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Author Topic: can someone help me, please?
lulumartinez
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just surfing the internet for answers, even though that is probably a real stupid thing to do, i just don't know where else to go and your website came up.

i took a test last friday and it said i was pregnant. i took another one on sunday and it said the same thing. i haven't had my period for nearly 2 and 1/2 months. i know i should have realized before but i just didn't.

the thing is, i have been having a lot of sex with a lot of different people. i had sex 2 months ago because i really wanted some dope and i ran out of money. and now i can't stop crying because i probably fucked this baby up if it's there. i don't feel pregnant, but i guess i am. i stopped everything a week ago when i found out - not dope, drinking... nothin. i just am so scared because i don't know what to do when i'm pregnant and i don't have a place or money or nothing. i am soooo scared. i don't know what i am supposed to do?! please, please help me. i'm so scared. i need help! thank you for listening and helping me. i really, really need it. thank you.

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Heather
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Hey, lulu, I'm sorry you've found yourself in this spot and are feeling so scared. But we're happy to talk and support you through it.

So, since you already know you're pregnant, the next step here is to figure out what choices you want to make around that, starting with if you want to remain pregnant and then parent or arrange an adoption, or terminate your pregnancy.

It also sounds like even besides this pregnancy, you've been in a pretty bad way in terms of housing, what sounds like sex in exchange for drugs to use, financial dire straits and, I'm betting, being pretty isolated. We can talk about all of those things too, if you like, and see what resources we can help you get connected to, also, to help you turn things around here so your life feels a lot less scary.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lulumartinez
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i dont know what im supposed to do. i cant be a mom. I don't know how or anything. but than i feel like i got this little thing inside of me and it's a real baby and i did that - and i don't know what to do for it cause i can't do nothing for it. i feel so sad for this little baby inside of me. but i don't know how to take good care of it or keep it safe.

i got enough. i just not working or nothing cause i havent been living right. i been staying with mikey, hes my brother. he isn't all that good so sometimes i stay at the gospel mission cause they got free beds - but that's why I can't have a baby cause I shouldn't be given a helpless thing like that cause I can't help it. do you think that this baby's hurt cause I been shootin and smoking? i don't want a baby hurting like that cause of me.

thank you for answering me. i still am scared but at least I got someone here who knows.

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Heather
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I'm heading to bed in a bit, so I'm afraid we'll have to pick this up in the morning (or, you can talk to any of the volunteers who come around).

But to get you started, we can't know what the status of your fetus is right now, save knowing that for sure, narcotic use certainly can pose serious risks to both of your health. But that is something an OB/GYN could talk with you about if you want to consider remaining pregnant and taking this pregnancy to term.

I hear you saying that you feel like parenting isn't doable for you: do you want to talk more about that as a possibility or do you want to talk about your other options? Let me know, and I can pick this up in the morning.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just FYI, I'm around whenever you are, so just give a shout if you come around and want to talk.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lulumartinez
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i am going to go to sleep real soon. I don't know what my options are. i mean, i know but i just don't know what is good. is it ok to take a baby away cause i can't take care of it? i don't wanna kill a baby, cause it is my fault it's here. but what am i supposed to do? is that ok? i am so so sorry but i just can not have a baby. or what am i supposed to do?

please tell me. i know you can't but i jus don't know what is good inside me and what is bad and i just dunno what to do that is good for a baby.

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Heather
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What choice is the right choice for a given person with a given pregnancy is individual and unique, but all of your available choices -- parenting, adoption or abortion -- can be right choices. And abortion isn't killing babies. It's terminating a pregnancy before there's a baby.

I hear you being pretty clear with your feelings that whole you're not feeling good about any of your choices, the option of having a kid is the one you think is the worst of those choices for you: the one you'd feel the least good about. And that's okay, you get to feel that way.

Since, however, you have been pregnant for a while now, the clock is really ticking all around, so while I'd be happy to talk more with you -- and we can do that, too -- I think you should probably get in to see someone who can do options counseling with you in person so you can get to your choice fast while you still have all your options within reach, okay?

Abortion providers are pro-choice people, meaning they can talk you through all of your options without pressuring or wanting you to make any given choice. They also often provide options counseling for free.

I'd suggest you call into your local Planned Parenthood about this and see if you can't get in to see them today or Monday. They're at:

Margaret Sanger Health Center
2255 N. Wyatt Dr.
Tucson, AZ 85712
Phone: 520.408.7526

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lulumartinez
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thank you for letting me know where they at. i called em, but they are not open. and i think where that is, is 30 minutes away. i can't get there and there isn't no bus or nothing that goes there. can i go somewhere else?

how long do i have if i want to get an abortion? thank you for tellin me that they don't kill a baby, just what could be a baby. that makes me feel better, but still sad.

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Heather
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Unfortunately, you're in a state where politics have clearly really limited both women's health services in general, and abortion services even more so. That's the closest provider I can find for you to get that options counseling. If you decide to choose to terminate your pregnancy, unfortunately we may have to look even further away, as Planned Parenthood locations usually only offer terminations up to 13 weeks.

