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Author Topic: The *L* word
likewhoa19
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Okay, the l-word I mean here is Love. I was seeing a guy for awhile but we didn't know each other that well and we hadn't done more than a little kissing, and he called me ''Love'' like the pet name. It freaked me out, b/c I immediately felt like it was some sort of an act and he was trying to endear himself to me or something; it just didn't seem natural to call me that before we had even been together for a few months and been more intimate physically. But how do other people feel about this? Do you have problems with pet names or other particularly affectionate gestures (PDA, springing the l-word, etc.) before you know someone very well? (For that matter, how do you handle a situation where one person feels ready and comfortable with those things and the other person doesn't, w/o hard feelings?)
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Heather
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Some of this is individual character stuff.

For instance, my own nature is that pretty much everyone I like, in any regard, is luv, honey, babe, sugar, doll, etc.

So, is this specific to you, or more general?

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Zeqque
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Hey there. Might just be because I'm a brit, but I tend to use 'love' in a similar way I would 'dear'or 'sweetie'. It's probably because I grew up with people who used it that way, but I don't take it as having such serious connotations, i.e. those of fondness and affection rather than of everlasting and fierce romantick-ness.

But in any case, I am someone who is generally uncomfortable with public displays of affection, especially around groups of friends, and boyfriend respects that, for which I am grateful. I'd say the key to coming to a compromise about this sort of thing is to talk to the guy without sounding like you're accusing him of wronging you, as this can be misconstrued. This is purely my own opinion, of course.
Good fortune to you!

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xLaurax
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I don't have a problem with people calling me pet names... i also tend to do it back, i agree with Zeqque, i'm a brit too and i always call people things like "love", i've never really thought about this twice actually. Just something i don't tend to take notice of, i just think people are doing it to be friendly.

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x-x <3 Laura <3 x-x

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likewhoa19
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''So, is this specific to you, or more general?''

I meant the questions more generally, but in the context of romantic relationships. I use names like ''dear'' or ''babe'' casually when I'm talking to my female friends, but not really with my male friends. And I think even with my female friends it has to be someone I know fairly well. This particular guy may not have meant it in a meaningful way, I'm just not used to it in that usage. If he'd said ''Goodbye dear'' it would have annoyed me a little, but for some reason I had a really strong negative reaction to ''Goodbye luv.'' And I'm perfectly fine with large doses of PDA among couples who have been together awhile, but when couples have been together a short while it strikes me as more of an act than something they could feel compelled to do.

But then, in my family outward displays of affection are very infrequent, so I could have a low comfort level for that reason.

[ 04-21-2006, 02:33 PM: Message edited by: likewhoa19 ]

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Heather
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It's entirely possible, though, that HE doesn't contextualize the word use that way. A lot of people don't, plenty of people don't (especially those of us who aren't hetero, or particularly heteronormative) differentiate in how they address male friends vs. female friends, or use those terms meaning anything by them.

So, the completely obvious answer in this case, should it occur again, really is:
a) to ask him if he meant anything by that or just usues it generally, and/or
b) just make clear you don't really like being called "love," if you just don't.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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feefiefofemme
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As a general rule, I'm not a huge fan of pet names. My mum calls me 'sweetie,' which is okay. And I'm fine with people calling my 'hon' or 'love,' as long as they're at least a couple years older than me and/or are very close to me. But when random strangers (generally older women) call me pet names, it kind of bothers me. I guess it makes me feel like they don't respect me and think I'm just a little kid.

In regards to PDAs, I think they're are okay in moderation. I think relatively chaste kisses, hand holding, etc. is cute, but much more than that and it's just uncomfortable. I wouldn't really want to do anything in public that would make the people around me feel terribly awkward, you know?

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Saint_Sithney
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One of my co-workers calls me 'love', 'dear', 'princess', etc. and sometimes kisses my hand or my cheek. He's Middle Eastern (not sure exactly where he's from) and the way he does it just makes it seem like it's part of his culture, not that he's trying to invade my personal space or be disrespectful.
It could very easily be that referring to people by pet names is just how his family is, and so he's used to it. You can always ask him about why he uses pet names, and say you're not big on being referred to anything other than your name or chosen nickname. he way it sounds is he's just used to calling people by pet names, and probably didn't mean anything strange by it.

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'Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
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-T.S. Eliot The Waste Land

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Jordan
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Personally I think you shouldn't be freaked out. You've nicknames you call friends and whatnot do you not?And a "Pet" name is just another way of showing ones affectiong for another.Personally I'd be more delighted than shocked in this situation.

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Life is only what you make it...nothing more, nothing less.

Posts: 15 | From: North Vancouver | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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