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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Doomed relationship?

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Author Topic: Doomed relationship?
pixeldot
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I'm having a minor issue with my current relationship.

My boyfriend is a "loser", by all standard definitions of the word. He's 19. He dropped out of college (due to financial reasons. He's looking to go back, but money in his family is too tight right now.), and is jobless. Right now his main concern is his music, which he's completely passionate about, and hoping to make a career of. He's nerdy and nervous, and known to have violent streaks when provoked (Towards his mom and enemies, at least. I've never witnessed it, except for once when he was defending me, but people insist it exists irrationally). Sometimes I fear staying together with him, because I know that marrying him will mean a life of poverty and potential misery. Even my friends question how I could go out with someone with such a reputation.
But despite all of these negatives, I love him. And I know he cares about me too.

I suppose my fears spring from my parents relationship. My parents are completely financially dependent on one another, yet unhappily married. My mom thinks my dad is a worthless slacker, and my dad thinks my mom is an uptight bitch. I hate watching this, thinking that this beautiful love that I feel now could devolve into that.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Any sort of hope, or even anyone saying "Stop dating this guy right now!" (Which I would never, by the by, but I'd look into your reasoning never the less).

[ 06-22-2006, 03:06 AM: Message edited by: pixeldot ]

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joyfulgirl
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he doesn't sound like a loser. yeah, he dropped out of college, but it sounds like that wasn't his choice, just a bad financial situation. and unemployment still doesn't make someone a loser. is he actively looking for a job? it would probably be smart of him to do that, given the financial stuff. and someone being passionate about music is awesome! maybe he could get a job at a music store in his area, or something like that.

the only thing you've said about him that really stands out as bad is that he gets violent sometimes. if this is really a problem for him, maybe he should look into anger management or counseling.

he might just need a little motivation to find a job, and once he gets one maybe his reputation will change. but if you know him and love him, which it sounds like you do, than you really don't need to worry about his reputation. he sounda like a good guy who is just going through a rough time right now.

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Posts: 50 | From: western massachusetts | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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Well when you love someone you love him no matter what his live situation is. If you really loved him, you wouldn't matter if he was rich or poor, if he was well educated or not. I've seen people who were really different from each other and yet still together. But in some cases, it's hard. When you have different lives, different background it's more difficult to connect with your boyfriend. It's like having a age difference with your boyfriend. You can make it but you have to accept all that comes with it. You have to accept that the guys is more experienced and accept that he's been with a lot of woman for example. If you can accept that so it's better for you not to be with him. You can't change his live. So it's the same thing here. If you really love the guy not only should you accept him but the way he's living. Yes you can make him change the way he's living but it's his life not yours at the end so you can't force him to get a job and go to school again. If you don't accept his background ( no education, no job) then maybe it's not a good idea to be with him. Find another person with whom you share more ressemblances. Normally when you really love someone you're ready to accept all the thing that comes with that person meaning the mistakes he made and, in your case, the fact that he has no education. It's your choice, you're not obligated to saty with him if you don't like the way he's living.

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KittenGoddess
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What you haven't mentioned here is what you want. What are your goals in life? Where do you see yourself headed?

I think that it's important to keep in mind that there is a difference between loving or caring about someone and being in a relationship with that person. Because relationships, especially if you are thinking about something "permanent" (be that marriage or handfasting or living together or committed monogamy or whatever...) are messy and complicated. There are bills that have to be paid and decisions that have to be made. And both people need to be on the same page when it comes to a lot of issues.

So it's valuable to decide exactly what it is that is important to you, and what it is that you want. If the two of you can reconcile your priorities and your desires for the future, then fine. If you can't, then that's fine too, it may just indicate that this is not the relationship you want to be in for the long term. And that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you (both of you) reasonable, rational, smart people. It is certainly possible to love someone but find that it's not possible to be in a healthy, reasonable relationship with them.

The violence and anger issues are certainly a red flag as well. People who are violent toward family and others are often violent toward partners eventually as well.

At the very least, I would suggest some relationship counseling if this is a relationship that you have any interest in staying in. That will allow BOTH of you to deal with the issues at hand.

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Cactus9
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KittenGoddess brings up very important points. What you want is of the utmost importance.

You say you love your boyfriend, but you brand him a "loser" and you're worried about money issues when considering marriage. These are signs that you have to evaluate for yourself.

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