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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Get over it!

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Author Topic: Get over it!
Member # 14471

Icon 8 posted      Profile for duelist     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Last year my female best friend (I too am female) confessed her feelings to me. She had never seriously questioned her sexuality before having met me (heh, talk about an ego boost), and neither had I really until this revelation.

Very very long story short, what resulted was the most wonderful and almost perfect relationship I had ever experienced. It was all a secret, nobody in our close circle of friends had any idea about us (er, as far as we know), and it remains that way today. The only people we told were those who were not in direct contact with any of our circle of friends (online friends, people who live far away and don't know our little group), so…yeah, big secret.

Longer story short, a few months ago my girlfriend told me that she had "found out" that a very close male friend of mine (well, ours, he's one of my best buds even now) had feelings for her, and she had feelings for him too. She broke up with me that day and a few weeks later they started dating. I suppose it wouldn't have mattered much, as far as feelings go, but he did not know about our relationship. I never what him to find about it either. But I digress…

This whole thing still tears me up. She's my best friend and I love them both dearly and am happy for them, but…I really can't get over this hurt. It's been about three months and we're all starting college in a week. She's moving away while he's staying and going to the same college as I am (my assumption is that they are going to try the long distance thing).

I just need some advice on how to deal with this pain. It's gotten to the point where the constant mulling over the situation has gotten, not only emotionally straining, but simply annoying. I just want to forget about what happened to our relationship, to tell myself that these things happen. But it's not working! It still bugs me. How do I deal with crappy heartbreak so that I don't go insane? College means a new beginning, and I want to start afresh on the emotional front too. Any ideas?

[Oh, and hi, nice to meet you all ]

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Sounds to me like you need some resolution, and no wonder.

I'd suggest setting some time aside to talk to her face to face so that you can air all of this and be heard. Let her know that what she did, and how she did it, really, really hurt you.

Those things happen, sure, but honestly, caring people with their heads on straight don't chuck aside big relationships in the span of a day because someone better comes along. Maybe you weren't seeing -- and she wasn't communicating -- a change of heart she'd been having. Or maybe you were so wrapped up in how happy you were, you couldn't see that it wasn't as perfect for her, or that it wasn't serious for her. Maybe, sadly, it was an experiment for her. Or maybe none of that is so and she just was truly crappy.

But you can only find that out by talking, and doing so may not only give you your answers, but the resolution you need to move on.

As an aside, I certainly do NOT hope she's been dishonest with her next partner about her sexual history with you, because that's really irresponsible behaviour in terms of sexual health and care for a partner.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 13707

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You know sometimes when you are coming out of a relationship you need some time away from situation and the people in it. It can be mighty hard to try and move on when you are communicating with these people frequently. Its like picking at a scab. Best friend or not it sounds like you've been really hurt. Time away could allow you heal and figure out what kind of friendship, if any, you can maintain with your ex.
Posts: 11 | From: Georgia | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 6829

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Hey there! I'll try to relate my story in hopes of helping you out, but my point of view may be of little use to you. A breakup with a girlfriend of mine once left me torn and shattered, as it seems you are, and it seemed to be in much the same way. She didn't communicate to me that she wasn't feeling the same way anymore or something, but that's not the point. I found that, after the breakup, I was still very infatuated with her, and that the more often I was around her, the harder it was. Dantes said that "proximity without intimacy is the truest form of hell", or something like that.

She would not give me an explanation or how or why, as far as she was concerned we were done, zippo, nada, adios! I tried to talk to her about it, and she said basically, she didn't have time for me anymore. And guess what? the next day, to my surprise, I find her, and her new boyfriend, that is, walking merrily around the halls together. The boyfriend was none other than one of my best friends. I was very angry with her and pursued an explanation with renewed vigor. We fought, we threw insults, it was a ridiculous show of immaturity on both parts. After awhile, with much hard work on my part, we started talking again. We are now best friends. Although, I must say, I still love her, which is very sad, since she has made it clear she doesn't want me. So, I find it easier to deal with if I'm not around her. That was a rather long rant, and I'm sorry to have subjected you to my melodrama, but I hope I helped.

Posts: 36 | From: ......up......there..... | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 12941

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hey honey,
i myself just broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. i was completely devoted to this guy and i revolved my world around him. I have found some one new though who treats me the way i should be treated. but even though i have found that it still hurts a lot and i still find myself crying a lot. i know this is for the better. i needed to do this and i know the feelings i had for him before are gone but it kills me inside. you never loose the love you had for someone. it will always stay in your heart a little till the day you die. and it will always hurt you a little. if it were meant to be it will be. if not move on with your life and have fun with it. life is short dont spend the little time you have worried and upset it isnt worth it at all. i hope you feel better and if you need any advice just let me know hun. lots of love

Posts: 85 | From: living hell | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 14471

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You probably won't believe this, but I came to the boards today to post an update on my little dilemma here, and what do I find but more replies of wonderful words ("more" meaning, two more than the original two I saw the day after I posted), putting my post at the top! Gee. =) Thank you so much everyone. I really, really appreciate it and you've all made my day, I swear. Wow.

The Update (um, I apologize in advance if it's way too long, which it will be, I promise =P):

I got a chance to talk to her. Basically what took place was a change of heart. She told me that, towards the last three weeks of our relationship, she began to see me as more of a friend. I did feel that a little, admittedly, but I thought that maybe it was final exam stress, something that had happened at home, the fact that we hadn't gotten a chance to be alone for a while, or…well, I really didn't know, but expected it to blow over.

She found out about my friend's feelings for her a week before she and I broke up (so it wasn't just a one-day decision). However, sadly, I can't help but feel that his confession to her could not have been more convenient. I guess it gave her more of a concrete, fool-proof, no-nonsense reason to end our relationship (which, I know, is a really terrible thing to say). But despite that, she really does like him, she wasn't purely using him as an excuse or anything…

She leaves town for college in a few days, and today I said goodbye to her. I think the (temporary) distance will be good for us. Good for me. It's so true that you always love your first love, because I really can't see this feeling leaving me any time soon. It hurts a lot still, but since this marks a new beginning I really am going to try and have fun with it, you know, not let it get me down so much.

She still wants to be my friend, and I really hope we can be. It's hard to lose a girlfriend *and* a best friend in one fell swoop, afterall. short, I'm counting on the distance between us to heal the wounds a bit (I must say that yesterday I was really feeling that proximity without intimacy hell thing when she was over at my house, haha). I think that that alone will help a lot. But of course, any other opinions are welcome. Again, thank you so much, you guys are great.

(Oh, and in reference to her being honest with her new partner about her sexual history with me…no worries there. Haha, this certainly isn't meant to sound bitter, but we really don't have any more than a, uh, making out history? Yes. I guess that's the word. )

[This message has been edited by duelist (edited 08-30-2003).]

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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