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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SHOP TALK » Article Questions & Chat » New: From OW! to Wow

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Author Topic: New: From OW! to Wow
Heather
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At least once every couple of days, a woman posts or writes into Scarleteen reporting that vaginal entry -- usually heterosexual intercourse or manual vaginal sex ("fingering"), and usually (but not always) with male partners -- is painful, uncomfortable, or unfulfilling for them. Sadly, many young women report having painful intercourse or other vaginal sex again and again, many without even saying anything about it to their partners. In fact, plenty of women of all ages simply assume intercourse is going to be, or has to be, painful or uncomfortable -- some for the first few times, others that it simply always is to some degree.

Whatever sort of vaginal entry we're talking about -- with fingers, a penis or a dildo, with partners of any gender -- not only doesn't have to be painful, it really shouldn't be. More than that, any kind of sex shouldn't be about a lack of pain, but about the presence of pleasure.

Are you (or is your partner) experiencing vaginal pain during sex? Then read on, while we look at the most common culprits and talk about how to identify, address, process and be rid of them, and help make vaginal stimulus a big "Wow," instead of a big "Ow."


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Ellen
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I have been having so so many problems the past few months with my boyfriend, and sex has become a chore and an obligation, I've nearly gone off the idea of sexual activity altogether.

This article has really helped change how I think, and will hopefully change my life for the better. I shouldn't be pressured to have sex whenever my boyfriend wants, and I think I need to have more confidence in myself about eventually finding someone else, and for now admitting to myself and telling my boyfriend honestly that I can't date him anymore.

Thanks for the help, this article has come when I really needed it.

Ellen xxx


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Heather
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Nope, you really shouldn't. That's part of what masturbation is for: when we want sex but our partner does not. And if a turned off, uninterested partner is still appealing, it's a big warning sign your partner isn't really seeing you as a person, but as an object.

I'm glad this helped you out: good luck making a better life for yourself!


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silverspring18
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All of those points are very valid, but another cause for pain can be a thick or imperforate hymen, which I have, and I'm going to have to have surgery for it. There isn't a lot of information about this problem out there, and a lot of doctors aren't very knowledeable about it. Sites like yours need to include this information so that girls with this problem won't feel like they're alone.
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Heather
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We talk about that in many places on this site, actually.

Including right in the first few paragraphs of that article.


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normalasylum
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Wow, this is the first time I've visited the site and the first article I've read, but I agree with everything you said in this article and I want to thank you for making this site and putting these ideas out there for others. I can't wait to read more!
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Pandora
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Wow, as a male I have to give a thumbs up for the blue box reminding us about the tightness myth. Almost every story or glamorized account of sex you read will have tightness as a huge issue. Almost every account will also have the bloody rupture of the hymen as a 'perk', so clearly it's hard for a nonsexer to get the real story straight. Add to that the need of tightness for em... hand techniques, and you've got one confused boy.
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fromEurope
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thank you for this great article. It's exactly what I was looking for today! I've been having exactly this kind of problem, and I've been confused trying to understand its causes and reasons. Your article has given me lots to think about and to talk about with my boyfriend.
By the way, this website is great! ever since I've been sexually active I've been reading it and finding useful advice and ideas. These are things that unfortunately nobody ever tells us, and they are so important! I think that, in our society, there is a big need for a lot more sincere communication on sexuality. So many wrong messages being passed on every day! it's really hard to get things right, I mean, to understand what feels right to us. Your website really helps. Thank you.

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sugar128
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Hi
I think its a great article but I have this problem: my partner's really shy and when I tell him to go slower or do things to let him know he stops alltogether, even kissing me, because he feels embarassed. How can I explain to him that I want him to keep going on with what he was doing but nothing else, not yet anyways, without him stopping everything?. It's really frustrating and it's starting to become an issue in my relationship with him. I think I'm not the only one who finds it hard to find nice ways to tell my partner so I think a "ways to tell him without stopping all the action" or "ways to distract him for a while" part would reaaaaaaaaaaaaally be a huge help.

I would also like to ask you it you've considered translating the page to spanish since due to the high levels of sexism in latino communities it would help a lot of people. I can help you guys if you want!


