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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » he's taken...but that dont stop us

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Author Topic: he's taken...but that dont stop us
Member # 10111

Icon 9 posted      Profile for soccer_chick02     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
ok, lately ive been getting close to this guy, but he has a girlfriend (an older one). this guy and i have been getting together lately and talking, drinking and messing around and such. we've both kinda decided that we wanna have sex, and i know it'll be like his zillionth time but it will be my first, but i want to lose it to him. but with the issue of his girlfriend, someone blabbed to someone that we had hung out one weekend and its kinda gotten around school, and i really care about this guy and i like his girlfriend alright, but we still wanna do this, but i dont want to break them up or permantly tarnish my rep. *sigh* im not sure what my question is, I guess I just want whatever advice yall can throw at me about this messed up situation. i appreciate you taking time to read this.
God bless~

Posts: 7 | From: North Carolina, USA | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 10480

Icon 1 posted      Profile for StarsApart     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
If he doesn't care enough about you to break up with his girlfriend to really be with you, I would advise you to not have sex with him. Looks like you're being used. I'm sorry.

If people are teasing you at school you have a right to go to your counselor and tell them about it and demand that it be stopped. Sexual Harrassment is against the law and if your school administrators don't stop it, they can be sued.

Posts: 8 | From: South Hadley, MA, United States | Registered: Nov 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

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If none of the three of you (his girlfriend included) have a problem with this situation then there isn't one. However, he needs to be honest with both of you about what he wants and what he plans to do.
Safer Sex...For Your Heart

So, assuming everyone is satisfied with this relationship, let's discuss sex. Your sex life is your business and no one else's. It shouldn't have any effect on your reputation at all. However, that doesn't mean it won't and that's risk you'll have to measure for yourself.

Also, drinking really impairs your judgment so having sex will drunk can be a very bad thing. You may not fully consider all the potential risks such as STIs, pregnancy, or the impact sex will have on your emotions. Why not read through these articles beforehand so you can really make an informed decision:
Ready or Not? –The Readiness Checklist
First Intercourse 101
Safe, Sound & Sexy – A Safer Sex How-To
Margaret Sanger’s Disneyland - An easy chart of your birth control options
A Simple Condom Primer
A Quickie STD/STI Risk Assessment
What's The Risk? - Five Easy Pregnancy Risk Assessment Flow Charts

So, take time and think this through. Talk it over with everyone involved. Come back if you need some support.

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 10111

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i really appreciate the advice. *sigh* this is such a messed up situation. im kinda messed up emotionally lately as well. since ive started highschool this year it seems like all my old "friends" have been so consumed with gettin popular that they've totally ditched me. these friends are the "good" people, in the since that they dont do drugs or "illegal" things, so i had nenevr done these things before. ive started hangin with a new group of friends who have totally accepted me for me but they do these bad things that i know are bad but i do them anyway just because they're doing them. thats kinda how the guy comes into this. he really is a sweetie and a good friend but he has problems at home and is pretty heavy into popping pills and drinking.

anyway, i was thinking about what yall said about him using me. that actually sounds might be plausible in this situation, since his g/f does not know about me and i know he has no intention in breaking up with her. but hes just so nice to me and not many people are lately, i almost feel like i owe him something. i know thats an incredibly dumb reason but i still want to do it.

i read over the info that yall linked for me and both he and i understand about safe sex (he never has sex without a condom and he gets tested every few months).

ive just had such low self esteem lately, and hes the only one who cares enough to ask whats wrong and spend a few hours trying to make me laugh...i know im gonna lose my virginity before i hit 10th grade, and atleast if its with him ill know that it would have been with someone who cares about me. is it wrong to think that?

Posts: 7 | From: North Carolina, USA | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

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I know im gonna lose my virginity before i hit 10th grade, and atleast if its with him ill know that it would have been with someone who cares about me.

Y'know, you do have a choice in the matter. It isn't as if sex is something that's just going to inevitably happen to you in this period of time (like being hit by a truck) and your only hope is to pick the "least worst" person for it to happen with. You can always wait until you find a situation which is completely right for you (don't you deserve that? ), whereas it sounds as if this probably isn't it.

By having sex with a guy who is in a monogamous relationship with someone else, you're potentially hurting his girlfriend (who you say you like) and breaking up their relationship. And the fact that he's planning to cheat on her does not say a great deal for his sense of responsibility, or how much he actually cares about the people he gets involved with.

Here's another article I suggest you check out:

Safer Sex ... For Your Heart

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I wouldn't say it's so much wrong to thi nk that as I'd say it's likely this will have a very different effect on you than you think.

In essence, in the long run it is likely to make you feel WORSE about yourself instead of better. Why?

- You suspect or know you're being used for sex only. You say you know he cares about you, but it doesn't sound like you really believe that and I don't either.
- You are becoming involved in a Big Fat Lie and aiding someone else in lying and being dishonest.
- You have stated that you know full well that both your judgement and his are very unsound right now, and that his in particular isn't even sober.
- You know and have stated that you're basically wanting to do this because you feel you owe sommeone something just for giving you the time of day. When sex is a payment for something, anything, that's prostitution. We all have different feelings on that, but understand that that is what it is.

In short, any one of those things is a recipe for setting yourself up to feel like dirt and look like dirt. All of them combined basically guarantee it.

