can't make a friend if you don't communicate in some fashion.

The same is true for romantic relationships. Teenagers, while not "married" as you put it, practice serial monogomy, or being monogomous to one partner, then moving on to a different partner. This is very common. A 15 year old needs to negotiate this just the same as an adult. It's a useful tool to have, to be able to communicate one's feelings.

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virginia36861
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I never meant that a relationship would "function" or grow on its own, and in this situation, it is a little different and when I said "married", that came from the post that we were replying back to. Did you read it? this person said that she felt married and was doing pot to escape from this feeling. this is where this reply came from. I do not feel a 15 yr child should have to sit down and tell someone where she wants this relationship to go. If this guy feels she is looking for a way out, the signs will show this and she may not want to hurt him by saying it in so many words. I am fully agreeable that people should talk out their feelings and adults do need to TALK to one another about what they want or where their relaionship is headed. They are a little different when it comes to comparing teens, children and adults.. It really depends on if you are a child and just finding what a relationship is, compared to an adult... You grow and you learn and you discover all new things with growing, and I just feel 15 yr olds should like guys/girls and they dont have to feel that they are married to anyone for that matter.. that is something we teach them to do as adults. at their age, they should have other things on theri minds anyway, right?

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Virginia

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ladydexter
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But she NEEDS to tell him what she wants from the relationship in order for it to work. Yes, those wants and needs can change in the long run, in which case they need to discuss it again. But if she wants a little space and time to spend with her own friends, and she doesn't sit down with him and say "hey, look, I know you like spending time with me, but I need a little time to do what I want on my own, y'know?" then the whole thing will collapse. It's the same with any relationship.

Imagine going through life just getting angry with people when you don't get what you want, because you didn't tell them what it was you wanted so they could try and provide it. Pretty silly, huh? It's really the same principle, teenager or adult, the fundamental of any relationship is Communication.

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