Soon after I got to college, I hit it off well with a girl--it was obvious to everyone. She's sweet, attractive, and just a nice person in general. A bit over a month ago, we decided to make it an official relationship.
Now, I've been thinking about the relationship more and more, and where it's heading. I know it's soon into a relationship, but it's already occurred to me that we're different enough people that marriage is highly, highly unlikely. Yes, that's looking way to the future, but I've always been more interested in finding the real "right" person, as opposed to trying to have flings and see where they go. My gut just tells me that, in time, she's probably not the one.
Another issue is simply doing work--we're in many of the same classes now, and will be in the same situation next semester. A lot of work is done in groups, but oftentimes I feel somewhat obligated to work alone with her. That, however, leads to distractions, and I don't want my work to suffer--or, sometimes, even take more time than needed, as I'm often staying up too late working, and really value getting to sleep as early as I can.
Finally, we have many mutual friends. We live on different floors, but I do almost all of my work on her floor, and our work group involves a lot of mutual friends. To complicate things more, my brother, who lives right down the hall from her, is a good friend of hers.
So, what are my options? Should I say something right now, right before exams? Wait until after the holidays? Try to give it a few more months and see if something inside me changes? It seems that she's more into the relationship than me--she wants more alone time, and while I don't mind being alone, I also enjoy doing things with many friends, as well.
What I fear is how people will perceive me. It's human nature for our friends to want to know what's going on, and I don't want anyone to think I'm a jerk for just ending the relationship without making any grievances public--or even perceivable to anyone on the outside. I also don't want to lose her as a friend--I think she's a great person, I'm just not sure if she's THE one. Finally, I don't want to do anything physical that she will value at a certain level (hooking up or beyond), and then really decided it should be over, making her feel used.
Thanks for your help--there aren't many people here I can ask. If you need any more information, I'd be glad to provide it.
First of all, I really doubt there is "Mr Right or Ms Right" Simply because people change, while growing up and forming their identity. What you feel today might change within 2-3 years.
I would rather suggest that you listen to your feelings right now, or you try to find what you re looking for.
Something that I've found in many people is, they really really know what they don't want, but when I ask them, "What is it that you want ?" They reply with a big "Don't know" So if you do know she isn't the person you re looking for, and you feel that you know what you re trying to find, your decision should be fairly easy to make.
when it comes down to school, you really have no obligation doing everything with her, honestly why not do the stuff with friends ? If you feel that it's distraction. I bet she would understand if you told her in a nice way. So that is something you can solve. Here is a hint "I like you so much that I can't concentrate on schoolwork while I'm with you"
Why is it complicated that your brother lives in the same hallway as she does ? And that he is a good friend. That should be a good thing for you and her! Not a complicating thing.
You enjoy doing thins with your friends, aswell as her, so why don't you spend time with your friends and her aswell ?
I'm sure you know how much time you want to spend with your friends and how much time you want to put into your relationship. It is you who decide what to do with your time, not your friends and not your girlfriend.
"What I fear is how people will perceive me" That fear is something you really need to get rid of. Honestly you can't please everyone and everything, never the less there will always be people who think diffrent than you and think that what you re doing is wrong stupid or whatever. This also goes in this situation, allthough I really doubt that anyone will think less good about you.
Really you shouldn't care about what other people think about this, because it is not their buissnes, also you really don't need to explain to everyone why you break up with someone. What good does that make?
You have all the options in the world, to do what you feel, really there is no right or wrong here. You really need to sit down and ask yourself if you re happy with the current relationship, and if you want to continue with it. When it comes to the physical part, answer that question after you know what you feel for sure.
Should you wait telling her ? Well, that's also entirely up to you. You should think more about how to do it in a good and respecting way, rather than when.
But my final opinion is. If you like things way they are, and your needs and what you are looking for is settled, then why go looking for "Ms Right", perhaps she is already under your nose. If you feel that this is not what you want, then talk to her and tell her. When it comes to school, friends etc, frankly you can't blaim her for any of it, simply because it's something that is under your responsibility to solve. You can't change feelings, nor how you feel. But you can change what you do, and how to react on the things that affect you, making them less complicated and more "solvable"
Honestly I wouldn't give up a girl (that you described) because "It is a complicated situation with many friends and people"
But it's up to you Good Luck, and remember to have fun along the way!
Thanks for the reply, Ghosty! Sorry for the late reply from me--I just had a really busy week, and now I can clear my mind again...
Regarding your point about knowing what I want, I'll admit that I don't know exactly what I want--it's something where I think I'll know when it comes. That said, I do have a general idea of what I want--at least at is pertains to values, religion, etc.
The comment regarding my brother being good friends was brought up because I don't want him to get stuck in the middle of anything (granted, over new years, when we're both home, I'll probably talk to him about this). Obviously, I've made it clear that I do not want to end up enemies--I want to be friends, and I don't want there to be problems when we see each other. As much as I hope my views are reciprocated, that can't be guaranteed. But I don't want there to be problems if I go visit my brother.
Regarding the opinions of others... I went through high school not caring about the opinions of others--if they had a problem with me, I was more than happy to leave them alone. In school, though, I rely on the help of too many people to potentially burn bridges. While I don't plan on burning bridges, I'd rather not have the possibility arise.
"When it comes to school, friends etc, frankly you can't blaim her for any of it, simply because it's something that is under your responsibility to solve." I agree completely--they simply have come up since they get in the way... it's not a situation where we see each other just to have fun--sometimes it's for work, or seeing other people, etc.
Thanks again for the advice. I think I'll give this some more thought over my winter break--no classes or exams to worry about, so I'll have more time to figure it out. I'll probably also try talking to a few people I can trust who know me well... perhaps they'll have insights, as well.
If anyone else would like to comment, I'm glad to read any advice you can offer.
I think there are many different relationship possibilities on the continuum between "one night fling" and "together forever." Would it be okay with you if you just had a casual relationship for a while, or do you feel like you have to find someone for "together forever" right now?
It seems to me like if you enjoy each other's company, you like dating, and you have a lot of mutual friends, there's nothing wrong with just having that and not taking it any further if you're both okay with it. There's also nothing wrong with spending time with other friends and branching out socially even when you are part of a couple, no matter how serious of a couple you are.
My advice? Talk to her about it before you talk to anyone else. If you care about her feelings and her as a person (and it sure sounds like you do), find out what she wants, thinks, and feels about it before talking to other people. Then if you do decide to cool it on the romantic front, you can both decide what will be public and what will be private about that.
When you're a month into a relationship, can you be absolutely certain that the girl you're dating isn't the one for you?
I'm on the same page (I think) that you are: no flings, no dating guys (or girls in your case) I couldn't see myself at least possibly marrying.
At the same time, when I started dating my boyfriend, I wan't sure he was the one. I just had the idea that maybe he might be. We had very different religious views at the time, and visually different values...but we really clicked. And, over time, we've both changed (a possibility in every relationship). Those changes have seen more and more of those things that made us seem incompatible become either non-issues or some of the most binding aspects of our personalities.
I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe a little more time testing the waters with this girl wouldn't be a bad idea. Just be upfront with her about where you are in the relationship (even though such conversations can be awkward). Good luck.
Posts: 6 | From: Fulton, MO, USA | Registered: Jan 2006
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