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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Totally confused, please help!!!

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Author Topic: Totally confused, please help!!!
Member # 23127

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Okay here goes...
I had been with my boyfriend for almost 7 months and things were fine. On the last couple of weeks I started to feel differently, there were many things going on, but to cut a long story short I felt pressured, as though I had to be with him all the time, which wasnt his fault, it was things that other people were saying...and because of all this I didnt feel like I loved him anymore, so I ended it.
Its been a couple of weeks since then and I started to become close to this other guy, we are friends but he really really likes me, and we have kissed a few times, now the thing is, when I kissed him for the first time I thought maybe something was going on between us, but now I feel as though I only like him as my friend...
And also, these past couple of days my ex has been coming over, like friends, and we watched a couple of film together, but last night we ended up kissing a lot.
I feel that when we are just me and him together, its comfortable and we have a good time like we used to..and it doesnt feel like we had broken up at all.

I'm really confused as to what I want, my ex told me last night that if I wanted we could be together again, but tone it down and act more like friends when we are with a group of people like in college.
I dont know if it will work out or not...
And I dont know what to do about the other guy, I dont want to hurt his felings.

I hope this has made sense!
Please tell me what you think on the matter, it would be a great help! Thanks x

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Well, first of all, you might find it helpful to distinguish between dating and being in a comitted relationship. To be clear...

Dating is the process of seeing someone a few times, hanging out, sussing out what your feelings are for them, their for you, what it feels like is a "right-feeling" relationship between you, and what both of your needs and wants are should you chose to pursue a more committed, romantic relationship. Seeing someone once or twice doesn't automatically commit you to anything, and anyone with the idea it does needs to come to terms with that. Dating is a trial period of sorts. Only your words and the actual agreements you make do, as in, "So, I really like you, and I feel romantically about you: do you want to pursue something more exclusive/committed/keep dating? Because X (whichever it is) appeals to me."

A committed or exclusive romantic relationship can be anything from agreeing to casually date for a while, to having someone as a boyfriend/girlfriend exclusively or not to marriage, what have you. We decide on these things, hopefully after dating, not on the first date or right when we meet some one, and we may or may not alter or renegotiate those decisions as we, our feelings (or our partners) or the relationship changes.

It sounds like you may want ONE exclusive romantic relationship. Okay. That means you need to make a choice here.

Or maybe you want some more time to date BOTH of these guys and suss out either what you want and/or who you want it with: that's also okay, though it's generally considerate to let people you are dating know that a) youa are just dating and b) they are not the only person you are dating.

Just a extra note? A partner telling you that want to be with you but 'act like friends" in front of others is generally trying to tell you -- albiet indirectly, rather than forthrightly -- that they do not want something exclusive: that they want to appear single to others so that should they want to date others, or should an appealing other date or partner come along, they can be available for that. I'd ask your ex(?) to be more specific about what he wants in that regard, and for you to be more specific yourself with him, too.

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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