Hello there, I've never done this before, not really, so I apologize if I sound kind of silly. I'm British, Philippino, Spanish, and American, (living in Asia...), my ex boyfriend is from Liverpool, and he's always bringing up this stuff about where he’s from, and how the females there are always giving him what he 'wants.' This is going to sound really sad but, last year I dated twenty-two guys, twenty-two! Does that seem a lot to you?… It does to me. (These were boyfriends by the way, and I do play "hard to get") Twenty-two guys either dumped or got dumped simply because I do not want to have sex.
Everyone in my high school has gone so far, and I'm kind of behind there. I hang out with a group of girls that always get labeled, I just so happen to get labeled too even though I’m not like them in a lot of ways. Do guys automatically think that if your "good-looking" you've done "it", or want to? Sometimes I find me self being feminist because if there’s nothing wrong with the whole male race… there’s something wrong with me. (Twenty-two ‘things’ gone wrong with me.) And I hate to admit it, but it really hurts. I know there will be the right time for everything but I begin to wonder if it’s going to be like this forever. Every single attempted relationship has hit rock bottom because I don’t want to do that kind of stuff. I know this is difficult to answer seeing as you don’t know me but is love based on making love? Hah, I don’t think I even believe in romantic love. I’m not going to have sex unless I want to, but what am I doing? I what can I do? Perhaps there right, it is just silly me? Or is it? xoxo "Silly Me"
[This message has been edited by Girltristar (edited 10-29-2003).]
quote:Sometimes I find me self being feminist because if there’s nothing wrong with the whole male race… there’s something wrong with me.
Hey, being feminist doesn't mean thinking there's anything wrong with the "whole male race" - it simply means believing that men and women are equal and that the same standards apply.
So there's no need to worry about "being feminist" - personally, I think it's a fine thing to be .
quote:Do guys automatically think that if your "good-looking" you've done "it", or want to?
Guys are as varied as anyone else, so it's impossible to make generalizations about what they will or won't think.
It sounds like you've had a lot of bad experiences with people automatically expecting you to have sex with them, but that doesn't mean that everyone thinks or behaves that way.
There's no reason why you should let yourself be pressured into sex before it's something that you want.
quote:is love based on making love?
Nope. For some people, having sex with the people they love romantically can be a powerful and intimate experience, and one way of expressing their love physically.
But sex can't magically create love, and love doesn't automatically lead to sex. There are plenty of forms of love - such as love for friends, or parental love - which don't involve sex at all.
And if you're not ready for sex, then it certainly won't create love, and if anything it's likely to be emotionally and physically risky.
quote:this is going to sound really sad but, last year I dated twenty-two guys, twenty-two! Does that seem a lot to you?… It does to me. (These were boyfriends by the way
No-one here is going to be judgemental about what's "sad" or not, or how many partners is a "lot".
But as a practical point, it seems from those figures (an average of less than 17 days per boyfriend, according to my calculator) that you may be jumping into relationships very fast and not allowing yourself much time to get to know a guy first.
How about not embarking on an official "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationship until you've got to know someone better as a friend?
That way, you may be in a much better position to find out what they're like as a person, and to weed out the guys who are only interested in you for sex.
I think you’re entirely right. I never thought of it that way. I guess my fear of not being liked by someone simply because I wish not to have sex had taken the best of me. Some of the past relationships I had with those "twenty-two" were great, in fact some of them were extraordinary. There were guys I was so infatuated with I had turned into one of those school girls that literally start getting goofy and clumsy around a certain boy. But after getting to know each one, I had realized the whole utopian world once shared with some one I thought could have been perfect was crushed right in front of me after hearing the words, "We are either going to get in the sack, or I’m outta here!" I guess that’s why they call it a crush. I recant my feminist statement, and I apologize for that. Although I do consider my self-feminist at most times. I wonder, since you said I should look into guys more instead of having an abrupt ending, if my ex-boyfriend, "Liverpool" deserves another chance. He did tell me that I should have sex with him, and that all the girls back in Liverpool were more open and my mind is too closed. But like you said, should I look more into him? Because I have to admit, every word he said that had to do with sex made me judge him. I just found him ignorant that way. Am I being too judgmental? Would you drop a guy that was desperate to get into bed with you, but you really didn't want to? xoxo Me
[This message has been edited by Girltristar (edited 10-29-2003).]
I think actually one of the things you missed in what logic said was that perhaps (and I'd suggest as much), you should stop focusing so much on always needing to be in a "relationship" period. Like say, simply dating. Or IMO, taking a break from all of it to refuel and really have the space to yourself to establish what you want at all.
How long was the last spread of time you went without any partner at all? Even more than a a month, which is a very small amount of time to be on one's own for? Why consider dating someone again who right here you're saying you find ignorant? Is it that scary to be on your own for a little bit?
I use quotations primarily because I don't think we can really call a two-week-or-less stint with someone any kind of serious relationship.
quote:I wonder, since you said I should look into guys more instead of having an abrupt ending,
No, I'm saying it's abrupt beginnings that might be the problem.
If someone's trying to pressure you into sex you don't want, then an abrupt ending may be totally appropriate!
quote:He did tell me that I should have sex with him, and that all the girls back in Liverpool were more open and my mind is too closed. But like you said, should I look more into him?
No, that's not what I'm saying. You already know that he's trying to pressure you into sex; why would you want to get involved with him again?
quote:the whole utopian world once shared with some one I thought could have been perfect was crushed right in front of me after hearing the words, "We are either going to get in the sack, or I’m outta here!"
I'm guessing that in that case, the whole utopia wasn't very real to begin with.
Someone who respects you and cares about you isn't going to come out with statements like that to begin with, or try to bully you into something you don't want to do.
So how about being more cautious? Instead of becoming infatuated and deciding that someone's "perfect" right away, try to get to know them gradually and find out what they're like as a person before you even consider becoming a couple.
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