But that's a bridge we can cross if and when we get there, and if we do, I can help you with that, including helping you connect with possible help and funds to make it doable for you.

How long you have in the whole United States is up to what we call the point of viability, the point where a fetus could survive outside of your body. That's no exact number of weeks with that, but in the country, the latest a provider goes to with elective (by choice, not because a doctor says it has to happen for your health, or because a fetus is stillborn) is around 26 weeks.

But let's still see about getting you to that Planned Parenthood so you can talk to someone about your options in person and know what your choices are in your state, okay?

Are you sure there's no bus route that goes anywhere close? Either way, I'd call them Monday morning and ask. Since it sounds like you're often homeless or transient, they may even be able to help with a travel voucher for a cab: some clinics can and do do that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just FYI, I just read their abortion services page, and they provide terminations for up to 20 weeks, so sounds like if that's something you decided you wanted to do, you could still be within that window easily.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lulumartinez
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i will try and call on monday. i dunno if i will be able to, but i'll try. what am i supposed to say?

i think that i need to not have this baby anymore. i did a lot of thinkin today and everyday seems to just be getting harder. i feel like this thing is growing and becoming something and i don't want it to be something, cause i don't want it to be alive where i'm at. does that make sense? i'm scared - not for me, but for this baby. i'm real scared - and i don't want it to be here anymore. is that bad? mikey says that i shouldn't have no baby, cause i been being bad for him. his buddy has a place, and when they in the basement i can use the computer. but i think maybe i should leave. i don't know. what do you think? i know you duno me but i just real confused and scared.

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Heather
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I'm sorry that it seems like we're here at different times, lulu. All the same, I'm happy to keep talking with you.

I don't think any of how you're feeling is bad, and I understand feeling scared. Unintended pregnancy can be really scary, and obviously all the more so if and when the circumstances of our lives are also scary and we're in really rough places, which it certainly sounds like you have been.

I also don't think that whatever choice it turns out you make with this is bad, including if that choice is abortion. I don't think that choice is any better or worse than any other: with all of these choices, it's just about what we feel and decide is most right for us and a potential kid.

In terms of calling Planned Paretnhood Monday, I'd call as soon as you can Monday morning. If what you want is to talk about your options to get help making a decision, you'll ask if they can give you an options counseling appointment.

If, at this point, you feel pretty certain or totally certain you want an abortion, you can make an appointment for that directly, but if that's what you want to do, when you have that appointment, payment for the abortion is going to have to be given, so we should talk about that in advance since it sounds like that's going to be an issue for you. There are some ways to get some funds for abortions, and I can walk you through that, but a patient will usually have to pay for some of the procedure on their own.

Just in case you come back online today and want to talk more, I'll check in a few times again. I'm mostly going to be away from Scarleteen today, but I'll check in just in case.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just checking in with you, lulu, to see if you need anything.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lulumartinez
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hi. i went to the planned parenthood today. i was late for my appointment because i didn't realize how far away the bus stop was and i missed it. the lady still saw me though, which was very kind. it was kinda scary cause i never been to a place like that before. i thought i'd have to pay but they didn't make me.

she talked to me a lot about all the things i could do. she told me what you said, that the right thing has got to be the right thing for me. she said i didnt have to choose right now, but i have to think about all my options and deide soon cause the longer i wait the harder it will be to not have a baby.

she was very kind and helped me very much, but i still dont now what to do. she talked to me about how i'd take care of a kid - and that just don't seem possible at all. i told her how sad i was that i be doing this stuff, and she told me that she cant be sure but the stuff i been doing could really hurt a baby. i told her i new, and she asked if i think i could stop for a baby. i think i could, but i couldnt stop forever cause thats how i live which i don't think she understood too well.

i think i should probably not have this child. i dont think i'll ever feel real good bout it, but i feel better bout that then bringing a baby into this world - cause that just seem worse for the both of us. she says i need to call and i'll have to listen to this thing a day before i have an abortion. the next day i can come and they'll check me out and do the abortion. thats two more times i'd have to go there and thats real hard, which i dont think she understands either.

well, so what do you think? i know i just got help but i dont feel helped cause i still dunno what i be doing. i don't feel to good, and i didnt want to tell tha lady. i dunno why. i'm scared, and everyone else just living and workin and doing all the same shit, while i still be scared. i be hurting a lot, and i dont know what to do. going today made everything seem so real and scary, dos that make sense?

thank you very much for being heree. im sorry to bother you with suh a long thing ause i now hyou got a job and are real busy.

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Heather
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lulu: this is part of my job, so I'm happy to take all the time you need. You're not bothering me in the slightest, no worries. Just sorry again that we seem to be on opposite schedules!

All of how you're feeling and what you're thinking makes sense to me. And for sure, when any of our choices seem or feel more tangible, they can feel different than when they were less real.

