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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » Was it sexual assualt?

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Author Topic: Was it sexual assualt?
Member # 95410

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I'm feeling really confused about this situation. Me and my boyfriend have been having sex for about a year now. I enjoy it almost all of the time. Except for a few months ago he started trying to convince me to have anal sex with him. I kept telling him I wasnt sure and that I didnt want to do it. He kept pushing the subject, he told me that I needed to give it a chance and that a lot of other girls really like it he also asked me how I know I don't like it if I dont try it. I have never been interested in doing it. Eventually he was asking so much that I gave in. It really hurt and I said that and I also told him that I didnt like it during the sex. He kept going. Afterwards he felt bad and he apologized but then ever since he keeps doing the same things. I keep saying it hurts and I dont want to but he just keeps bugging untill I give in and let him do it. I basically tell him to shut up and just do it. We dont even talk during it. Then when its over he is sorry and says we will never do it again. Then he does it again. Is that rape? I mean I'm not activly saying no but I never once said yes. Can a boyfriend even rape his girlfriend? I really dislike it and I dont want to do it anymore. I really dont know what to do. Do you know if this is considered sexual assualt or even any ideas on what I should do?

Thank you

Posts: 1 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Welcome to Scarleteen, Young Feminist. I'm so sorry you have been going through this.

Let's just sort something out first: any person, in any relationship to someone else, can rape them. Boyfriends, fathers, husbands -- no one has a right to someone else's body for sex without their express consent ever. And, in fact, the majority of rapes aren't committed by strangers. In most rapes and sexual abuses, the person committing them is usually known to the victim, and often is an intimate partner, friend or relative.

What you're describing here is being coerced into sex: you said no, but your boyfriend would not let up, wearing you down over time until you stopped saying no, probably because it was clear to you he obviously wasn't going to accept your no. given that he would not just say, "Okay, if you ever change your mind, let me know," or something like that. [Frown]

This is a sexually abusive relationship that you're in, by all common definitions, and sex keeps happening without your consent, which is abuse.

Just to keep you updated, the federal/FBI definition of rape right now, is: "The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim." This all gets a bit iffy when someone wears the other person down until they DO consent, but not that iffy. Doing that is still recognized as sexual abuse, and someone telling someone else no, or stop, or ow, stop, and then having them do what they're doing anyway is very clear lack of consent.

It's not at all likely this will stop: obviously, you have a long time seeing this person doesn't respect your boundaries and isn't interested in a healthy, consensual sexual relationship. So, to be frank, the way to make this stop is to stop being in relationship with this person, especially intimately or sexually. And, moving forward, anytime we say no to sex to someone and they don't take no, be that by forcing physical contact or trying to talk us out of our no, our best bet isn't to keep sticking around them: we want to get away and stay away, because they're making clear they're not safe.

[ 03-28-2012, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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