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Author Topic: very lonely and depressed and confusd.
CorsetFetish
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I wanna be with my [freakin'] boyfriend. I don't care if he broke up with me-I really don't think it counts as breaking up if you still say "I love you" and have sex whenever we manage to scrape up a couple of hours and a flat surface. He is my boyfriend. I love him. He loves me. We [get it on]. Should circumstances permit, there's a better than good chance that we'd live together in college. I think I reserve the right to call him my boyfriend. It was our three-month anniversary last Sunday. Granted, not sure that counts since he doesn't refer to me as his girlfriend anymore...but it kinda seemed to me like maybe it should've been *something*. I'm not big on stuff like that, but it's one of those things were it's not a big deal if it doesn't happen, but a big deal if it does? Just would've been nice to feel like a real girlfriend again. Regardless of the fact we're still friends with benefits, and still in love, and have sex, and that we are at least going to try to get back together.....I don't feel as important to him as I'd like to.
Just sometimes...I want to strangle him. He can be so arrogant, so egotistical, so pretentious. Like, last night, I went over to his house because his parents were gone and we slept together. After we'd cuddled for a bit, and danced the horizontal tango, he does the stereotypical male thing and basically ignores me. Now, in the normal course of events, I wouldn't have cared. Girls get snuggly and sappy after sex, men don't- fact of life, nothing will change that. But we only had an hour and a half. That is probably going to be the last chance I have alone with him for a DAMN long time. I didn't really want to spend twenty minutes of it seething. I half-joked about it and he was like, "Take it or leave it..oh wait, I already know the answer to that."
So just because I have a strict policy that I don't get bitchy over stupid [stuff] like that, even if it DOES piss me off, means that I'll let myself be manipulated? That I couldn't walk away from him if push came to shove? He thinks he's got me all figured out, that he knows exactly how to get to me- and he does, for the most part. He knows me better than most, and granted, he can get me pretty fired up. It ain't [terribly] hard. For some reason, I am the EASIEST person to arouse and get off. He teases me sometimes that he's the guy, yet I'm usually hornier. Sometimes he'll be kissing me and then pull back and brush me off the next few times I try to kiss him again, and then he'll kiss me back. I usually don't care, I know he's just being silly, but..
It bothers me. When I want something (from just a hug to actual sex), and he half-way gives it to me, and then pulls back, I feel not in control. And I'm not, in a way. It's not like I can control how horny I get. And it DOES make me want him more, which I'm fairly sure is the whole POINT, but I don't like *that* kind of want. I feel sorta helpless when I'm like, "OK, I'd like to get ON with it if you don't mind."
Little lightblub went on about why it bothers me- It reminds me of when I was raped. Where your body tells you it feels good, but everything else is screaming NO...and it's so confusing, because it's like, "is this good or bad, should i feel this or not?" and it just all goes haywire. And when he plays hard to get, it reminds me of that confusing feeling. That not good.
It's just so scary...to not be in control of that. When we're BOTH acid like rabbits, I feel like it's ok for me to feel sexual, but when he isn't (actually or not), I'm like, "*dot dot dot*" I mean..I'm hornier than your average chick. I have what is apparently remarkable stamina, as I found out with a rather, um, lengthy phone "conversation" with my ex-girlfriend. It doesn't take much for me to climax, it just takes awhile before I get that watery-muscles-cannot-make-eyes-focus-don't-care-that-I-can't-breathe feeling.

OK, enough with the sex already!!!

