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Author Topic: mistakes.
-arsyn-
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so in my other posts i have talked about pregnancy and abortion, and i did it. everything went fine and it's over.. or it should be.

i wanted to talk to my dad about it. i wanted my parents' opinions, thought maybe i could trust them and that they would understand, maybe one of them had been there before, etc. well one night without thinking of the possible consequences, i did talk to him. and it was the wrong decision.

he has been nothing but horrible to me since i told him, talking about the law. and saying my boyfriend, or i, need to tell his mother by thursday, or my dad will do it himself.

i told him i had trusted him with this. (obviously i'll never make THAT mistake again.) i told him it's none of his business. i told him i had been through enough. i told him countless things, countless times, and he will not budge. who knows how long he and my stepmother will go on "considering"? who knows how long it will be before i can heal?

i've never been so upset in my life. i've never hated so much or felt so guilty. i just cried so hard and it's so emotionally intense i am actually getting hives from the stress. it's killing me inside.

he won't tell me what he is going to do and it's torture and he doesn't care. i'm faced with the fact that the one person i love and care about might be taken away from me, his life ruined. and it's all my fault. I'M the one who put everything in jeopardy.

i say it is my fault because by now, this could have been over. we made mistakes and handled them, and this is the time to heal and put it behind us, right? that has to be the most meaningful thing i have ever said. and my dad just won't let it happen. he doesn't realize we've been through more than enough...and he refuses to understand, because he thinks he is doing all this out of being virtuous. ("it's not right to keep secrets and our family doesn't do that, it's dishonest" et cetera.)

so he has to tell somebody outside our family something that he's lucky to even know? about his own daughter? his daughter who trusted him..i just don't understand... but i don't want her to know. i don't want him to talk with her at length about it for hours which i know he will. just to show he's in control. it's sick.

and she will never see me the same way again. my boyfriend's mom already has more than enough on her hands, she's a sweet woman but very pro-life and VERY emotional. it's just best that she doesn't know about this. but i don't know what i can do. it's like he is on an insane mission to run my life for the best, but by acting, all he is going to do is ruin everything i have gained on my own so far. everything i love.

i just need opinions. i just need thoughts, ideas on what i can do, third person perspectives on how to look at this. otherwise i don't know how to deal with it. it's really destroying me.

[ 03-28-2006, 06:58 AM: Message edited by: -arsyn- ]

Posts: 35 | From: Oregon | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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I'm so sorry to hear about this. You did what seemed like the right thing; it's not your fault that he is reacting so badly. Could you maybe show him this post? Have another, neutral family member whom you both respect meditate a discussion between the two of you?

This isn't a family secret; if only your dad could appreciate that you trust and care about him enough to share about this hard decision. It's not like you're trying to hide it, while having an abortion isn't something to be ashamed of, it's understandably not something one wants to share with the world.

And I agree about not telling your boyfriend's mother. She might actually be supportive, but I don't know her from Eve and a bad reaction would probably be more likely. This isn't about her at all: I could see your father going to her if your boyfriend hadn't been supporting you on this, but that isn't the case here. (I haven't read your posting history I'll say though, so please clue me in if I'm missing something big.)

This is about your body and your well-being, no one else's. So don't let anything your father, your boyfriend's mother, etc. change how you are feeling about this.

I wonder, does he maybe want to tell her because he is trying to end your relationship with your boyfriend, and pressure from his mother would help?

In any case, I think an open conversation with your dad on how much his behavior is really hurting you would be the first step.