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Heather
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With a shy partner, sugar, it usually just takes a lot of time. Someone socially apprehensive generally just needs more time to get comfortable with sexual communication. Justletting him know that he can say same to you might help, as might telling him that there's no need to be embarassed and you're okay with taking the time to let him get used to/comfortable with this.

We would LOVE to translate a bunch of our basic articles into Spanish for the record: to do that well and accurately, though, we realy need more than one translator. I'm a decent enough reader of Spanish that I can eyeball a piece and get the gist, but for us to be comfortable with a translation, we'd really need to find an additional Spanish reader/translator who is also a sex educator, since mistakes with some of this information could be flatly dangerous.

But if you want to email me your contact information in case we can find a couple more translators, that'd be great. Thanks for the offer!


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:)
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U GUYS R SUCH INTELLIGENT WRITERS.
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Peaches44
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Okay so, is it uncommon for a woman's vagina to feel a little "raw" (for lack of a better word) from the friction of sex? I know that I'm not having trouble with arousal because I generally have an orgasm before penis-in-vagina sex and we ALWAYS use plenty of lube so there really isn't too much "bad friction" but sometimes it just feels a little rubbed too much. It doesn't hurt while the action is still going but for instance, if we took a breather for a little while and he tried to re-enter it might hurt a bit when he was trying to get in but then not afterwards. It's kinda sore the next day too, only when something come in contact with the area though (like toilet paper). Should this be something I should work to try and fix?? If so, any ideas for how I should fix it??
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Gumdrop Girl
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Rawness is not uncommon. But you should not encourage it. If you think you're using plenty of lube, but you feel raw anyway, you're NOT using enough. Either switch to a different brand of water-based lube, or keep applying the stuff during sex.

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vifive255
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This article is really great and it did helped me to clear many of my questions which were just there in my mind.I really agree with you.If we are just not in the mood , our boyfriends should not force us and they can masturbate , if the need arises.
Well , i am highly convinced with whatever quoted in this article.
Thanks A lot ,

quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
At least once every couple of days, a woman posts or writes into Scarleteen reporting that vaginal entry -- usually heterosexual intercourse or manual vaginal sex ("fingering"), and usually (but not always) with male partners -- is painful, uncomfortable, or unfulfilling for them. Sadly, many young women report having painful intercourse or other vaginal sex again and again, many without even saying anything about it to their partners. In fact, plenty of women of all ages simply assume intercourse is going to be, or has to be, painful or uncomfortable -- some for the first few times, others that it simply always is to some degree.

Whatever sort of vaginal entry we're talking about -- with fingers, a penis or a dildo, with partners of any gender -- not only doesn't have to be painful, it really shouldn't be. More than that, any kind of sex shouldn't be about a lack of pain, but about the presence of pleasure.

Are you (or is your partner) experiencing vaginal pain during sex? Then read on, while we look at the most common culprits and talk about how to identify, address, process and be rid of them, and help make vaginal stimulus a big "Wow," instead of a big "Ow."



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radish
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ah, this article. thank you. just what i was looking for.

although i am wondering where i might find more information on particularly thick hymens. i am wondering if this is my problem. i know i need to go to a doctor and have it checked out, but my parents are forming quite a road-block. i am 18, i can do it on my own. but i don't know how to keep them from finding out. they most certainly would not approve.


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Heather
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Well, have you had any issues at all with menstrual flow being blocked? With tampon use? Insertion of a finger?

During your annual pelvic exams, has the speculum been an issue?

If you haven't ever had a pelvic, you need one at your age regardless, every year now. So that's the easiest place to start as a gynecologist can tell you easily if you have a particularly resilient hymen.

Just FYI? That is relatively rare, so usually, it is NOT the problem.


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radish
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Yeah, i understand that it is rare. i guess i would just like to rule it out.

i haven't had any problems with menstrual flow, but inserting anything is a little difficult and always painful. in fact, i have fainted, or nearly fainted every time i've tryed using a tampon, which is a little scary. this is mostly what i am going off of.

i have never had any sort of pelvic/gynecological exam. i know i need to, i'm just afraid of taking this up with my parents. i suppose it's best i just gather the nerve and confront them about it anyway.

thanks so much for the reply!


