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Author Topic: Am I just too insecure?
twentysix
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The only other topic I've posted in this forum was about how I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years.

Well, we're back together again, and I don't know if I was sadder without him or not.

He's in Cancun right now. The only thing he says when I call his cell phone is "I'm roaming! I'll talk to you later!" There's no mention of missing me , and I'm always the one saying the I love yous. He was online for 15 minutes, but he was too busy talking to his other friends that he hardly said anything to me. His friends don't even know we're together. On his myspace, it still says he's single.

When he comes back, I'm dumping him for the last time, but I feel so alone. I know he's treating me horribly, but I keep thinking that somehow, things will be like they used to be. Like maybe the high cost of roaming justifies him talking to me like that and hanging up before I can even say bye. But I also know that asking that guy out at school would make me a helluva lot happier, even if he says no. Because I need to move on. But I can't. I feel so dumb for taking him back. I thought I was a lot stronger than that, but apparently not.

I'm so embarassed and feel so stupid. I've had ONE relationship, and because it was my first love, I suppose that I thought it would last forever.

[ 04-22-2006, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: twentysix ]

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-Lauren-
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I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time, twentysix.

While one partner being on vacation could cause a brief break in communication, this crosses the line. Not only is he hanging up on you without letting you say a word, he ignores you even when online.

And not letting any of his friends know you're together/ the myspace thing? Big red flag.

I'm glad to hear that you're giving him the boot. This is not the way you deserve to be treated. I understand that you will feel alone in doing so, but try to remember that it is MUCH better to be treating yourself right on your own rather than to stay in a relationship solely because you are paired with another person-- not to mention the fact that this person mistreats you.

I agree hun, you DO need to move on. I would advise you to NOT ask the guy at school out, though. You may want to consider taking a break from relationships for awhile and focus on making yourself feel happy and complete. Maybe get into some hobbies or sports? Volunteer? Make new friends?

You are not insecure; I can't think of anybody who wouldn't feel the same in this same situation. I hope you can figure out what you need to do to feel happier.

Good luck!

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twentysix
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Thanks for the reassurance, sometimes I feel like I can't talk to anybody about this.
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Heather
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Just FYI?

quote:
I'm so embarassed and feel so stupid. I've had ONE relationship, and because it was my first love, I suppose that I thought it would last forever.

I'd dare you to find the person who NEVER felt that way about their first love, sugar. That's pretty much how just about everyone feels: it's the nature of the thing, and it can be a really hard idea to let go of, especially the very first time.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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likewhoa19
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Actually, I never felt that way even though I had girl friends who were ENCOURAGING me to feel that way. But I was never one of those girls who had a marriage fantasy when she was little, either. I do think feeling like it will last forever is really common. (I just think it's important to correct any generalizations on Scarleteen boards)

[ 04-23-2006, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: likewhoa19 ]

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Heather
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Thus, the "pretty much everyone."

(And as I recall, likewhoa, you've made clear you really haven't had a first big love you were fully invested in/in love with and mutually involved with yet, no?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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likewhoa19
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(I really, really liked the one guy for awhile. Though I never thought he was good-looking, I liked his eyes and there were a lot of other things about him I liked such as personality and the fact we had a lot of common interests. Perhaps part of my obsession was loving the idea of someone liking me. And we weren't sexually active very extensively, but we had a few pretty intense moments. And no, we weren't very committed, b/c I don't think I'd really have an interest to be committed to anyone until I'm say, 30. So maybe it does or doesn't count, per your definition of love...)

[ 04-23-2006, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: likewhoa19 ]

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Heather
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Generally, when we're talking about "first love," we're talking about a mutual relationship in which both parties are pretty intensely invested and very much in love, yeah.

Not so much my personal definition of love, per se, rather the common denominator when most users/people talk about first love here and elsewhere.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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twentysix
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hey miz scarlet, what is your personal definition of love?
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likewhoa19
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I guess I'd be skeptical that most people experience that sort of mutual relationship before pretty late in their lives. Seems to me even those teen couples that hang around each other every day, usually they don't have totally mutual feelings. Even people who get married often don't feel the exact same way about each other. But I guess I'm a cynical person, which is why I don't plan on taking relationships seriously until I'm like 30.

I have to go work now.

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kitka
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twentysix - I'm sorry for your troubles, babe.

Don't apologize that you're feeling any of what you're feeling - and that includes feeling sad, dumb, embarrassed, and everything else. I'm going through a similar situation right now and it's taken me a long time to even start getting back to normal, with the help of counseling. (btw, if you have that option, you might want to look into it - it helps!) So please don't sweat that part.

The thing is to make sure that you don't get into a cycle of making the same mistakes over and over. Any relationship loss, where feelings were mutual, is real and hurts. It'll take a while to sort out the sadder with/sadder without part. You'll probably be sad with either option for a while. That's a matter of human circutry. But try not to tell yourself that you did something wrong or bad or illogical - and I know it's hard not to.

I agree with Lauren - you should take time to get better first. Going for the guy at school will present you AND him with the loose ends of your emotional upset, even if it's not apparent.

Things will not be like they used to be unless he's willing to change. If he's willing to talk to you and be supportive regardless of your relationship status, that's one thing. If he's hanging up on you, that's another thing entirely.

Anyway. Gotta go fulfill my duty as a senator. I hope this helped you.

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kitka
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likewhoa, I for one appreciate your input and your skepticism as well, but I'm not sure that this discussion is the place for it. I'd say that the best relationships are ones where people take the circumstances seriously and acknowledge many shared feelings, while realizing that things can change for worse or better.
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likewhoa19
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yeah, i agree this discussion isn't the place for it. I was knit-picking on a minor point, but I guess since I don't know about the sort of love you're talking about here I can't be much help to twentysix...
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twentysix
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well, thanks for the input anyway. it's always good to put things in perspective.
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twentysix
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quote:
Originally posted by kitka:


I agree with Lauren - you should take time to get better first. Going for the guy at school will present you AND him with the loose ends of your emotional upset, even if it's not apparent.


you're totally right about that. it's just been a long time since i've been single, and it'll take me a while to adjust to things. i really need to re establish myself and figure out what makes me happy before paying attention to other potential partners.
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twentysix
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ahh. well. i told him to get out of my life a couple days ago, and although i feel better that i'm not talking to him, i feel horrible for telling him off x__x
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-Lauren-
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I'm proud of you for getting rid of him. I know it'll be tough at first, but try to remind yourself of all the crap he's given you, and all the things you can focus on now that he's gone.

How are you feeling? Relieved? Sad? Are you keeping occupied with friends/family/hobbies/work/school?

I really hope you can move on and focus on refortifying the areas of your life that you were perhaps forced to ignore. Best wishes!

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twentysix
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I'm both relieved and sad. Relieved, because I don't have to deal with a relationship with a crappy foundation anymore. Sad, because it feels as though I lost someone who was closest to me. However, I keep reminding myself that what I did was for the best because I shouldn't allow anyone to treat me so poorly.

I've been occupied with my family for the most part. We've gone out to breakfast, watched tons of movies, etc. It's nice to know that my family will never dump me haha. My grades have slipped a bit in school, so the majority of my time will be dedicated to fixing that now. My nights will no longer be spent crying on the phone :]

Thank you so much!

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-Lauren-
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You're most welcome!

I'm happy to hear that you're working on getting your life on the mend; I think you're doing great so far!

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