And I never know if when I feel angry or hurt or something if it's something I SHOULD feel angry or hurt about. If it's really something I have legit cause to be upset about, or if I'm just blowing it all out of proportion and freaking out over nothing. Espicially when it's stuff I know he's not TRYING to be a jerk, he just...is.
I swear, 99.99999% of the time, he is unbelievable about my SI and ana. He listens to me about it, he really really tries to understand it. I've talked to him about it before, gave him the clean cut scientific reason why (the whole endorphin rush, release of tension stuff). Which isn't half of it, really, but it's about as much as anyone who hadn't done it could understand. I showed my poetry and prose that's on here, which I hope helped.
But if tonight's any indication, apparently not...
We were joking about how smart I am, yet I suck so bad at math, and he was like, "Um..don't get pissed..but how can someone so smart not know how stupid something like SI is?"
I wanted to rack him into the middle of next week, [do bad things to] him on Thursday, and then [do worse things] on Sunday. I could feel my face get hot, which is my biggest indicator of "OK, Katie, CALM YOUR [self] DOWN, you're about to get WAY too tempremental." And I just said, "You think I don't know? You think I don't know how ridiculous I look? And he said, "So why do it? and I know all the technicalities, that is [baloney], the human brain is stronger than an endorphin rush."
*return of the seething*
"That would be why I don't cut every time I get triggered."
That's all I remember word for word, he talked about how he'd been through stuff too (which is true, his dad's an alcoholic) but he never got pushed to that. I was thinking, well, yeah, you don't have BPD. Your brain can deal with [stuff] in ways that don't involve razors blades. Good for you, you want a [very tasty] cookie? Mine doesn't. Now keep your [poppycock] judgements to yourself.
I know it's stupid to cut. I know there's better ways of dealing with it. I didn't know that a year and a half ago. I just knew I felt like I had no where else to go but to a razor. It's more than the rush...it was the punishment, the pain, the blood, the scars, a glistening drop of blood on a stainles steel scalpel, a splatter of crimson on a hardwood floor, the hissing of a candle as a blade is held in its flame. It's getting rid of the taint I held inside of my heart, it's trying to take back what was stolen from me, it's scarring myself until I feel that it would never be my fault if someone ever hurt me like that again.

So that would be my sex and boyfriend issues. Probably more than ANY of you wanted to know about my sex life, but yeah...needed to get it off my chest.

Now onto the eating disorder crap...
I'm FINALLY the "ideal" weight that my doctors want me to be. Yay. Whoop-dee-[doobie-doobie]-doo, I would like to go BACK to the size I was at the end of summer, thanks all the bloody SAME! I miss looking like an anorexic. I miss the "whoa holy crap how is she so skinny?" looks. I miss how long my arms and legs looked. I miss seeing my ribs and pelvis jut out. No, it was not beautiful, but I didn't care. I loved it. It was like every impurity of me had dripped off my bones and I was left with nothing but who I was, who I could have been. And the scars... I've had surgery offered to me, to have them covered up, hidden, disguised, removed. Insurance probably won't cover it, and my family can't afford it...but after I showed my parents the scars, my father promised me he'd pay for it.
Do I really want them gone? I no longer believe that they make me who I am, but rather they are merely a part of a fragmented whole. But I feel an emotional attachment to them. I feel as though I would miss them as one would miss a lost limb. I'd keep rubbing them through my clothes, as if to reassure myself that they were there. I'd probably put lotion on the raised, comb-like design of scars when it gets dry just out of habit. I'd scratch them when it was humid merely because they itch when it's wet enough.
And they are proof of my past. Some of them, I remember clearly why they were made.
Like the diamond pattern on my right hip that is etched so boldly into my very skin. Made for my amora. Made for someone who I loved with all my heart, but who could not receive what I wanted so badly to give.

So many thoughts weigh heavy on my heart...these are just the ones I can disern from the wreckage.

~Corset~

[edited for language we can't have here]

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 10-01-2003).]


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Milke
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So, er, what would you like to hear? We can tell you stay with this guy who seems so ill-suited to you, and/or revel in your angst and melodrama. We can tell you to move on and find someone who's actually compatible with you. We can tell you to start a Blog or DeadJournal, and vent there. We could also tell you to check out the lengthy and helpful threads on eating disorders and self mutilation in the Support Groups forum. I guess it's up to you to decide what you want to hear, and follow that advice.

However, we absolutely will tell you to cut out the swearing and use more frequent line breaks. Language needs to be kept clean so people who really need this site don't have it blocked by software filters. You can press the Enter key whenever it suits you, we're not sticklers for proper paragraphs, just please break things up occasionally so it's easier to read.

