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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Guys, and emotions.

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Author Topic: Guys, and emotions.
donutduchess
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My bf is so great! I like him sooo much!

I think he has trouble expressing how he feels.

Like I got into a car accident last night, and he was asking about it, but it was like he was scared, or something. Hes not home now, hes on vacation.

Then when I first liked him, I asked him why he went to prom with me, and he took forever to answer.

I mean is this normal for guys to choke up when you ask them an emotional question. I mean sometimes he even turns red.

Thanks guys!


Posts: 76 | From: Rhode Island | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blackbird
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I don't think it's just a guy thing. I usually get choked up when someone asks me questions about my feelings and I'm a girl. I think it comes out of a fear of the reaction one will get of saying either the wrong thing or rejection of their feelings. I even have a hard time telling some of my friends how I feel about them and hey, they're just my friends. I think that you boyfriend gets the way that he does out of fear of what your reaction is going to be if he did tell you the truth. It isn't anything bad, but it's just a natural fear that he could have.

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Posts: 354 | From: san mateo, california, usa | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SlowCookie
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I'm horrible with expressing my emotions, especially the "nicer" ones. When I'm angry or upset, you'll know it. But otherwise, I keep it quiet. I don't know why I do this since I certainly like hearing good things from friends and family. It's not like I remind myself not to express my feelings, I simply don't do it. It's something I have to work on.

My boyfriend is great about expressing his emotions, especially the pleasant ones. However, I wish that when he's really upset with me or something else, he could at least say something, but he doesn't. He shuts up real quick and calms down. He doesn't get angry often and he'd rather not get angry at all. To him, anger is showing loss of control, in the more positive sense.. if that makes any sense.

We're opposites in the emotions we express most often.


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John Doe
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Of course this is a big generalization, but to a big extent it is a guy thing. Guys are heavilly socialized at an early age against showing emotions, particularly negitive ones. the only acceptable negitive emotion for a boy is anger. A boy who crys on the playground knows that he is dead meat socially unless the is seriously injured. If he cries because he is sad, or has been insulted or his feelings hurt, he will have a hard time living it down. Boys learn to put on a mask, and not let their feeling show, to be the strong silent type. Unfortunately the ones who enforce this most strictly are other boys, but it is also enforced by parents and teachers. In general boys are not allowed to show fellings of hurt, lonliness, fear, insecurity, humiliation or sadness. They are told to be "big boys" and take it like a man. Its not the way it should be, but unfortunatly, that is the way it is. The end result it is devistating for so many boys, reuslting in high rates of drug and alchahol abuse, and of suicide (one of the leading causes of death for teenage boys).
Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
camryn
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donutduchess - my boyfriend is like this too. Sometimes I'll know something is the matter but I still have to probe him about for a few minutes to get an honest response from him. We've been together for years and he's slightly better than when we first started going out but he's still not near as expressive as I'd like him to be. Like John Doe said it is, to a big extent, a socialization issue, and it's difficult to break through that barrier. Keep trying.
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John Doe
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If you are interested in the subject, I suggest you pick up a copy of "The Wonder of Boys" by Michael Gurian, or "Real Boys" I forget the name of the author, but I think its Thompson. Both are available at your nearest B&N or on Amazon.
They do point out that boys generally process emotional information more slowly than girls do (in part becasue a narrowed corpus Calsium, or the bridge between the right and left hemisheres of the brain). Thus is might be a good idea, not to press him for his emotions right after an emotional event has happened, but perhaps a few hours or maybe a day later. Boys are alsosometimes better at expressing emotions when it is depersonalized, sort of talking about how they think others might react to a situation, rather than how they personally feel (even though they may be discribing how they feel, its sometimes easier for us guys to put it in the 3rd person, it sort of distances/intelectualizes it for us, which can make it easier for us to express it. Talking about things when a guy is engaged in another activity will also sometimes allow a guy to open up, say when you are shooting hoops together or even going on a walk.

Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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