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ErinK
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Even women who aren't sexually active should have annual reproductive exams -- breast cancer, cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, ovarian cysts, and other problems are a risk for all women, and annual exams help to detect and prevent those. There's the added benefit of being able to discuss birth control and other sexual issues, but just for your own continued good health, it's a good idea to have an annual exam. Your mom probably knows this, too.
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little lion
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What about Ruff Sex? (not shour if this is the right topic but, i can seem to find a better place to ask so...)

I am 16 and my boyfriend is turning 19 we have only been together for a mouth, but i have always known that he is into ruff sex, he stresses to me that he is really dirty sexually. He would never do anything that would hurt me but i am afraid that even though that is true that he is just not use to being with someone less experienced than him. So what if i want to have sex but i do not want to have the kind of ruff sex he is use to having; how do i tell him and keep him from diverting back to well...bloody sex? I am not saying that i am going to go out and have sex right away but if it comes down to it; i would feel better if i know how to keep him from having ruff sex, because he would be devastated if he hurt me.


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Heather
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What does he mean by that?

If by that, he means having sex in such a way that it is painful to you, you simply say that it is painful to you. Sometimes, for some women, more aggressive intercourse or manual sex CAN feel good, but not always, and not for all women.

And if what he wants for himself is rougher than is comfortable for you, then you two can find ways to find activities which work in that regard: perhaps masturbating HIM roughly, for instance, if that feels good for him.

Personally, I'd ask him to be a lot more specific about what exactly he's talking about.


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lachica
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so, i have been married for about 8 months now and still have not been able to acheive sexual intercourse...i am just about to break down or lose my mind because i am pretty sure i have vaginismus but my husband is having a hard time understanding and there are no sex specialists in our area. i am trying to fix the problem myself but i am under so much pressure to fix myself that nothing helps... my husband and i dated for a couple of years before the wedding. however, i lived in a home where sex was out of the question. he is not a virgin and he just wants me to get over this...i need help and fast!!!
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Heather
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Know what?

He needs to chill the heck out. The pressure here is ikely half your problem. So, first of all, you need to make clear to him that "fast" is likely not how this will work, and he needs to deal with that. You're a person, not a jukebox, for crying out loud.

You don't likely need a sex specialist: a standard gynecologist -- even a GP who does GYN exams -- can tell you if you have vaginismus or not.

Do you use tampons without problems? Any insertion of fingers on your own during masturbation?


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lachica
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actually i tried twice to be examined and both attempts were unsuccessful. two different doctors confirmed my guess that vaginismus was the problem. i have never been able to use a tampon...when i try things of this sort...it's like i have no vaginal opening...i'm guessing this is tightness at its worst.
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Heather
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If you have had two diagnoses of vaginisums, then it's safe to say, that's what you've got going on.

Which means NO further attempts at intercourse by your partner until you start therapy for it, as that's likely to worsen the condition: often, vaginal dilators are the most common therapy, and again, this is something a GYN can do. Did either talk to you about this?


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lachica
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i have tried this but have had no success
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Heather
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Okay...and what did your doctor suggest, then?
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lachica
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i think my doctor doesn't even know where to go from here
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Heather
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Okay, then you need a better gynecologist: a decent GYN would not simply leave things dangling that way. If he or she felt out of their scope, they'd refer you to someone who was not, not just say nothing or toss up their hands.

Again, you don't need a "sex specialist." This isn't about sex, per se, it's about your body, as it is.


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DropsieMcMoppet
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Thank you so much for this information. I really needed it.
Love,
Hayley Jane

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HayleyJane.Com -Broadway Punk, Goth Pop...I have no genre.

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elliebean
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nervousness is mentioned in the article as a potential problem, and i think that's probably my biggest issue, but the thing is, i don't know why i'm nervous. i'm very comfortable with my boyfriend, who is very good to me and is more likely to, i don't know, win the lottery than he is to hurt me in any way. i can feel my muscles tense up, and even when i focus on relaxing them, a finger (or tampon, for that matter) presents a problem. any suggestions?
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