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Ecofem
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I also want to ask who you're getting support from, because this is some really tough stuff to deal with alone.
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-arsyn-
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i really appreciate the feedback.
it's true, my boyfriend has been nothing but supportive and understanding through all of this. he does not deserve to be attacked by my dad in this way.

unfortunately, since i'm 16 and my boyfriend just turned 19, it doesn't look too good in my dad's eyes. he said something about his little daughter being knocked up and violated and hurt by some older guy. even though this is absolutely NOT the case. the only hurt i am going through, he is putting me through himself! and he keeps using what i told him about my emotions, through all this, against me--trying to tell me how much this has been a trauma for me, that the state believes i am not old enough to go through it. (so i guess i must not be..? ha. i mean, it IS the state, of course they must be right about every 16 year old and every situation.)

i'm not really getting support from anywhere else. i don't really want to show him this post--there are others here i don't want him to come back, snooping around, and find.

also i've tried again and again to have an open discussion with him, thinking my stepmom could be a "neutral family member" as she has been in the past. but that was a long time ago. nowadays, she is always backing whatever he has to say, seemingly without thought or question.. just the way he likes it. my family is really messed up and i've really gotten me and my boyfriend in deep here.

[ 03-28-2006, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: -arsyn- ]

Posts: 35 | From: Oregon | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
zeta
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What you said about this mess being your fault? No it's not. You were being honest and sharing with someone you thought you could trust, you did the right thing. You were let down in your trust but that doesn't make it "your fault" that you trusted; it only makes you a honest person.

There may be services around you where a reasonable mediator could be found (teen hotlines? School councelors? Volunteer organizations?). But while you might want to grab a phone book and come up with some help, this is *not* *your* *fault*. Trusting your loved ones is not a mistake, it's the most human thing in the world. I'd have done the same.

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I don't get even, I get odder

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Irm
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"i say it is my fault... this is the time to heal and put it behind us... my dad just won't let it happen"

In the same paragraph that you blame yourself, you also contradict yourself by illustrating your maturity in your desired approach to the situation, and by pointing out that the major roadblock to that approach is not you.

Just so that it's big and bold and beautiful...

NOT YOUR FAULT

You cannot control how your father feels, nor are you psychic and able to predict how he will react at every turn. Your intention was NOT to cause unrest--you sought out help from a loved one on a very sensitive issue, and that is commendable, even though things did not turn out as you had hoped.

That said, your father's issue here is CLEARLY not "virtue" alone. Virtue in general is a pretty intellectual thing: it is an abstract concept philosophized into existence by scholars and influential social figures. I severely doubt, unless your father is some sort of knight telephazed here from centuries past, that his extreme emotional reaction is due to "virtue" and only that. It seems more obvious to conclude that these concepts are shields and justifications for emotions of a greatly more personal nature that he is feeling. (Probably shock that this happened without his knowledge; hurt that you went through so much; etc.)

You describe your father as being a loved one, and love generally doesn't develop without being given both ways. Your father no doubt loves you, hence why he is having such an extreme reaction. Beneath all the brazen anger, I bet there is a lot of hurt. You had some time to sit down and go through the mental process and make the decision and start the process of healing afterwards. To him, it hit all at once, and he was and is and probably feels completely helpless.

As suggested, a mediator would be good, if you're feeling like sitting down and trying to go through this with him again is a desirable idea. Try to empathically bring up some of the REAL issues concerning this that might be bothering him--issues probably more profound than his pro-life sensibilities being offended, I'm sure. Cheesy as it sounds, encourage and have your mediator enforce the use of "I" statements. (IE the difference between "YOU shouldn't have gotten an abortion" versus "I feel hurt that you got an abortion".)

Sadly, there IS the possibility that he just won't budge on this, which is why it IS important that you have strong support elsewhere. It's wonderful that your boyfriend is sticking with you through this--and really, don't feel bad about that, because if the relationship lasts a significant amount of time, you'll find that in the future, when HE is down, YOU'LL be giving arm and leg. No relationship is ever fully 50/50 at all times. Some helpful suggestions of places to seek out have already been listed--and hey, it wouldn't be a bad idea to see if your DAD would be open to some help as well, as he's clearly in some distress. Maybe suggest, as an alternative to any immediate action on his part, some family therapy?

