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Author Topic: sex and long-term relationships
charbie
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Member # 27496

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I am wondering what frequency of sex I ought to be expecting after being married for four years.

(I'm hoping this is an OK place for this question. I'm not a "teen" anymore, but I like Scarleteen too much to leave!)

My partner and I are both 23, and we've been together for about six years. For the last year or so, sex has slowed down to a snail's pace. I'm talking once or twice a month, if I'm lucky. I've talked to him about it many times, and he agrees with me that it's not frequent enough. BUT I am still the only one to take any initiative.

Over the weekend I found a porn dvd stashed in the house, and normally I don't care much about his porn habits, but that combined with our sex situation made me have a total breakdown. I've been crying constantly for the last 24 hours and feeling ugly, lumpy, and asexual. I had a child three years ago, and I'm starting to feel like there is no sexuality after motherhood.

so . . . any advice would be welcome. I'm just wondering if this sort of thing is normal and what I can do to not feel so crappy.


Posts: 3 | From: Traverse City, Michigan | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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well, your poor self esteem isn't going to help you much. what was the last thing you ever did to improve yourself? not just to feel sexy, but to feel better about yourself overall?

also, i take it you're not ok with porn? it's pretty common for men and women to look at porn. porn is just a fantasy and isn't about reality at all. but if it makes you uncomfortable, let your partner know that the porn hurts your feelings. then talk about why he likes to look at porn. what is it about the fantasy that can't be had or matched in real life?

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
charbie
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quote:
what was the last thing you ever did to improve yourself? not just to feel sexy, but to feel better about yourself overall?


Well, I just got a new haircut (a way-too-expensive-but-awesome haircut) last week, also I started college last year. I guess you may disagree, but my self-esteem usually is not low. I've just been feeling pretty bad for the last few weeks, and REALLY BAD for the last few days.
quote:

also, i take it you're not ok with porn?


Like I said, I normally don't care about porn. (I look at it too, on occasion.)
It was more like a trigger, or whatever you'd call it, that sent me into a downward spiral of despair.

[This message has been edited by charbie (edited 02-13-2006).]


Posts: 3 | From: Traverse City, Michigan | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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well, i gotta agree, a good haircut is a good mood lifter. but it sounds like you need something right now to make you feel good? are you a creative type? maybe you could write something intersting, draw a picture, or write a song. if you're an athlete, go for a timed run, power lift, punch a bag or something.

is there something in particular about parenting that drains your libido? yes, pretty much everyody reports some kind of sex strief that comes with having a kid -- whether it's making the time to do it, or the changes it makes to your body. but if you can isolate the problem, you stand a better chance of fixing it.

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LA County STD Hotline 1.800.758.0880
Toll free STD and clinic information, and condoms sent to your door for Los Angeles County residents.
1 in 3 sexually active people will be exposed to a STD by the time they turn 24.


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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You know, it's really,m really typical for couples to have sexual issues after childbirth/parenting. And sometimes, they are pretty long-term, lasting years.

There are a lot of reasons for why that is, and they vary a lot from couple to couple, but one can generalize soundly a bit and say that all in all, for MOST couples, pregnancy, childbirth and parenting throws a big monkey wrench into the whole works. People often don't realize this or give it the attention it warrants.

Have you and your partner dialogued about this at all, intensively? Not about the fact that neither of you is having sex as often as you'd like, but really talking and working to try and seek out the causes of the issue. Do you have the time and the freedom to do this, maybe even get a sitter so the two of you can go away alone for a weekend and put all your energy into this?

Also, do you have in-person support with other mothers your age?


Posts: 68128 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
charbie
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quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
Have you and your partner dialogued about this at all, intensively?

Thanks for the reply, because you know, it's so obvious that we just need to sit down and really hammer all this stuff out, but we just haven't done it. We talked about it some this morning and I think we both realized we'd been on auto-pilot just navigating our heinously busy schedules and completely neglecting most aspects of out relationship.
quote:
Also, do you have in-person support with other mothers your age?

Hmm, well this is a bad spot for me. We just moved completely across the country to a fairly small town, and I'm not having luck finding a good support system of other young moms. So yeah, that is something I am definitely missing. Sometimes I wish I could just pin a note to my shirt that says, "Be my friend! Please!"

Posts: 3 | From: Traverse City, Michigan | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Have you tried using a good, widely-used personals service to place an ad for friends? believe it or not, it can be a really good way to meet new people, even platonically. And with smaller towns, you're likely not alone in needing some help seeking that out.

Might be worth a shot. Too, do you have a fam ily doctor yet, or a pediatrician? In smaller towns, people are pretty close-knit, so even saying, "Hey, I'm new here and I really could use some help striking up a couple friendships. Are there any other new Moms you think I might get on well with you could introduce me to sometimes?" Just a thought.

One last one: how's your sex life BY yourself? Do you even have time for masturbation? I recognize that sounds like kind of a creepy question somehow, but sometimes the extra pressure of general sexual frustration can make dealing with sexual issues as a couple even trickier.


Posts: 68128 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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