Me and my boyfriend have been going out for about 3 years, and are seniors in highschool. We have never had a really bad fight, when we argue we deal with it and get over it. I have planned my future around us and he has done the same, we consider ourselves serious. I have never been jealous of other girls except now. Our school has done a exchange tour with a foriegn school and one of the girls that came over likes my boyfriend. He has gone to many parties involving the exchange students that i couldnt go to but i didnt mind, i trusted him. He assured me many times that he didnt like her he was just nice to her so he wouldnt hurt her feelings. Recently a friend of mine emailed him her new number and i wanted it. A while back my boyfriend said i could always check his email so i figured this would be no exception. I logged on and found numerous emails from the foreign girl. I read them, and couldnt beleive what i saw. They had been messengering and emailing for weeks and he never said a word about it to me but thats not upset me the most. They had little nicknames for eachother and she asked him on dates. To which his excuse for why he couldnt go was "i have to go to a movie with my girlfriend" and she responded, "too bad we can dance together" and he agreed. When i confronted him about it i was calm and explained what happend. I told him i know i shouldnt have read his email and i apologized. He said the only reason he didnt tell me was that he didnt want to hurt my feelings, and the only reason he emailed her back and agreed to those things that he didnt want to hurt her feelings. But shouldnt my feelings matter more? He doesnt understand why im still upset, (this happend yesterday) but i am. I consider this to be cheating and lying and im very very hurt. What do you think? Was I more wrong reading his mail, or him sparing her feelings?
Does it really matter who is "more wrong" in the situation here? How does establishing that really help the situation at this point?
What does matter at this point is you and your boyfriend sitting down and talking this out. I know it's hard, but all this blame has to be put aside. Arguing about who's to blame or who's more to blame isn't going to do anything other than cause more confusion.
You need to sit down with him and talk about the issues involved here...namely trust, loyalty, and honesty (on the part of both of you). You need to talk about what you both consider as cheating and lying and what will be considered as such in your relationship. You're going to have to get that all out there on the table and decide how those things are defined within your relationship. If you feel like those types of things are cheating, then that needs to be made apparent.
youre right about it not helping the situation, but its a question i cant help but ask. It would help me. i wanted to know if i was being irrational and just being jealous, (as he sees it) or rational and understandably upset, as i see it. We had already talked about what we considerd cheating and it was clearly stated between us that dating other people, even if there was no kissing or anything else, it was still cheating.
Posts: 117 | From: Washington | Registered: Jun 2002
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Well then maybe it's an issue of going further in defining what constitutes "dating".
I do understand the questions surrounding whether what you feel is rational or irrational. Honestly, I've been in that situation many times myself. You can ask my fiancee...he'll tell you that I ask that very question on a regular basis when we argue. But the bottom line, again, is that you've gotta realize that it simply doesn't matter. Whether it is rational or not...it's what you feel (and what you felt at the time). And declaring it rational or irrational won't change it or really make you feel any better (again, I know this from experience). You felt like that was cheating and lying based upon the definitions of your relationship, therefore you got upset. That makes perfect sense. He simply may not see it that way...he may not have seen his actions as cheating or lying. But regardless, it is how you saw the situation and how you felt about it, and there's nothing wrong with that. Don't beat yourself up over it by worrying about fault. You'll just drive yourself crazy.
As I said before...no matter what has been said about it before, you need to have another conversation. Sit down across the kitchen table from each other and hash out the issues. Don't assume anything, lay it all out as clearly as possible. Explain how you saw the situation and how that made you feel. Have him do the same. And then talk about where that leaves the two of you. Maybe some boundries need to be redefined or some assumptions need to be reexamined.
In all honesty, hon...while I know it seems like finding a place to lay the blame or finding out if what you feel is rational or "right" will make you feel better, I can tell you from experience that it won't. I've asked the same questions a million times, and not once has it made me feel any better when I got an answer. Rational or irrational, feelings are valid and that's all that matters. The only way to get any peace or closure about the issue is going to be to hash it all out with your partner and come to some kind of mutual conclusion.
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