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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » He's a sex addict, I'm not

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Author Topic: He's a sex addict, I'm not
Olive
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Member # 8964

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My boyfriend of 3 years wants sex constantly, and I do not. But if I don't give it up he makes me feel so guilty that I cant sleep or function properly that I give it to him anyway. I hate this. I work nearly full time, go to college full time and he doesn't do either.

I explain to him that I work and go to school and need to rest and I'm too tired to have sex. He thinks its just some lame excuse. I've almost broke up with him over this, it is a regular argument. Nearly everynight. I like school and I love my job but lately Ive not been going to school because I'm too tired and unmotivated in the morning.

I have told him to get a full time job and see if he still wants it as much. What am I to do it this continues? He puts it in my face that some girls beg their men to give it to them. So I tell him beck, go get one of those girls who has the same schedule you do. He tells me all guys are like this, I've delt with other guys and I know they're not but if I brought that up it would cause an argument in an argument and so i keep shut.

The sad thing is I should be stressed about school or work, but no I'm stressed about him and i tell him he causes me a lot of stress. I want to be a healthy person and I know to acheive that I need to eliminate the stressor.

Is it fear that keeps me with him. I dont want to destroy his happiness. But I also want to protect mine. We did break up for a year and I was REALLY enjoying my single life, it was great. I'm 18 I should be dealing with this, I feel like I'm married. We live together, there's not a night we spend apart. I want to make this work but I want to know he wants to make it work.

So I know I should talk to him....I have, trust me. But he gets mad and yells when I bring it up. I feel as though I'm getting mentally raped... by my boyfriend, this is not right.


Posts: 338 | From: Livermore, CA | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The_Guardian
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Member # 24491

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I can see that this situation is very stressful to you.
What your boyfriend is doing isn't right in my opinion.

I would say it is manipulation.
You definetly need to make a clear mark, about where you stand, and stick to it, not give in just because he makes you feel bad about it.
You seem to have a healthy view on life and a lot of things going on.

While your boyfriend wants to have sex every day, do you know how often you want to have sex ? I mean have you told him that ?
Cause this need to be something both are happy with, not just him, and not just you.

""Is it fear that keeps me with him. I dont want to destroy his happiness. But I also want to protect mine. We did break up for a year and I was REALLY enjoying my single life, it was great. I'm 18 I should be dealing with this, I feel like I'm married. We live together, there's not a night we spend apart. I want to make this work but I want to know he wants to make it work.""

Judging from this, you seem to have been really happy when you were single, why go back to something that you don't enjoy ?

I would say it can be fear that keeps you, perhaps you re afraid that you won't find anyone better ? That this is the best you can get ?
Perhaps you've been together with this guy so long that you doubt that you'll find anyone else ?
Honestly I don't really know, but what's bugging me is that you seem to know what you re doing in all other aspects of your life, except when it comes to this issue with your boyfriend.

What I do know, is that you should never do stuff for your boyfriend, just so that he won't feel bad, or unhappy.
Really that's pure manipulation and that's taking advantage of you.
I'm talking out of own experience, when it comes to that.

Be strict, and fair, don't let your boyfriend run over your feelings.

If it doesn't work, my personal opinion is, that you deserve something better than this, really sex isn't about him only.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinK
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1371

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Honey, he's got two hands. If he "needs" sexual release all the time, he can do it for himself.

What does he do for you that makes you feel loved and appreciated? Anything? Cause if all you're getting is guilt guilt guilt when you're supporting him, handling a lot of life stuff, and being the grown-up, you might want to think about that return to the single life. Maybe you'd even meet someone who didn't think that whining until you gave in was a sure-fire arousal technique.

You deserve more than you're getting.


Posts: 3077 | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Olive
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I have told him that I would like sex when I am not tired, and maybe if he really wants it he can try to arouse me and make me want it too.

I am not afraid that I can't find anyone better, I KNOW I can. But I dont think he can find better than me. I get picked up on all the time and asked to go places but I tell them no. I would love to go do things but he would get so upset that it would just be a hassle.

I'm young, attractive, got lots to offer, have a future for myself. And sadly I dont see him in my future.

So why did I get back with him? He wouldn't leave me alone and so we started hanging out. I told him I didnt want a relationship. But he said he couldnt wait for me to be ready.

I've tried breaking up with him and its so difficult, I feel as though I'm the bad one. He has anger problems, breaks things, yells, cries, calls me terrible names. And he won't give me my stuff back so I dont know what else to do beside be nice to him. Well I have to go. bye for now.


Posts: 338 | From: Livermore, CA | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Member # 1207

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From what i'm reading here, you're not happy with him, you know you can do better, you know you deserve better, but he wont' give your stuff back so you're going to play nice until he does? What kind of stuff are we talking about here? Is it really worth all of this?

Don't let him force you into staying in this relationship if you're truly this unhappy. As far as i'm concerned, there's no such thing as trying to break up with someone ... If you want to breakup with him, tell him it's over, tell him why it's over, and stop accepting any of his attempts to contact you. If you're ever worried about your safety, tell your parents and/or contact the police. Don't let him bully you.


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
faifai
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Don't you live together? Who is responsible for the apartment/home? If you need him out of your life, you need to tell him so. Take your stuff back, tell him the truth about how you feel. It seems like you're just stuck in a rut with someone who's now more of a burden to be with than a joy.

You know you should be with someone who gives as much to the relationship as you do, instead of just zapping all your physical and mental energy. You shouldn't be with someone because you're placating him, you should be with someone because you want to be.

You got back together with him because he wouldn't leave you alone and then somehow manipulated you into getting into a relationship even though you weren't ready. You need to stop letting pity for him get in the way of the things you need to do for yourself. It's his life and you can't always be picking up the pieces for him.

I second LilBlueSmurf. Stop letting him do whatever he wants to you. You're a person, not something to be treated however he wants, under whatever circumstances he wants.


Posts: 640 | From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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This is pretty simple: you're in a crap relationship you don't want to be in anymore.

So, you leave. And if he harasses you afterwards -- not surprising, since a lot of the behaviour of his you've described here is fairily emotionally abusive -- you let him know you intend to file for a restraining order, and if he doesn't heed that warning, you file it.

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Heather Corinna
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"You have to love women who are brave enough to do things so big in a world where women are supposed to be so small." - Andrea Dworkin


Posts: 67145 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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