Hi everyone. Im not sure whether or not this post is in the right area but if its not be my guest and move it to the right place.
Well um a few days ago...i got really upset at myself i was mad at myself for havin feelings of jealousy that i thought were gone.
My boyfriend and i have always kinda had an up and down relationship but we prevail the bad in the end. Our last ''down'' was because of jealousy in our relationship and lack of trust. We both always talk about our problems and have found that we both want to change those factors in the relationship that prevent us from bein happy.
Now u can pretty much say we both have had our versions of bad past experiences. I was molested as a child and he was physically and verbally abused as child (and sometimes it still happens) were both pretty messed up. And i noe that sometimes the way we act now has to do with our pasts.
Me and my dad have never had a good trusting relationship because he left when i was 1yr old. All i really heard from my mom was how much he broke her heart and all i can remember are the times he's broken mine. It always makes me cry when i talk about it and i don't noe why.
Now for my bf and his parents they are still together but they don't speak to him they don't hug him or tell him they love him, they pretty much ignore him and buy him watever he wants to make up for not being there.
Well my problem is that my bf told me he was goin over to his friends house to see her baby after school and he asked me if i would mind. I appreciated that he considered my thoughts. But i never met this friend of his before and they only started speaking while me and him were broken up. I told him to go dispite my doubts because i felt extremely guilty for havin doubts. I felt soo horrible that all these feelings of self hatred just built inside and i started cutting myself and punching myself and pullin my hair out. I felt i deserved it for bein weak and not bein able to control my jealousy.
I told him wat i had done and he had gotten really mad at me and told me if i ever did something to hurt myself again he'd never talk to me. That really hurt me cuz i felt guilty enough on my own for doin it. And that night he came over and he apologized for his temper and sed he just didnt want me to do that anymore cuz its unhealthy and he cares for me. He also sed whenever i get the urge to cut that i should call him and talk about wats bothering me instead and he'd always listen.
I just don't know what to do with these trust issues and jealousy. And i especially don't know how to control the feelings of self hatred everytime im presented with the jealousy.
Any thoughts or comments would surely help. Im sorry this is so long.