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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Hm.. What am I doing to myself? *sigh* (quite lengthy)

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Author Topic: Hm.. What am I doing to myself? *sigh* (quite lengthy)
oOo Lea oOo
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Member # 26647

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I guess I am just a little insecure, Right?

For some reason, I let myself persuade myself to think a situation is worse than it really is, and I let myself (actually make myself) feel saddened and worried about the situation.

Just to make a small introduction point - my boyfriend and I always (perfectly) get along. We never argue, and if we do (disagree) it is over something so elementary and immature that we end up laughing at ourselves afterward. (I am ashamed to say) Yet, I always find myself being untrusting, a bit jealous, and assuming that my relationship is on a road of destruction. (not quite that bad, but similar)

Example? This weekend . . .

Friday: I got home from work, went straight to my boyfriends, we got along great, as always.

Saturday: We got along great all day until we got on the computer . . he read his horoscope (saying that an ex relationship will resurface and he will find himself having to choose.) His reaction was looking at the floor saying Oh God! A bit superstitious? I am concerned. Is this silly of me? Probably, but after that he wanted to lay down and watch a movie. He said close to 5 words to me from 6 that evening until the time he fell asleep, at 8:30 (which is unusual considering the fact that we stay up talking usually until 1am or so).

I could tell he was upset, but he wouldnt tell me why. I stay with him on weekends, and usually he sleeps holding his arms around me ( he says he feels more secure) well he wouldnt even kiss me goodnight.

We woke up sunday . . He crawled out of bed, waking me up, didn't even look at me, stayed out in the family room for an hour and 1/2, came back in the bedroom (where I was still laying, thinking about what could be bothering him, and of course worrying if I did something)grabbed clothes, walked out the door, and came back in just to say, "I'm gettin a shower" So i said, " Yea I guess I'll go home and do the same." He got a shower and I left. No "okay, love ya, bye!" no "cya when you get back", nothing. I went home, took a shower, and went back to his house hoping to get something out of him. Nothing. I kept trying, but he wouldnt respond with anything I did.

We have talked about this before. I know he has a hard time talking about his problems, feelings, etc. Especially with me, because he thinks I will be burdened by his problems and "I have enough of my own". I can't get through to him.

Anyway, I left again and got something to eat. I walked bck down. I told him I was going to see my grand dad since it was his birthday a few days before, and I wanted him (my bf) to spend a few hours away from me. I needed to think and I wanted him to enjoy a few hours with just him and the guys (they skateboard). I left, and when I came back, we skated a while, he was still distant but not quite as much as before. We went to my garage to hang out with some of my bro's friends, then came inside to watch them have a Halo (xbox) tournament. At about 5:30 he said he had to go home. He looked at me and asked if I was coming. So i said of course, we got in my car and drove to his house. It was perfect. Everything was normal. It was like nothing was wrong at all. We goofed off, wrestled around, cuddled, laughed, watched "Napolean Dynamite" which is a dumb movie but it is so stupid that we find it hilarious. Then, he wanted to relax and watch a movie to fall asleep to. I don't stay on work nights, and he has classes, so I said "okay but at 8:30 I am going home". He agreed. We popped "Hitch" in, and all of a sudden it got weird again. I have an issue with someone turning their back on me. I don't know why, but he layed facing the opposite direction. i wrapped my arms around him, and he shook me off. I sat startled for a moment and then asked what was wrong. Without looking my way he said, "Nothing."

So I layed back down, I couldn't concentrate on the movie, I had this sick, twisted feeling in my stomach - AGAIN! the same feeling i had all weekend. About 5-10 minutes passed, I looked over him resting my chin on his shoulder and said, "Babe what is wrong with you?" I could tell he wasn't watching hte movie. His eyes were some where in space. He focused his eyes on the tv and said, "nothing" I said do you promise? he said, "yea". So, frustrated, and in an aggrevated tone i said, "okay" and continued to rest my head on his shoulder. He said, "whats wrong" so i siad, "nothing" then he said,"Yea something", so I said ,"well fine what is wrong with you?" and I told him that I didn't like the fact that he wouldn't tell me what was bothering him, and that I could tell he wasnt at all interested in the movie, and he knows I hate him turning his back on me, so I would like it if he turned around so I could talk to him. He got pissed and said,"NOTHING IS WRONG!" I said well you never turn your back on me and you have your back turned. so he came back with "I am watching the DAMN movie!" He finally turned around and looked at me. I told him not to get smart with me and he said, "well I told you I was watching the *&% damn movie!" So obviously I got upset and rolled over myself. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry for being a smart ***. Of course, I appologized for being bitchy. I got up, kissed him goodbye, and left.

This morning when I went to pick him up for class he said he wasnt going. He was sick. When I called him 20 minutes ago he told me I couldn't come down today because he was sick and no one was aloud to come down (he lives with his mom) because they didn't want anyone to catch the virus that him and his little brother had.

Totally rational story, but me? I took it all differently. For some reason I got angry. I thought up a reason to see if he was lying to me or if he was really honest. I thought about calling his mom to ask if it were true, I also thought about calling my cousin to ask if he could go down, seeing if he just was trying to aviod me.

This is silly, immature, and childish of me to act this way, but I can't seem to not worry, and be hurt. I am causing this pain myself. I jump to conclusions, and In the end I know I should trust him because he has never given me a reason not to, but even though I know he is honest, I still make these crazy accusations.