This is a really tough thing you're going through and I'm really sorry you're having to go through it at all, but you seem to have a great capacity for positive forward thinking (shown in terms of looking to the healing process after your abortion), and this is a place where it will serve you very well if you apply it. You are absolutely not alone in this--support is available where you reach for it: counseling, hotlines, volunteers, sites like this, et cetera. Here's to hoping this pulls through as smoothly as possible.

[ 03-29-2006, 06:10 AM: Message edited by: RedGoddess ]

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-arsyn-
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that was really helpful, thank you. it seems like things are going better--he said he was not going to press charges or pressure me to tell my boyfriend's mother anymore, but that he "won't keep it a secret from her if she brings it up".

"it" or anything relevent to it. personally i don't trust him to wait until she brings it up, why would she, when she has no idea it happened? on top of that he specificly wants her to know..

i still don't think it's fair at all. he's trying to manipulate me into telling her because he'll mention i've been trying to hide it and that will make it twice as bad when she finds out. (those are all his words.)

but i dunno if it's worth fighting about -.- i'm exhausted. but still don't feel like i can let this go yet and start moving on with no worries. i don't know what to do.

[ 03-29-2006, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: -arsyn- ]

Posts: 35 | From: Oregon | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
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You don't have it listed, but where are you from? Just a note, many states have an age-of-consent at 16, so really, if that's the case, your father couldn't press charges. No crime was committed. (more info here: www.ageofconsent.com)

Also, you've obviously got a lot going on, emotionally. Have you considered seeing a counselor? They can help you work through this, and they're unbiased third party observers. If you're tired, they can help you gain your emotional strength back.

Have you tried writing your thoughts down, and giving them to your father? Does he have any idea how badly this is hurting you?

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-arsyn-
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yep, i'm from oregon, lucky me--one of like four states with an age consent of 18? but i'm getting over it..if very very slowly. it's just that i can't decide what to do, tell his mom or sit around and hope it never comes up between her and my dad in any way ever?

i honestly don't think it makes any difference if this is hurting me _now_, he is doing what he thinks is right for himself, in the long term. he's firmly convinced that life cannot possibly go on for anyone if we "keep a secret" like this from tony's mother. i think that since this is my situation, not his, that i get to make that decision on what i think is right--not him.

but both he and my step mom disagree, they are so convinced they are doing what is right that they won't listen to a word i say.

i just wish i knew how to explain to them how wrong they are. but i don't know if it's really worth going to counselling over.

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Lindz
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I'm a big person on avoiding what ifs i nthe futur. I knw oyuo probably already see this, but I'l lsay it anyways just to get it out in words.

- If you tell your boyfriend's mother, you can find the best way possible to tell her and keep it light. It'll be YOU tell her, not your dad who doesn't seem to completly understnad your thoughts and views. By telling her yourself, you can insure that you will get your OWN views across to her and not your fathers. I know that you are probably scared to go for this option in fear of her getting really angry and/or upset. You are fragile right now and that's completly understandable. If you need more time to heal, maybe you can discuss with your dad that you want to tel her yourself but you need ____ time to prepare yourself to tell her. Obviously telling him you need 6 months to tell her, might not go so well with him, but maybe he'll be able to understand a month or two.

- Another option is to not tell her and try to kepp it a secret. First off, there are positives and negatives to this also. The positive is that you MIGHT be able to get throught life without her knowing, however there are negatives to go along with this. One coudl be that your dad tells her. This is most likely not what you want as you don't know what your dad wil lsay to her and how he'll tell her. Yo uwant your views said, not his. Also, if you choose not to tell her, yo uwill be living with alot of uncertainness of if she'll find out and what will happen if she does. You are still healing, and dealing with that sort of constant pressure might not be the best for you.

As much as I tried not to, my clear opinoin stands out that you might want to talk to your boyfriend's mother yourself. Your boyfriend seems extremely supportive and it seems that no matter what his mom's reaction is, he'll still stick by you and want to help you. You are very lucky to have him. Many girls go through these things without that kind of support.

I really hope this works out for the better. I wish you the best of luck

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-arsyn-
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thank you so much [Smile]
Posts: 35 | From: Oregon | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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