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Milke, with an L, Mrs BD to you, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, WAOTA

This is the time to unite over the Revolution of the Pants


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Gumdrop Girl
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oi! such spicy language. it's harsh on the eyes. in the future, please be a little more prudent with the swears.

What you and this boy are (couple or otherwise) needs to be discussed clearly. It is obvious that you are not really content just sleeping together. Reevaluate your expectations because it seemed you do not want this to be the half-assed (that's prudent use!) affair that it's become. If you want to be a girlfriend, then tell him that this is what you want. If that is not what he wants, then you're not going to get it from him and just saying that you are doesn't make it so.

one thing though, it's not cool to ever discredit an entire group of people by throwing around some sterotype. that includes "he does the stereotypical male thing and basically ignores me. Now, in the normal course of events, I wouldn't have cared. Girls get snuggly and sappy after sex, men don't- fact of life, nothing will change that." i mean, way to go with the sexist commentary. not all guys are like that, and not all girls are like that, so it's not fair to make statements like that.

As for the quick and easy arousal, hey, some girls are like that and it's stupid to shame them for a natural physical reaction. I know how you feel there. It does no one any good and it only breeds dirty, shameful guilty and otherwise negative feelings towards something that should be a positive experience. The way you deal with that is say, "Look, this is just how I am, and I don't appreciate you making me feel dirty about something that should be special for the two of us."

On the other hand, you have a lot of issues with his attitude. Are you sure you want to be with someone who you think acts so condescending towards you? Do you want to be with someone who doesn't treat you the way you feel you want to be treated? If no and no, then why do you want this to work so badly?

And the body image issues, disordered eating, and self-mutilation, check out the Support Groups forum for more info about those. I'm sure you're pretty well aware that each of these things is an unhealthy, self-destructive, negative behavior, but do you feel self-empowered to change these into positive behaviors? It's harder to find that empowerment when you don't think anything is wrong. however, given the risks for causing yourself serious bodily harm, it really does need to click with you that there is a real problem.

Have you been to a counselor or therapist? Have you found one that you can really open up to? Are you getting anything out of those sessions? Do you ever talk to your parents. I mean, you don't have to bare all of your problems out at once, but you'd be surprised how much headway you can make with your family simply by asking them how their day was. In turn, they will help you (really, they will!).

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CorsetFetish
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*hides in shame*
gah. i'm an idiot. i'm sorry. was really tired and not thinking clearly, that will never happen again. meep.
Thanks to lovely people who edited my post. Also to the those who replied. I mostly just needed to get that out to someone besides my wall. I wasn't trying to be overly melodramatic or asking for sage life-saving advice that would make this all better, I just needed to get something off my chest. The eating disorder, SI, stuff just kinda ended up in there somehow...I'm really sorry for all of that.
I've been going to shrinks for ten years, tried antidepressants for a year and a half...it just doesn't work for me. I talk to my parents, and my brother and his girlfriend, who I call my big sister. The SI is *fairly* under control (less than once a month, yay) and the ED is mostly just my way of thinking now- I still *think* like an anorexic, but I don't *act* like one anymore.
As for why I want it to work out so badly...well, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want it work out because I love him. I have no stars in my eyes about this- even though I love him and I have no doubt in my mind he loves me (as much as he can infuriate me sometimes), and even though the idea of living together, etc. has come up- I doubt it will truly last that long. We both have a LOT of growing up to do, and who knows how much me or him or most likely both of us will change. Not saying I don't want to give it a fair shot, but I'm not banking my entire life and the outcome of my whole future on this one relationship.
Did that once....didn't buy the teeshirt cause it sucked.
So I like to think I haven't gone and pledged deathless everlasting love when I'm 15, because I know that's a little foolhardy. They call us sophmores for a reason.
The "stereotypical male" thing was just that- a stereotype. It was not intended as a dig at any of the male members here, and I see how it could be taken that way, but it was not said with that meaning.

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm whining, I just needed a place to vent a little and this seemed like as good a place as any. If it's not, then feel free to delete this thread and do what you please.

