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Author Topic: Boyfriend's Father Overprotective
CMTFlovesHAH
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I think my boyfriend's father has just crossed the line from being protective to just WRONGLY overprotective.

You see early this morning my boyfriend got off of work at around two o'clock and he had to drive two coworkers home. One of them lived near me so he came to visit me for 30 minutes. He parked across the street because my drive way was covered in snow and slippery. 30 minutes later he left.

This morning his Dad said that he thinks that he came to see me early this morning. (He is not supposed to see me without his permission.) The way he thinks this is that while his Dad was out at four in the morning with his wife that he had been separated from for a little over a month (that's another story) he came over to my home and saw my footprints in the snow leading up to and from my home. He believed these to be my boyfriends footprints.

I think that this is crossing the line, and really crossing the line to weird overprotective if he did get out of the truck and came into my yard. Nonetheless this makes me feel violated and worried. I mean this is just not right.

I think there is nothing I can do but am I right to feel this way? Is this crossing the line?

Thanks!


Posts: 76 | From: NC, USA | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BruinDan
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quote:
Originally posted by CMTFlovesHAH:
One of them lived near me so he came to visit me for 30 minutes. He parked across the street because my drive way was covered in snow and slippery. 30 minutes later he left.

So then he violated his father's rule, right?

Whether or not your boyfriend's father is living his life (and enforcing his rules) in a manner which you think is appropriate is basically irrelevant, darlin'. Your boyfriend is his son, and he is charged with following the house rules until he's no longer there. This seems unfair to all of us at some time or another, and I doubt there's a single person on these boards who hasn't been frustrated by parental enforcement of rules at some point or another, but the fact remains the same. Your boyfriend's father makes the rules, and enforces them to whatever extent he chooses.

I agree that his father certainly acted in an unconventional manner in making his claim that his son was at your house, but how he got that information really doesn't matter. The fact is that your boyfriend was over there in violation of house policy, and Pops knows about it. Now comes the fun part.

Since your boyfriend was adult enough to make the conscious decision to visit you, he will now be adult enough to face the consequences. No amount of rationalizing or bringing up his father's bizarre lifestyle patterns or trying to explain things away can change that.

Odd as it may be, this is how it is for your boyfriend right now. Your family may be different, but evidently that's the way it goes on his side of the tracks. And realistically, so long as he's not beating the hell out of his son or parking in your driveway all day to watch your comings and goings, there isn't all that much to be done about it.

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BruinDan, "Not Quite Morrissey," PHOM

¡Siendo padrote no es cil!


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CMTFlovesHAH
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Well, since he can only go out with me once a week no wonder we want to see more of each other. He's 17, 18 in May, for crying out loud. I'm 18.

By the way he is not in trouble. His Dad couldn't prove it was him.

Why is it always the people that need the help that can't get any?

I mean I can't help my boyfriends Dad's bizarre rules. And if that's not enough, my Dad who is 65 has Dementia and he acts crazy most of the time and can't walk well at all, he drives me and my Mom nuts and we've talked to everyone we can think of and no one will help us take care of him. As long as he can make conscious decisions they can't help. As long as we are here to go nuts taking care of him no one else gives a care.

So I feel like everyone is always saying, "Sorry, I wish I could do something to help you but there's nothing anyone can do so just face it, and deal."

Don't I get a break somewhere?

I just want to spend time with my boyfriend, that is what makes me feel happy. It makes me forget about the mess I have to deal with at home.

Why is it always, "Sorry can't help."?


Posts: 76 | From: NC, USA | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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Well, what were we supposed to tell you? We're trying to help you, but some problems are tougher than others.

We're not going to say that it's okay to break the rules our parents set for us. As long as we depend on them for support, we need to respect the boundaries they set.

We're sorry your father is dealing with mental illness. Have you tried to find a support group in your community for families of demetia and Alzheimers sufferers? If your father is proving to be difficult to care for in your home, have you discussed hospice care with a doctor? do you have support from other family members? if not, that's a good place to start. How about a hospice nurse for in-home care if a group home is totally out of the question? Has your mother looked into something called "power of attorney?"

It's not fair to yourself or your boyfriend to rely totally on him as an emotional crutch. you need to expand beyond that and find what else makes you happy. If he can't come out to see you, then why not hang out with other friends?

otherwise, YOU need to have a word with his dad and tell him you would like to see his son a little more often because his support is helping you through some hard times. If that doesn't work, you will need to respect that decision until your boyfriend is independent.

no, we're not going to condone things like sneaking out or breaking rules in this case, so if you want change then you're going to have to affect it directly.

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CMTFlovesHAH
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If I say anything to his Dad he will get mad and punish my boyfriend. That's how he thinks. That would be undermining his authority. Crappy authority though. His family doesn't like me to much either because as my boyfriend says, "They don't understand me." What he means is I am an honest person, I am real. I don't do the fake "oh how are you, nice shoes" conversation that everybody else does. I just tell it like it is. I am just not a people person, I am an only child. Also, I do not ever want children and I can't see why anyone would want them. To much responsibility. The world is over populated anyway. It's just so hard for me to do that fake stuff.

Yes, my Mom has power of attorney, but it still doesn't matter he can still make rational decisions and as long as he can do that he can't go into like a nursing home without his okay, which will not happen.

I know not everyone knows about Dementia but just because he has a mental illness doesn't mean his body is not healthy. My Dad is healthier than my Mom. My Dad could live for years like this and his mind, it'll just get worse.

No, most of my family is dead or doesn't give a care about us, as long as we are here to take care of him they don't care.

I don't have any friends now, they are all at college and my best friend of seven years has changed into a different person since she went to college. She went crazy because her parents aren't there to watch her. So she does anything she wants. All she wants from me is a taxi service to and from her home and college. And even if she did talk to me she would just say "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,"over and over again like she does.

Now I hope you see why I care so much about my boyfriend. He is my friend too I know someone is going to quote me on this but he is my everything.


Posts: 76 | From: NC, USA | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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