Here is the basic question, and I'll give a bit of background in a sec. What can one do to help improve another's sense of self-value and in general self-esteem?

Here is some background. It may give you an idea of why I am asking this.

Basically, every single one of my partner's past significant others have been abusive. In every case they degraded her down to their level and used every method at their disposal to keep her there. She was forced to do drugs with these people, and of course got addicted, and then once they got her feeling attached to them they used her physically and emotionally.

Her last boyfriend (for 2 years) got her so she felt like nothing without him, then threatened to leave if she would not have sex with her, wouldn't let her go out with friends unless he was present, and basically made her life a living hell. Also, he refused to use any protection while having sex with her, so for two years they had unprotected sex almost every day. The odds of her getting pregnant astound me. Basically he treated her like s***, and as a result, that is what she thought she was.

Since then her mother moved out of the area (divorce) and took her away with her. This is where I come in.

When I meet her I of course don't know about this. She has really done a lot to get herself back on track. She is working her tail off in school, and trying to earn back the respect of her mother.

What I am trying to help with right now is the self-worth issue. She really thinks that she isn't worth the air she breathes sometimes.

She still has some lapses into depression and self-mutilation, but those are quite honestly not something I can deal with myself, thats something for a professional psychologist in my opinion.

I can however help her with her self-esteem. I just need a bit of help with the how. Any advice you can give is most appreciated. Feel free to post here or if you want, email me at the address in my signature.

thanks.

~locke

p.s. I could add more, that isn't the half of the story, but this post was getting a bit long, and I don't want to scare anyone off.

From the guidelines ~
"Please note that advertisements or solicitations are inappropriate on this board when posted without permission. For your safety, we advise you not to post personal information, such as full names, phone numbers or email or postal addresses."

Now ... onto your topic

I don't think you mentioned if she really is your partner or not ... ?? Whatever she is to you, she reminds me a lot of me, about a year ago.

It's very important to recognize that she's trying to help herself. It's very hard to pull yourself out of something like that. Harder than anyone can imagine, except those that have been through it, with first hand experience.

You say that you understand her depression and SI issues need to be addressed to a doctor. Does she know this? Is she seeing someone at the moment? If she isn't, it couldnt hurt to suggest it to her. If she doesn't want to, that's fine too, as long as she knows that you support her in her trying to get better. That's important.

As for the self esteem issues, all you can really do is just be there for her. Let her know that you care. Bake her cookies. Tell her she looks good in her new outfit. Take her out to the mall and you can both get a new haircut or something. Sometimes we all just need a change.

Obviously she trusts you, or she wouldn't have let you know this much about her. It's hard admitting to someone that you need help. Let her know that you're there for her and she can call you and see you when she needs to. When she does come to you for help, just listen. Sometimes, it's the only thing we can really do. Give her a shoulder to cry on.

Lastly, you're not scaring anyone. Really. These boards are here for a reason, sweetie.

(The email addy I use on the net is actually not my true email address, its a redirect that bounces around a bit before it gets to me. I don't mind anyone having it because I can change it on a whim, but I removed it to comply with policy =] )

She is my partner. We have been together for around 5 months now, but we didn't really hook up as Bf/Gf until around 3 months ago (long story, some other time =])

Unfortunately her attempts at working with psychiatrists have been less than productive. They have basically told her she will never be able to really get over her issues, but this magic pill will make it all better (Zoloft; the make you happy then knock you out drug). Not really supportive at all. And as a result she doesn't want to go back to that right now. I have told her I am willing to help her when she does decide she is willing to give it another shot (Rides, financial help as possible/needed) and so forth.

Thanks, it feels good just to release and voice it a bit. I appreciate it. Its good to hear from someone who has been through it, that it can get better.

~locke

Graduate from school or university. Do some rock-climbing. Set a goal and meet it. Whatever - she needs to show herself she has self-value. It doesn't matter what she feels is achievement, I'd say she just needs something that lets her say "Yes! I kick *** !"

To be honest, I don't think there's much you can do to improve her self-image...except encouragement.

It helped me, anyway.

Guess what? I'm also currently on Zoloft. I've been having problems with it, so i'm in the process of getting my meds switched. It's not easy, but it can be done.

I would say that she needs to find a new doctor. Maybe she doesn't work well w/ doctors. But it's not only doctors that she can work with. I've had a social worker (sort of like a therapist w/ special powers) since i got out of the hospital, and i choose her (there were two, really) over any doctor. I just seem to have something against them. Granted, she can't write a prescription for me, but for that i see the psychiatrist. It really is worth a shot ... Talk to her about it.

Also, i have an article up right now, on scarleteen, about my battle w/ depression, amongst other things. I think you should read it ... and maybe let her read it ... if not only to let her know that she's not alone. (Clickie here !!)

I defineatly agree w/ ThisGuy, here, as well. She needs something to get her self confidence up, b/c it defineately does take a beating when you're told time and time again that you're sick ... through no fault of your own, of course. Maybe you two could take a CPR course (always useful), start karate classes (or some other physical activity, endorphins are your friend) or volunteer at a youth shelter or something. Just something to get her feeling good about herself again.

Thx for removing your email addy We're not trying to be hairy scary monsters, it really is for your own protection (even tho you seem to be a big boy that can take care of himself) ...

My only other idea is to make sure that she feels like she has a measure of control in your relationship, that might help. Since her last boyfriend tried to control her actions and her life, giving that back would probably be a good thing. Not that you would try to control her anyway, but sometimes showing your trust in another person will do wonders in building their self esteem. So let her plan special dates sometimes, maybe let her order for you at dinner, stuff like that...and then tell her how well she chose and how well it all worked out.

~KittenGoddess

But I feel what is important is as Milke said, to let her know why you love her. Why she is so wonderful.

Of course, don't suger coat it but be sincere. Let her know what is so special about her. And don't get frustrated if she doesn't believe you.

Her self-esteem has been shattered, literally. And it is going to take alot to have her believe in herself again. So patience is really important here.

Self-mutilation is just another way for some people to release the many emotions in them. Just like how I eat chocolate, some people self-mutilate. If she hurts herself, make sure she is safe.

And yes, she definitely sounds like she needs a better psychiatrist who will tell her more than just to pop her magic pill. Medication does help but counselling is so much more than that.