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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » unfaithfulness

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Author Topic: unfaithfulness
6Musketeers
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Member # 14393

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My bf of 5 years had a 4 mth affair last year. We sorted things out and patched up, after he made a clear break with the girl in front of me.

After the incident, he has been more loving and attentive to my needs. However, I just found out last week that he has been in touch with some girls whom he met over the net. I managed to talk to one of them and she claimed that my bf keeps wanting to have sex with her though nothing happened.

Do u think it's still worth it to hang on to such a guy?


Posts: 4 | From: Singapore | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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If you know a partner has lied to you and continues to do so, then no, that's not a safe or respectful partner for anyone.

Sounds like you need to talk to HIM, though.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
6Musketeers
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It has been a torturing week. Truth is finally out. The girl was trying to hide the fact of them sleeping together. The thing is he was indeed having sexual relationships with the girls.

I always talk to him, hoping to keep a healthy communication between us. But he is never honest. I cannot do without him and still decided to give him another chance last night. He confessed all his mistakes and promised to be good and honest from now on. He did seem apologetic, remorseful. His colleagues told me that he was indeed very very down this week when I ignored him and he broke down in front of the guys, saying he has learnt his lesson and wants me back.

I am rather paranoid and insecure after so many discoveries of his many affairs.....Heartbroken, seems that my past effort and forgiveness are all taken for granted. I am in a dilemma, why would he still want to hold on to me since he loves to flirt or sleep around? Shd I really be strong and end this relationship?

[This message has been edited by 6Musketeers (edited 10-28-2003).]


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You CAN do without him. This isn't Romeo and Juliet, this is real life.

If you want to be with someone you know full well is not at all trustworthy, that's your business.

But IMO, shacking up with someone you know has and will continue to lie to you (and if you've agreed on monogamy, cheat on you, likely also putting you at a greater risk for STIs to boot), screams out a giant lack of self-respect and self-care.

There's plenty of reasons why someone would want to hold unto a partner and still be a liar and a cheat. We could tallk the psych on that all day, but it doesn't change anything, the fact of the matter is that he still is and you clearly know that.

How can you expect someone else to give you respect if you don't give it to yourself, girl?


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6Musketeers
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I do believe in monogamy. He is very uptight about it too (as in for me, though he cant uphold that belief himself,he is often pissed even when I talk or go out with frens who are gay) This is double standard, or is it the traditional, conservative chinese male chauvinism in him?

I just scheduled for an appt with the gynae this Friday, for STD and HIV tests. He is also going with me for the tests. I am truly worried, as the 2 girls whom I found out was sleeping with at least 2-3 guys concurrently and my bf did not use any protection while he was with them.

Do u think counselling will help? He's so hooked on the internet IRC and pornography. Apparently he has a high sex drive...Our sex life has been regular and happy so far. We do communicate on that and agreed that we are doing fine yet he still looks for others after leaving my place late at nite. He said that he is willing to go thru counselling and make changes for me.....

I know I sound silly here, especially when I am not exactly young like the other girls here...am already 24 this year. Thanks for all advices.

[This message has been edited by 6Musketeers (edited 10-29-2003).]


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Honestly, you seem to be asking for me to say something other than I have.

And I'm not inclined to.

A high libido isn't an excuse for lying, for cheating, for double-standards, for putting your health at risk, for any of it. Nor is it a reason: all sorts of people having high-running libidos still care for the partners they have and easily manage the rules of relationships they agree to. And can be truthful.

And no, I don't think counseling will help. I think you need to move on and live your life until a partner comes up for you who treats you with some real respect (rather than just reaching when you're going to leave, or acting chastized when he gets caught in this stuff) and care.

You don't need counseling, and the problem is HIM. Maybe some counseling would help him, but what's going to help you, IMO, is taking off the rose-colored glasses and recognizing you're hanging on to a whole lot of nothing.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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