I know he would never hurt me. He is constantly telling me how lucky he is to have me, and all sorts of stuff telling me how he loves me more than anything in the world and I know it is true because I can tell by the way he looks at me. But, I still get hurt. And at the moment I think it is him hurting me, but then I realise that I bring most of this on myself by being irrational. I know I am just overreacting, but how do I get myself to stop thinking such innappropriate thoughts, and how do I stop myself from worrying about things I know are not true.

Its a perfect relationhsip, and I know no relationsihp is perfect, but to me this is the closest thing to perfect it could ever be. I am so lucky to have someone like him, but I feel like if I keep acting this way I will ruin things with him.

I constantly appologize. I know i didnt do anything wrong but if I don't appologize I beat myself up about it. He tells me I have no reason to do so, but I do.

Any thoughts? Why am I acting this way? I know none of you can TELL me WHY, but do any of you have any advice? Any comments? Sometimes all it takes is a kiss to reassure me, but why do I always feel I need to be reassured. I dont want to loose my boyfriend. I have no idea. Am I simply insecure. I have never acted this way before.

Thanks in advance, guys! I'd really appreciate any and all replys!

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
happy*little*me
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Member # 26329

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Obviously, like you said yourself, it is impossible for anyone to tell you exactly why you are doing what you are doing. But some of what you said really reminded me of what I'm going through with my boyfriend now, so maybe that will help you.

My boyfriend and I recently decided that we will not pursue a long distance relationship when we graduate this spring and move really far away from each other for college. After this, things got a little weird, because we felt like our whole relationship had changed. Anyway, what I was reminded of in your posting was how you were both starting to weird each other out, because you were thinking of the situation as weird. Does that make any sense? Anyway, I think that what helped me and my boyfriend get over this difficult time (we're still working through it by the way) is that we talked about what was going on, a lot, and talk to each other still whenever things start getting weird again.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you sometimes feel? about your insecurities? Maybe if you tell him about that stuff then he would be able to see it when its happening and you guys would be able to stop and look at what is happening, and be like "Wait, I'm feeling weird, this is what we were talking about before" instead of attributing the insecure feelings to his behaviour. This way, you talk about how YOU are feeling instead of how HE is making You feel, and starting arguments.

Good luck with everything... I have a lot of trouble with insecurity...so I really identified with your posting.. I hope everything goes well for you

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oOo Lea oOo
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Member # 26647

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Thanks, a lot, really.

Yea, I talk openly about how I feel with him. I can tell him everything, I know this because I HAVE told him everything.

I am comfortable in telling him anything that is bothering me. I know he will understand. I haven't always felt this "weird" about our relationship. It's a kind of "come and go" situtation. I know that we have a strong love for each other. I know that we are crazy about each other, we often talk about the future and where we want our lives to be, and we are happy.

Its just that some things he does, and this isnt always, bother me. And I know it isn't him doing things on purpose to bother me, and that he has no intention to hurt me. He doesn't even know I feel the way I feel when he does these things, not because I dont communicate, just simply because sometimes these things don't bother me at all.

I guess my real questions is, well not really a question, but even though I know what I am thinking is completely "way off base" how do I continously keep getting myself down about it.

For another example, and I am sorry for babbling and going on and on about it but I just dont understand, This morning when I picked him up for class, he got out of bed at 6:25. When usually he gets up 5 minutes before we leave just so he can cuddle in bed with me for a while. I immediately thought I did something wrong and I got that sick, twisted feeling in my stomach. We sat and watched the news, we sat close to each other, i wrapped my arm around his, all normal, and when we left and I dropped him off at class, he said he loved me and kissed me goodbye. But it felt weird to me.

Now I know I couldn't have possibly done something wrong, but even though I KNOW that I still try to persuade myself and I get upset. It;s like the conflict here is within myself. I really don't know, sorry if I confuse any of you, but do you understand?

What I guess I am asking is . .
Are the feelings I am experiencing something I should be worried about, or does it seem like I am just over reacting? When I talk to him about it, he has no Idea at all why I am so upset. Hmm...
I just dont know. . .
THanks again for the reply, btw.

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
Activist
Member # 26647

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Hmm. You know what? It's amazing how I can talk about how I feel with so much certainty, but a few hours later when I look back upon it, I wonder "What the heck am I thinking!"

I was just reading through all posts and replies and I came across my thread for "Childhood Fantasies".

With everything we have been through (my boyfriend and I), I know I can overcome this minor problem.

I don't know how or why I do this to myself. . but I do.

I think that sometimes I just can't believe that someone as amazing and wonderful as he is can actually be for me. I never thought after my incident with rape that I would ever find anyone who would love me as much as I wanted to be loved. I guess I got lucky. Very lucky!

I love my boyfriend, and I know I have to learn to put these silly thoughts aside.

He has never given me a reason to be suspicious or untrusting and I doubt very much that this is a great opportunity to start.

Any-who. . No need to reply, unless you would like to comment or share a similar story of your own. If so thank you for taking the time.

And if you are reading this post at the moment, that means you took the time to read the entire thread. . Which happens to be rather lenghty and is mainly me babbling about things I, myself, do not understand. So for that.. Thank you!

[Wink]

[ 03-21-2006, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: oOo Lea oOo ]

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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