~Corset~


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sublime_15
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Hey hon, I'm 15 and in the 10 grade too so maybe you'll relate to me more. It's pretty obvious to me that this guy is just using your emotional instabilty to use you for sex. I have a friend that has depression and she and her boyfriend have been going out on and off for as long as I've known her, dispite him cheating on her all the time she still goes back to him, and it breaks my heart, I dont want to see that happen to you.

quote:
I think I reserve the right to call him my boyfriend. It was our three-month anniversary last Sunday. Granted, not sure that counts since he doesn't refer to me as his girlfriend anymore...but it kinda seemed to me like maybe it should've been *something*.


Sorry but you really dont reserve the right to call him your boyfriend. I think that the other person should have a say in being someones boyfriend, now dont you think?

quote:
Just would've been nice to feel like a real girlfriend again. Regardless of the fact we're still friends with benefits, and still in love, and have sex, and that we are at least going to try to get back together.....I don't feel as important to him as I'd like to.

Does he know all this? Seems to me that he broke up with you so he can have a convienent source of sex with no relationship baggage. You really dont deserve that if you want to have a relationship with someone, and all they want is the physical part of it. Oh, and yes in relationships sometimes you dont feel as important as you like, my boyfriend left me alone at a powderpuff game last night to go home and eat!(yeah i felt really important then, lol)

quote:
he does the stereotypical male thing and basically ignores me. Now, in the normal course of events, I wouldn't have cared. Girls get snuggly and sappy after sex, men don't- fact of life, nothing will change that.

While its not nice to stereotype people sometimes it applies! I get completly ignored after sex, sure it makes me feel like crap. OH how i dream of the day of cuddling after sex! Next time dont feel so bad it happens to the best of us



quote:
I felt like I had no where else to go but to a razor. It's more than the rush...it was the punishment, the pain, the blood, the scars, a glistening drop of blood on a stainles steel scalpel, a splatter of crimson on a hardwood floor, the hissing of a candle as a blade is held in its flame. It's getting rid of the taint I held inside of my heart, it's trying to take back what was stolen from me, it's scarring myself until I feel that it would never be my fault if someone ever hurt me like that again.


Wow!, I must also recommend you start an online journal or something that writing was incredibly good considering the subject matter.


quote:
I miss the "whoa holy crap how is she so skinny?" looks.

We learned in psychology that kids turn bad because "Negative Attention is better than no attention at all" Those looks you got were most likely looks of concern, sometimes when i see thin people I panic for them "like omg i hope she eats something soon" As for your scars, if you want to keep them go for it but will you really want them your whole life? People will start to judge you from your scars. I have a friend who used to cut and has soon as someone saw his scars they'd immediatly make sure to stay away from him, all the teachers would make sure to be extra sensitive to him and all. So if you dont think you'll want them later in life than opt for the surgery while your parents are still willing to pay for it

Well I hoped this helped, and I hope i didnt offend anyone, as i am a very closed minded person and I have to force my self to open up when i post


[This message has been edited by sublime_15 (edited 10-02-2003).] I dont know how to work the internet :smacks self: I've been here long enough to know!

[This message has been edited by sublime_15 (edited 10-02-2003).] My last try

[This message has been edited by sublime_15 (edited 10-02-2003).]


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sleepyme
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I am not quite sure I understood everything in your letter but there are several things I KNOW I didn't understand...
one) Why arn't you a couple if you are in love? I am not saying it is wrong, I just want to know.
and
two) What is SI?
If those questions would be awserd I'm sure I'd be able to respond more properly. Honestly however I am also in highschool (I'm a Jr.) and I love my boyfriend with all my heart. Still, I do not think I would put up with the stuff you seem to put up with from this guy. I understand you do love him however so my advice to you is this: Please, tell him everything you just told us. Ask him all the question you've asked us, and let him know how you feel. I'm sure it will make you feel much better in the end, even if things don't work out perfectly at first. Oh and please don't say things like "Girls get all sappy after sex and guys don't care" because it is not ture. Guys sometimes like getting sappy after sex, girls sometimes don't. It really just all depends on the person.

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