Is it possible that the person who is the first person someone is ever romantically involved with (first date, first kiss, etcetera) is the same person they will be with for the rest of their life?
I know that this may seem trivial to some people, but it's quite important to me. A lot of people, even friends of mine, seem to support the idea that dating around/sleeping around is something that everyone should go through in their teens and early twenties, for 'fun' or 'experience' or whatever, something which, in itself, I have no particular qualms with if it is a matter of personal choice, but which I would rather not go through.
But along with this, I get the impression that my planning to someday settle down with my boyfriend is somehow disapproved of, as if our breaking up is a matter of 'when' not 'if', which upsets me a little. I mean, yes, we might break up, but it's by no mean a given that we will.
Is this a common attitude? Are the people who remain with their first love such a tiny statistical minority as to validate their pessimism?
People's thoughts are much appreciated. Thank you for your time, and apologies for the length of this post. Posts: 10 | From: England | Registered: Mar 2006
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I think it's entirely possible, and not at all a bad thing, that one may end up with their first love in the future. However, I don't think it happens very often--a lot of people experience what they consider to be their "first love" fairly early and then go on to have other partners.
Don't let it bother you if you feel it's disapproved of just because you haven't been with anyone else. My friends who dated for 2 years broke up because their parents and everyone around them kept pressuring them to try "dating around" before they got into anything more serious. Neither of them really wanted to do that, even though they were each other's first partner. And it caused more problems than it "solved" (there was nothing wrong in the first place!). It's your relationship, don't let others' expectations get in the way of what you want.
-------------------- disconnect and let me drift/until my upside down is right side *in* Posts: 640 | From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA | Registered: May 2004
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It does happen. There are some people who do end up marrying their first love. Note, not everyone does.
Follow your guts. Don't let anyone else change your beliefs. If you want to get serious with your partner, so be it.
I personally dated a few guys before I settled down with Isaiah at 17. I had pressures from peresonally my mom that because I was going to university that I should keep my options open. I refused to. I knew deep down that Isaiah was the one, and I wanted us to stay together. We stayed together because we really loved each other and are in love with each other. Now we're about to marry in two months. My mom is really happy for us and really glad I went with my guts ,not what she thought I should do.
So do what you feel is right. Do not alert your beliefs from other people. If you do, you might regret it later on.
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I honestly know very few people who settled down with their first love/married them. That's not to say that it doesn't happen, but the fact of the matter is that most people have their 'first love' in their teen years and these relationships are just bound to end because that is a time in which we change a lot in a very short time. It is difficult to maintain a relationship in a period where you're developing so quickly and changing your mind about so many things. That doesn't make the emotions you have for your 'first love' any less valid, it just means that you're likely to grow and mature a whole lot more before you're in any way stable as far as your personality and character goes. And yeah - stable relationships are that much more likely when you're pretty stable yourself.
That said, I know a lot of people (myself included) who dated around a lot but never really felt they were in love until they found their current partner. Meaning that, while that partner isn't the first partner, they are still the first love. I think that scenario has much more potential for longevity.
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8422 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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I do agree with the posters above who say that MOST romantic relationships that develop in the teen years are unlikely to lead to a lifetime partnership. However, that certainly isn't every case. You also have to consider the mental age of the parties involved as well as the overall maturity of the relationship. For example, it seems to me many teen relationships start very quickly and passionately and die off just as fast. It's easy for them to get absorbed and ignore other areas of their life when experiencing love for the first time . And that can get boring (believe me, I know).
It may please you to know though that I'm actually making my first love work. We were both generally stable, happy people when we met, not really "looking" for love, just companionship. I was 16 and he was 18. Two years down the road, things are going good. While I'm not going to jump the gun and say marriage/life partnership is absolutely going to happen, I see some good years ahead.
If the people who tell you that you're going to break up don't give you constructive critism as to why they see your relationship as unhealthy, I say politely brush them off. Just tell them that you're quite happy with the way things are going, really aren't worried about "how long it will last", and don't foresee your relationship ending any time soon. Also explaining that you have a realistic expectation of relationships (aka lacking the getting-married-right-after-highschool mentality), it may reassure the parties concerned. That helps me shut 'em up .
Well, thanks for reading all this. I guess it's half advice, half-rant because I've been in the same spot ^^.
Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005
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(Know that the userbase you're asking about this really cannot even give all that much perspective IF they are still with their first partner, because very, very few of them -- if any -- will even have been with that partner for a time period as short as five years.
That's not to dismiss anyone's feelings or relationships here, rather, it's to say that one does have to take very young people talking about "staying together" and having it work long-term with a grain of salt, since absolutely NO user who posts here -- sparing the occasional older adults who pass through -- is going to have seen those relationships through for a couple decades.)
