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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Dead end relationship?

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Author Topic: Dead end relationship?
sekatsim
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I've been in this relationship for just over a year now, and every day I feel more and more like its doomed. But I hate that thought. I'd just like to get an idea if maybe anyone else has been through anything similar.. and what did they do?

This girl and I have been going out for a year (quite a long time, I feel rather happy about that). For the first 8 months or so.. it was great. We had problems, sure, but we'd always spend a few hours and talk about it and sort it out, and after a day or two, things would go back to being great again.
Starting this school year, she's had a lot of stress from home, and from school (11th grade isnt easy), and it makes her very moody (she's actually on medication for it, but it doesnt work well). I can say goodnight to her and have her smiling and happy, but the next morning I'll smile at her in the hall and she wont look at me, or talk to me all day.

So we ended up.. "breaking up" you could say, about 2 months ago. It just wasnt working. But I missed her terribly, and she missed me, and since she lives near me, we ended up hanging out just as much as before. Nothing really changed.

After 2 months of this, I want to get back together. I still love her, I'm happy when I'm with her. Why not?. But whenever I try to bring up She And I as a subject, things turn for the worse. She blames me for hurting her when she was weak.. and a lot of other things. I know I make mistakes.. but I certaintly dont intend to. and I've told her this. But she still has no faith. She'll hang out with me, but she no longer has that belief she used to have that we had something special.. or that I was capable of being good for her.

I just dont know what to do. 3 days a week, she wont talk to me. then theres a one day transition, and then for the next 3 days I'm the happiest person alive. When it works.. its amazing, but as soon as she has something going wrong in her life, she shuts me out completely. I really do love her, how could I possibly convince her to give me a chance?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.


Posts: 10 | From: Ontario | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Beppie
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It sounds like she doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. Often when people are in a relationship for a substantial period of time, they will still have feelings for that person when the relationship breaks up-- it's only natural if you've spent a lot of time coming to appreciate a person after all.

I can't say for sure what is going on with your ex, since I can't see into her head, but my guess is that she still appreciates and feels for you as a person, but for certain reasons known either to her or to both of you, she feels that she shouldn't be in a relationship with you right now. She is possibly having trouble with these conflicting feelings, which would explain the changes in her attitude towards you that you have noticed.

The best way to find out about all of this is to ask her about it, but if she needs her space, then you need to respect that. Perhaps you need to try not seeing her at all (or as little as possible) for a bit, to give her time to work out where she's at as far as you're concerned.

It's okay for you to let her know that you still care about her, but it's not okay to pressure her to be in a particular relationship with her because of your feelings-- her feelings come into play here too, and they may simply not be the same as yours.

One last note: even though she may not ever wish to be in a romantic relationship with you again, that doesn't mean that your entire relationship with her is at a "dead end"-- once she has had some time to process everything, there is always the chance that the two of you could direct your mutual appreciation for each other into a loving, platonic, friendship.


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sekatsim
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I've asked her about it, but the answer I get varies daily. Some days she asks me to leave her alone.. which hurts, but ok, understand the need for space. Other days, if I'm not around her as much as normal, she gets depressed because she thinks I dont care about her like I used to. Its hard to balance it.. because, yes, I'm prepared to back off for a while (and I have), but it only seems to upset her. It seems like I'm supposed to be there when she needs me and disappear otherwise. not an easy position to be in
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Beppie
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Have you explained to her about the position you've found yourself in? It could be that she doesn't realise what a difficult spot you're in.

Since you say it's hard for you to guage what her reaction will be, why not carefully draft it out into a letter, taking care not to sound angry or defensive (while it's perfectly valid to have these feelings, its best not to let them get in the way of explaining your situation). This has the advantage that even if she takes it badly when she first gets it, she can always come back to it when she is feeling calmer. Try telling her exactly what you just told us in that last post.

Also, perhaps the two of you need to mutually agree on a period of time in which you give each other space, while knowing that this doesn't necessarily mean a lack of caring on either side.


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sekatsim
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I've written a lot of letters. And had a lot of talks. I dont know what goes wrong. Maybe I'm too defensive or something, tho I cant see it from my perspective. Either way, she feels guilty and hurt, and thinks that she's the worst thing for me and I dont like her and she wants to disappear. I dont like it when that happens. I will keep trying tho. We talk about this a lot. At least 3 good long talks a week, often more. I alwas figured if we just communicated enough, it would get better.. but its not looking that way.

I like that idea. I'll talk to her about having a day where we could both just do our own thing and not have to worry about what the other was thinking. I know I would enjoy that, and I have a feeling so would she. Thanks for the suggestion


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Beppie
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I'm glad you liked the suggestion. It might be worth, however, making the time period a little longer than a single day. If the day you chose turned out to be a particularly stressful day for one or both of you, you might not be able to reach the clear headspace that you need to be in to sort things out. I'd recommend trying a whole week.
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sekatsim
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The only problem with a week is that we usually do quite a bit together. I stop by at her house for an hour or two after school when I can. She comes over for dinner and movies once a week, we often go shopping on weekends, etc. I'm afraid I'd die of boredom without that . I'll ask her what she thinks about it tho. If she wants a week, then bored I shall be
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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by sekatsim:
She comes over for dinner and movies once a week, we often go shopping on weekends, etc. I'm afraid I'd die of boredom without that . I'll ask her what she thinks about it tho. If she wants a week, then bored I shall be

Hey, I think this is a sign right here: It's understandable that you'd miss her, but you should develop or rekindle other friendships and interests. One special friend is great, but s/he shouldn't be your only source of entertainment/alleviation of boredom. Can you think of any other activities or friendships you could persue in the meantime? For starters, how about making a list of things you wanted to do when you were together but didn't have the time to do?

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sekatsim
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If only I was that interesting lol.

I'm something of an anti-social person. I like my computers and my music and one or two people, its just me. I guess I didnt have much to do before I met her either. Tho making a few friends couldnt hurt. I'll certainly keep an open mind. Thanks for posting, Ecofem


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Beppie
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While trying to make new friends is great, it can also be good to have some time to yourself, especially when you're mulling over relationship issues.

I'm sure you could probably find some good books to read (I really like fantasy literature myself), or you could try writing out your thoughts about this relationship for yourself (if no one else is intended to see it, you could find yourself writing some things that you wouldn't put in a letter to this girl or in a post to these forums-- this could help you sort your feelings out).


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sekatsim
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I've been doing that for a while, and you're right. It feels good to write a long email, get Everything out, and then save it and never show it to anyone.

I've been meaning to read Paradise Lost, actually, perhaps now's my chance. Thanks for the suggestions

[This message has been edited by sekatsim (edited 11-06-2005).]


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Beppie
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No worries. When you're finished with Paradise Lost, I recommend Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy. I don't totally agree with Pullman's entire approach to religion, but they are very well written, and have an interesting Blakean take on the Milton.
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sekatsim
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Yes, I've read those books a couple of times. One of my favourite series of all time. Up there with Dune and LOTR. In fact, the quotes used in those books were part of the reason I wanted to read Paradise Lost.
Posts: 10 | From: Ontario | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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