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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Injustified guilt?

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Author Topic: Injustified guilt?
Member # 23393

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First of all, let me begin by complimenting the Moderators of this forum and the information they provide.

My story is a reasonably long one, but I will try to condense it as much as possible.

To begin with, I met a lady back in fall of 02 somewhat through my work. I am a first year resident physician now, age 25, she being a first year surgical tech student, age 21. Me met during the better half of my second year of school, and Our relationship progressed. The first six months were exceptional, with her being non-clingy, accepting of my long hours, and her ability to have time on her own and mutual respect for one another, (or so it seemed).

A bit of background on her: she comes from a single parent family, namely her mother the guardian, and her mother has been married and divorced an additional 3 times since the split from my girlfriend's biological father.

Our problems began when I discovered she had a drinking problem. Not in your traditional sense of an everyday craving, but when she started, she couldn't stop. These episodes ended with violent actions and verbal abuse.
I decided that instead of abandoning the situation, I would stick by her, and indeed she quit, and to my knowledge has no had a drink since.

However, the problems with her verbal abuse, and lack of anger management everytime something would bother her, slowly drove a wedge between us. I began to notice the typical abuse pattern of her flying off the handle ( behaving abusively, name calling , mind games, put-downs, disrespect), to her "realizing" the wrong, and apologizing. however, this behavior never changed, and in a manner it seemed like she was very immature emotionally.

To come to closure, a best friend and medical school colleague I have had for years fell in love with her, and began to tell her spiteful rumors about things I did (such as cheating and visits to nude bars etc) unbeknownst to me.

Now at this point we were living together for the better half of a year. She left for a week to go to her mothers after a minor argument about how I worked too much and didnt have enough time for her, and ended up comign back and moving out. I was awestruck and when I tried to protest her leaving, she called me every name in the book.

I came to find out about my friend's lies to her, and of course told her all about it. She tried to come back that night later on to "get back together" but I told her I was upset at the fact she never came to me directly to ask about the rumors, and never considered the reason my "best" friend would be betraying these things to her. i told her I needed some time to consider things.

A few days later, I awoke to her breaking into my house via the back window. She came into my room and picked up some minor trinkets, and started off on a tangent about how I was this and that, which escalated into her shouting, and me sitting there silently. All of a sudden, she hit me twice, on the shoulder and chest. then ran to the bathroom with my cell phone, and proceeded to call my previously dialed calls to see "who I was cheating on her with".

I told her to leave of I would call the cops, which she did, but I felt I needed something on record, Just in case she marked herself up, and came back with the police herself, that would be the end of my career and life as I know it. I didnt feel very good but I made a statement to the police in which I stated I didnt want to press any charges, to which they replied it was out of my hands, since domestic violence was handled by the state independantly of the parties involved.

My question is this...

Did I do the right thing? as of this moment these episodes unfolded about a wee ago, all i the space of one week. i feel so guilt-wracked, empty and lonely of course, which i understand is normal. But is my guilt justified?

-thanks for your time..

Posts: 5 | From: tampa` | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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Resident already? Wow, you got through school fast. I'm the same age as you and I'm just filling out my secondaries. (any tips? i didn't apply anywhere in FL)

Did you do the right thing? Yes. What she did by breaking into your house and assaulting you (yes, it's assault and battery) is definitely in the realm of intimate partner violence, and colloquially puts her into the "psycho ex" range of behavior.

Reporting the incident asserts that you will not tolerate that sort of behavior from her (or anyone else).

And she doesn't sound like much of a prize to begin with. You were a saint for helping her through the alcoholism and tolerating so much verbal abuse. But really, you're in a better place without her. The violence is enough cause to remove her from your life, but she also had big time trust issues that she wasn't willing to approach in a mature manner.

So stop beating yourself up for calling the cops on her. She needed a reality check. and you need the freedom. If she breaks into your home again, I highly recommend placing a restraining order on her.

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 23393

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Thank's Gumdrop. it's good to have an outside opinion on everything.

Also, try applying out of state, since tuition is higher for out of state applicants, that gives the school more money, which is essentially their goal.

To get in make sure you have plenty of volunteer work at any type of facility, and also, that you do well on the Mcat, if your gpa is anything less than a 3.9

One more word of help...

When you go for the interview, this is what to say: That you feel like you have a skill, combined with knowledge, and the drive to complete the task at hand, and you feel like medicine in general will benefit from your involvement. in that manner you will have something to truly give back to society.

Hehe, lots of people say "I want to help people", but .. that's technically not the whole truth. <grin> plus , they' have heard that one from the beginning of time.

In any event, thank's again for your assistance.

Posts: 5 | From: tampa` | Registered: May 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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