Statistically, very, very few people nowadays make life partnerships of their first partner. (And mostly, that likely has more to do with the level of our population and how many other things besides family/partnerships are in the average person's life more than anything else.) Those who do often are in rural areas where the dating pool is very small, and where settling down with one person -- big love or no -- is something that is highly encouraged by the community. Often too, those tend to be areas where divorces are seriously frowned upon, even in abusive relationships, etc.
However, what your friends want is just that. Doing what they do might work for them, but it isn't going to work for everyone, and suggesting any one thing in this regard IS best for everyone, or is essential for everyone, is foolish.
I think it's also really important to realize that no matter WHAT happens doesn't say anything about the value of your first love. Whether the relationship -- either the romantic one, or any relationship, entire, for instance, should it change into a platonic friendship -- lasts six months, two years or twenty doesn't make what you feel any more or less real. The length of time a relationship lasts often doesn't say squat about the quality of that relationship. So, if you aim for a long-term relationship, as that's what you want, even if it doesn't go as far as you'd like per how long it lasts? Know that doesn't mean your love wasn't of value or was unimportant.
[ 03-26-2006, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I find this very interesting, yet somewhat scary.
Just reading this brings up a personal issue of my own, so I would like to rant a little.
I have been with my boyfriend for the better part of 2 years now. I am his first love, first kiss, first anything that follows. (For goodness sake, I am the first girl he ever "held-hands" with - he's very very shy) However, I have had several partners before him. (Hm. I guess maybe I am his 2nd love? because he did have a girlfriend off and on for 3 years before me but they had no contact at all, barely a hug? So I don't really count that)
I sometimes wonder if this "first time love" feeling will wear off, and we will part.
I love him with all of my heart, and sometimes, when I am in one of those "thinking phases" I look at him and I am saddened. I think of all the points made above about how "first-love" relationships generally don't last life-long, and I know that I am not with my "first-love" so I guess it scares me a little.
He is three years younger than me, which turns most heads because they see our relationsihp as "doomed to failure" anyway.
When my mind goes on "overtime" and thinks these thoughts I just kind of turn it down and shake it off. I try not to think about it much because I know I love him more than anything in the world, and although I don't want anything to happen to us at all (breaking up), I certainly wouldn't want to spend my time worrying and being upset incase something does.
So I just try to forget all about it, and know that I love him now. What comes along in the future, comes along, But i'd rather not deal with it until then.
anyway thats my little related bit.
-------------------- And I say thank you for the scars And the guilt and the pain Every tear I've never cried Has sealed your fate. Did you take me for a fool or were you just too blind to see that every effort made has failed and there is no destroying me? Atreyu Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005
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Thank you all. Great response. ^_^ And thank you for sharing your stories, those of you that have.
Just to elaborate on my own situation. This is my first relationship, not his. And it's still got kind of a glowy shiny thing to it, so I guess the relationship is still pretty new, since we've been going out (officially) since Christmas, though we were close friends for a while before that, and kind of 'evolved' as it were, rather than one of us asking the other out...
I'm seventeen, and he's a little over a year older than me, so I guess we may both change a lot over the next few years, but our interests (namely comics, videogames, Lovecraftian horror, and a fading youthful japanophilia) are the same/ have very large overlapping areas, and we get along very well indeed. Carrying on through university will be a challenge, I suppose. But I want our relationship to last the long haul and so does he, and it gets me down when friends just assume that we just won't last. Because I'd rather be with him than anyone else. Guess only time will tell what becomes of us, though. Thanks for listening. And love and good fortune to all of you.
Posts: 10 | From: England | Registered: Mar 2006
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Miss Scarlet has a good point above. I really don't know squat about relationships compared to her or other adults, so take whatever I have to say at face value
But, I have a feeling you'd enjoy hearing from other people in your same spot. You two sound like a lovely pair, and I personally think the way you're looking at it is very mature. Keeping any relationship going for the long-haul is tough and uncertain, but worrying about it, in my experience, seems to make it much worse. The best advice I can give is cross bridges when you come to them, enjoy each other's company without worrying about how long you'll be able to, and listen to what your friends and families say about your relationship (to an extent). Like I said above, if they have valid reasons why they think your relationship needs help, lend them an ear. If they are simply banking on the young love sterotype, try to be understanding, but make your views known. And lastly, and most importantly, don't suppress change, whether in yourself or your relationship. It's very likely to happen in young relationships, and addressing them now is better than doing so later down the line. Hope I've helped some Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005
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