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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » the aftermath

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Author Topic: the aftermath
Member # 13788

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I had posted awhile ago about how i was so lost with my past love and present, and that i was letting the 2 interfere with eachother and things were getting bad. I was given great advice about being honest and finally letting go to who was interferring in my present relationship. I told my recent boyfriend about all that i had done, all the cheating, all the lies. I basically emptied out my closet clean. I figured that he would never want to talk to me again and that he would tell the world what i did to him....but he didnt. He told me that he was expecting it and that he really wanted to work it out. He didnt accpet it, but he said that he loved me unconditionally and that no matter how much it hurt, he loved me and he was willing to work so hard to get passed this. Sometimes its really hard for us, and he goes through so much pain. I cant imagine what position ive put him in and i almost wish that he would have dumped me and talked a bunch of smack about me, becuase thats what i feel i deserved. This has been so hard for me, watching someone you truly care about go through hell for you, all because you couldnt contain yourself and had no will power. I regret all that i did to him and all the pain ive put him through. I just feel like my hands are tied when it comes to this healing process. We are very oopen now honest, and ive done everything in my power to make sure nothing like this ever happens again. I changed my whole way of thinking to make sure nothing like cheating and dishonesty would ever be an issue. I just dont know how to help him. But i dont feel my words mean much anymore, considering what has happened. I know what i have done to this relationship is wrong in every which way possible. But we have decided to get through it together. And no matter how hard it is im willing to try...but when do you know its just not going to work out ...this in unbareble..seeing him....seeing what i caused...and knowing that the reason he might never be the same is because of me..any advice?. Anything would do really.
Posts: 26 | From: Miami, FL USA | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3072

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With things like these, it's important to remember that there are two sides to every coin.

I think it was a bold move for you to tell your boyfriend everything and make your strongest attempt to move past the mistakes you have made, and you deserve credit for both owing up to the fact that you, like the rest of us, are not perfect and do make mistakes; and for so completely committing yourself to doing whatever it takes to improve the situation. It is all too common for someone to make a mess, leave, and wreak havoc upon their former mate for years simply by virtue of what they did while they were still in the relationship. So for you to decide to hang in there and repair what you can while making a conscious and concerted effort not to make the same mistakes again, I feel you owe yourself a pat on the back.

For right now, it's important to remember that this isn't just about your's about you. Just as he will have to come to terms on his own with what you may have done, you will need to come to grips with the fact that you made a mistake and move past that on your own. You see, for you to spend all your time trying to take care of your boyfriend would be dangerous, as you would therefore be spending less time taking care of yourself. And no relationship can succeed when one party is fine and the other is not. It's a two-part deal, and you've got to make sure you don't lose yourself in the shuffle.

So my recommendation would be for you to make sure you are taking care of yourself first and foremost. After all, that is what your boyfriend is doing...working out the kinks, trying to come to grips with whatever transpired. Now is the time for you to do the same for yourself. Once you've found yourself able to accept the fact that you're human and move on, you will no doubt find things working more smoothly. At the same time you'll be giving your boyfriend the space he needs to clear his head and work things out, and you really can't go wrong with that.

Take care of yourself, my dear. I hope things work out for you and your boyfriend.

BruinDan, "Number Three," PHOM

Beware the naked man who offereth you his pants.

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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