Really want to feel better about yourself? Start using your head and get more brave about your choices and your worth, because it's pretty clear you know you're not making good choices that are healthy for you. Wanting to do things and doing them are two different things, especially when you know better.

Lastly, I can count on one hand the number of high school boys -- let alone grown people -- I know who get testedfor all STDs and STIs "every few months." I would bet a week's salary that that is a big ol'fat lie just like the rest. And that too, is saying something really obvious -- both that he would say that when it is HIGHLY unlikely to be so (you can find out by simply asking if you can know his clinic name and doctor and last results for which screens and see how fast he comes up with it) and that you'd believe that so readily just because he said so.

If people are accepting "you for you" then you should be able to BE you and do what you know is really best for you without feeling you owe anyone anything, that you need to do what others do, or without having to be dishonest and gullible.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 9384

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High school can be a very rough time for teens. What seemed "in" during junior high isn't always "in" during high school and that can cause a lot confusion that eventually could turn into trouble. You go from the "good" to the "questionable" friends because the "good" ditch you while the "questionable" accept you. That's your decision and only YOU can decide who your friends are.

Does he really care about you? Are you ready to deal with the consequences IF you sleep together? Will this make things worse as far as your repuation goes? Will it hurt what you have with his g-f? I'm also NOT sure why you're willing to lose your virginity before 10th grade. I truly think you should look at the recent changes and decide if that's really you. Are you happier now than a year ago? If not, you may want to see a counselor.

Good luck

Posts: 73 | From: Louisville, KY USA | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 8964

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Being in this type of situation before, I can say when you say "no" you have much more respect for yourself.

Last year, as a freshman in highschool, I liked this boy and I was planning to give my virginity to him. This year as a sophmore, I feel much more control over myself being able to tell guys "no". Trust me sweety, he isnt the only one who cares for you, if he does. Honesty, he probably doesnt even know who you really are as a person and to him you are a type of virgin "booty call". But I don't know whats going through his head, and I guarentee you don't either. What are really his intentions? What will happen after you have sex? Who knows he may never talk to you again, or his gf(bad news) may find out and want to beat you up. You need to step aside of your feelings for him for a moment and as yourself these questions. I really hope that helped.

Posts: 338 | From: Livermore, CA | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 10111

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hey. i'm very thankful for everyone for replying. i decided to try and talk to some of the people involved in my problems now. i just got off the phone with one of my old girlfriends from the "good" crowd. i asked her why they had been ignoring me lately and she said that they all thought that i had been wanting space from them because when i woudl get depressed i would distance myself. she also said she had been worried about me and what they were hearing about me and the things i was doing. well, skipping some details we decided that im gonna go stay with her next weekend and talk to her mom whos a minister, so that maybe she can help with some of my more potent problems. i cannot go to my parents with this because i have an emmense fear of dissapointing them in anyway because my older brother is such a screw up so id rather die than have themfeel ashamed of me in any way.

now about the guy. after i got off the phone with my girlfriend i called him and left a message with his sister so he'll call me later when he gets home. im going to talk to him and tell him how i feel about him and ask him what his true intentions are, then ask him if salvaging a strickly friendly friendship is possible. *sigh* much easy said than done im sure. but i want to try. i like to consider my self a smart person and i dont want to ruin my life and my plans because of one bad year, so im going to try and fix this.

so thanks again for helping, and ill probly still need more support from here in the future. but pray for me that things go well with john later. ill post again later with how it went.

God Bless~

Posts: 7 | From: North Carolina, USA | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 10111

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ok. i talked to him last night. he said he understands how i feel and hes sorry if he has hurt my feelings. he also said that he cares for me as more than a friend, and that if i care for him as much as i said i did then i would still go through with it. i told him id have to think about it. im so confused. i thought i had this all figured out and taken care of yesterday, but now its all messed up again. i dont know what to do now. i dont think i can tell him no when it matters, im scared to. what am i going to do now?
Posts: 7 | From: North Carolina, USA | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1207

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Ya know, maybe you should ask him why he's still w/ his gf if he cares about you so much ... ? He wants to talk about 'what you'd do if you cared about him', maybe it's time for you to turn it around onto him.

But as Heather said, you're helping him in being dishonest. Is that the kind of person you want to be in a relationship w/? If he's lying to someone else, there's nothing saying he wont' lie to you ...

Just please be careful. This guy sounds like he's only interested in the sex and in playing girls against each other. How do you know that there isn't a 3rd girl floating around somewhere in the picture too? You don't. These are just some more things you need to think about ...

In the meantime, maybe you need to seperate yourself from this guy if he's only going to be pressuring you into more sexual activity. Until you make up your mind for sure, you really need to space yourself from him.

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 961

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hes sorry if he has hurt my feelings.

Beware the questionable apology. If you're sorry for what you did, you're sorry for what you did. No 'If' here.

if i care for him as much as i said i did then i would still go through with it. i

'If you loved me you'd _____' statements are serious danger signs, babe. If you love him, it's up to you to decide what that means you're willing to do for him. Not him. Not ever.

i dont think i can tell him no when it matters, im scared to. what am i going to do now?[/B]

If you're scared to tell him no, you need to leave him. Now. A relationship where the idea of basic communication with your partner frightens you is not a healthy one, and is not going to get better.

Someone who'd cheat on his girlfriend, and drink with and proposition someeone else and try to convince her that that's okay is not someone you need in your life.


Better living through Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V

Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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