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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » not in love

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Author Topic: not in love
Member # 15095

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today was mine and my boyfriend's ("bob", for simplicity) 5 week anniversary. yesterday i spent the day with a guy friend ("joe") of mine, whom i'm, well...really in love with. either that or really really infatuated. as for my boyfriend...i care about him, he's a great guy. and he's become a great friend. and i can tell he's crazy about me, but i just don't feel the same. i feel guilty to tears every time he says he loves me and i say it back, knowing i don't. i thought i was for a while, but it changed. before i met him i had a tendency to be depressed all the time, then he came alone and made me feel great. but over the last week or so i've gone back to the way i was, regardless of how much he tries to make me happy. ...i want "joe", and i think i'm starting to resent "bob" for not being him.

now as for "joe", the gist of it is that he's 18 and i'm 15, and he's not a creep so he'd never, even if i wanted to, and he respects "bob" enough to not do that (who's 16 btw). although i know he likes me too, we've talked about it. of his favorite things to say to me is "why can't you be 18 and single?" yea. why can't i be?

ok. my question is for "bob". i don't want to hurt him any more than he's already being hurt now (i think he can tell that i'm lying to him).. i don't want to be alone again, and i don't want to destroy him by breaking up with him. is it fair to him for me to stay with him when all i can think about is how much i want to be with "joe?" should i be straight with him? "joe" does...he thinks i'm hurting myself in this. i don't know. i'm trying so hard to not be selfish, but i always am in the end.

blah. sorry that was so long. but i really needed to get that out. thank you in advance for any and all advice given.

------------------ -yellowcard

Posts: 19 | From: xnorthxcarolinax | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Often, this situations are made easier by not seeing it as a choice between two people.

In other words, leaving one person for another is usually not a good idea period, because we al need downtime between realtionships.

So, don't worry about Joe. Put that on the shelf. If in a couple months you're still interested, then come back to it. And stop processing your current relationship with a possible future one: that's just poor form, no matter how much you want to. talk to a platonic friend who you know will stay that way instead.

For now, cut your losses and Bob's. Five weeks isn't half as long as it feels like to you. It's a blink on the radar. Essentially, you're basically switching gears before you've really even settled into one, so it needn't be a major drama.

So, think about what you want just for you. about if you want to be with Bob anymore or not -- with Joe OUT of the equation, especially since it sounds clear to me you need some single time, period.

If that given, you know you want out, talk to him, being as honest and kind as possible, experessing what it is YOU are feeling about your own headspace and the two of you.

If yo can't do that irrespective of Joe, you've got to deal with that issue yourself, because that's a problem.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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