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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » without friends

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Author Topic: without friends
sadgirl16
Neophyte
Member # 29363

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Okay, so this is going to be long. I'd really appreciate anyone who has been in a similar situation or just has some advice to respond. Thanks.

So, I go to a very small all girls school and I have basically one best friend. I have a few other people who I like to hang out with, but the people who I'm around at school (like at lunch for instance) are not the kind of people I hang out with outside of school. The kind of people I like to hang out with that actually go to my school all do drugs, smoke, and drink, and I am definitely not into that either. So basically I hang out with my boyfriend, James, who I love, and sometimes we hang out with his best friend and his girlfriend, and then my best friend and her boyfriend. But my best friend would rather be alone with her boyfriend, every single day, and yesterday was the first time this summer when I saw her, and of course her boyfriend was there. I call her almost every day and ask her to hang out alone with me and she always has plans with him.

I think all this was brought on by the fact that James has been out of town since last week and won't be back until Sunday, and I haven't done anything with friends, because they dont really exist. So maybe when he comes home I'll be all better. But I don't really think so.

So I want to make new friends. That's basically what this is about. I just don't know where or how. They definitely aren't going to come from my school. Does anyone know where I can meet new people?

Oh and here's the other part. Last week, things were looking up for me. I started a new job where I met two girls, Sarah and Aly and they are exactly the kind of people I want for my friends. They are nice and funny and fun and pretty and love to talk. So Aly had us to her house (we all just met that Monday) on Friday, and I guess the day before Sarah had gone over alone. Then Friday night we decided we were going out on Sunday night dancing or something. I was so excited and Aly said she would call me Sunday night and we'd leave around 8. So at 8:15 on Sunday, after I called and left a message 20 minutes before, Aly called and said that it was her friend's birthday so she couldn't do it tonight because she was throwing a surprise party, but we'll go some other time. Then, yesterday (Monday) at work Sarah was talking about what a great time she had at Aly's party. I just don't understand why I wasn't invited. And I really like these girls and want them as friends, but it seems like they've got their own thing and I'm just kind of a third wheel kind of thing. Maybe Aly just didn't think about it on Sunday when she called, because today we were talking altogether and Aly said something to Sarah about the party and how she liked it right in front of me, so I don't think she was trying to be mean by not inviting me.

I just feel so bad. I can't explain it. James is basically my only reason for living. I love him so much and we've been going out for a year. But he's my only 'friend' I guess, and he doesn't always want to be with me either, like he needs time with his friends. So when that happens, I sit at home. I definitely don't want to break up, but it's going to happen one of these days, even if it's in a couple years. But when it happens, it just seems like I dunno. Life will be pointless. And I hate this.

So, in conclusion, sorry if you read all this. I sound so stupid and I dunno. I'm sorry. It's just really upsetting. I just want to know what I should do about Aly mainly, and Sarah too. Like I'd feel weird inviting them over, but what else could I do? And I have this fear that they'll be like 'no' or 'I have plans' or whatever. And along with that, would it be weird for me to talk to them about how I feel-like I'm sad because my friends never want to hang out and I just wish I had some new good friends? And finally, where can I meet new people and how can I be more outgoing? Thanks.

Posts: 5 | From: Kansas | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I ask what you mean by this?

quote:
but the people who I'm around at school (like at lunch for instance) are not the kind of people I hang out with outside of school.
It'd help me in answering you.

While I'm waiting on that, do know that rejection is always a possibility with any human interaction. So anytime you ask anyone to come over and hang out, they can say no, and to some degree, that has to be okay. One thing I've learned in my life as a very social person is to do my best to separate myself from worries about rejection, or investment in acceptance, so that when I do something, I can always invite who I'd like, and be okay with whoever shows up, even if some folks I would have liked to have seen don't.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Boldly Obscure
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I don't think it would be weird at all to talk to then about how you feel... it might even be a good way to get closer to them. I've always found that as soon as I share personal stories or information with people I don't know very well, we're much better friends afterwards.

Also, I think you might be overreacting slightly to the whole party thing... Aly probably just didn't think to invite you because she hadn't known you that long and maybe, like you, she thought it might be weird having you over with all of her other friends around. If you want to be friends with her, just be nice and maybe initiate some friendship-forming activities and whatnot. Good luck! [Smile]

Posts: 27 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sadgirl16
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What I mean by the kind of people I eat lunch with, basically is that my best friend and I are into guys, shopping, and being 'girly' I guess. These girls all are into video games, sports, and other things I'm just not into. And none of them have boyfriends, and most of them say they don't want a boyfriend. So this makes me feel like when I talk to them about my boy problems they don't understand or don't think it's important, etc. I want friends, and this is how it is with Aly and Sarah, who love talking about their boyfriends and whats going on with them and what kind of hair straightener they use, etc. Which is dumb, but that's just my personality (we had an entire conversation about which hair straightener brand works best). I just don't get that with the people from my school, besides my best friend.
Posts: 5 | From: Kansas | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sadgirl16
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Aranel, that makes sense about the personal stories. I'm gonna try that, and I guess it'll be when I get up the courage to ask them to do something. But I guess that my reaction to the party thing was that she hadn't known Sarah any longer than she'd known me. We all met Monday. I just kind of felt left out or something.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Okay.

Well, one thing then that I could suggest that might be helpful is to know that plenty of times, our friends don't have to have everything in common with us. Absolutely, it's helpful to have a few things in common, but our friends needn't have everything in common with us: in fact, you might discover in time that when they don't, we can often have really excellent relationships/friendships where we also get to stretch a bit more than either of us might have.

Often, the core thing we need to have in common with friends is just that we want to be friends, that we've interest and caring for the other person, who they are uniquely, and what our vibe is together. I'm guessing you and your boyfriend don't have this stuff in common either, but lo: sounds like you two get along just fine! The same can be the case with platonic friends.

Don't knock yourself, by the way, for having whatever interests you do. Is it possible that a barrier to you making other friendships is you thinking that those who don't have interest in the same things you do will think yours are stupid? Just something to think about.

So, how about looking around your school and your neighborhood for other possible friends close to your age, who just seem like, or you know to be, nice people who are interested in friendships. Sometimes, even with people who seem really different from us, after we start spending some quality time together, we discover that we DO actually have plenty of interests which either are the same, or which dovetail nicely.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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