Maybe it would be helpful for us to talk a little about all the things you're feeling scared of? If so, how about we start with the choice, of all your options, you feel MOST good about -- whichever that is right now -- and anything that scares you about that?

(And I understand: getting back and forth to clinics when you've no money or transportation is very hard. But if you do decide abortion is what you want to do, we can talk more about possible options to help you with funding that which can potentially include help with transportation costs.)

[ 03-20-2012, 12:04 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lulumartinez
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please do not apologize ms heather.

i was gone at the mission late last night and they let me stay during the day if i help ronnie in the kitchen. i did. i got to talking with ms nancy and I told her ive been pregnant. she asked me what im going to be doing and i told her about not being pregnant no more. i told her bout what you said, bout it not being a baby yet. she said that is jibbershit and id be real selfish to do that. i sure hope she isnt right.

i think I feel the most good about not having a baby inside me anymore. i don't know if I could do it cause it makes the bottom of my stomach hurt to bad and my heart or my head feels sad. you ever feel like that? i really don't know. i don't want to now. i want it all to just fade away!!

thank you very very much. i will not be on a computer tomorrow unless i go to a library in the morning.

[ 03-20-2012, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: lulumartinez ]

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Heather
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lulu: when most pregnant people make decisions about a pregnancy, they are not just thinking of themselves, but also about a potential kid. I heard you talking about how you're worried about bringing a kid into your life as it stands, without a home, and when you know you have a drug dependency you haven't been able to kick. That doesn't sound selfish to me: that sounds like someone thinking of the well-being of a potential child in a real way.

At the same time, it's also important people DO think of themselves, too: this is also about your life, what you can and can't handle, do and don't want. You need to also think about that with these choices, we all do.

Your pregnancy isn't at all likely to just go away, so you do need to make a choice with it, and soon. If you are going to go ahead and have an abortion, you'll need to arrange that sooner rather than later, especially since it gets more expensive as time goes on. If you are going to choose to stay pregnant, you need prenatal care ASAP, too, and need to make some lifestyle changes pretty fast to do what you can at this point to protect the health of the fetus and yourself. You will also need to start other making arrangements around that.

I know that ticking clock sucks and that these decisions are hard to make, and sometimes painful no matter what, but it's got to happen.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Btw, lulu, in case you do get to a computer today, you might find going through this options workbook helpful to you: http://www.pregnancyoptions.info/

It's something I've used with options counseling a lot over the years, which every person I've used it with has said has been very helpful for them.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lulumartinez
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i went back today to that place. a lot of things happened and i feel scared because i think i'm going to be in trouble.

this lady talked to me for a long time and looked at my body. she says that i have got a lot of damage down there and i might need to go to a doctor who can help me. it doesn't hurt i don't think - so i don't really want to go to a doctor. they took my blood and did tests and looked at the thing inside me. the lady was real nice but she talked for a long time and asked me a lot of questions that made me feel not good. i feel like i am going to be in trouble for some reason - you know, that icky gross feeling in your stomach?

i think i am glad that i had the abortion. it didn't hurt very much, and the doctor lady helped me feel not so bad about it. i think it was the right thing to do, for me and for what could have been a baby. it made me sad though, i keep thinking of a baby being sucked out of me and dying. i know thats not what happened but it makes me feel so sad. i am kind of crampy, the doc said this was normal and guess what? she had someone drive me so i didnt have to walk. it was very nice of her.

i hope i did a good thing. i feel not so scared, but i also feel very sad. is that normal? am i supposed to just feel good? do you think i did a good thing?

i am supposed to go see this doctor helper person next week. that lady got it all set up and she said it would be free. i'm not sure if i want to go though, because when she was talking to me today i did not feel like it was a good idea.

thank you for helping me do this. i wouldnt know where to go without you, so i appreciate you very much.

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Robin Lee
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It is totally understandable and normal to feel whatever feelings you're feeling right now, including sadness. You've been through a lot and this is a big thing that happened. It seems contradictory I know, but it really does make sense that even though you know ihis was the right thing for you, you would feel sad about it.

I strongly encourage you to go see the doctor next week. I know it feels scary and uncomfortable, but your health is really important and taking care of things right now can help you prevent further problems down the road.

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Robin

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lulumartinez
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i am so tired, and i don't know what to do anymore... so i'm here cause i don't know where the hell else to go.

i feel so alone. i kinda wish i had that baby inside of me still. that's selfish, but it's also true and i'm too tired not to be real with you.

have you ever felt like you got nowhere to go? i look around me and i see so much ugly shit. but than i look harder and it's so beautiful. everything is so beautiful, and all i want to do is take hold of all that good stuff and keep it inside of me always. but every where i go the bad shit is just eating me and it's so scary. i'm so scared, and the only way i know how to not be like that is use or die. i don't want to die, so i use. but i got no money left and that means i going to be in trouble from mikey and i dont want to live like that no more.

but i get like this sometimes and decide i can't do this like this no more, but than theres nothing i can do so i go right back to where i was at. i am so ******* tired of living like this. does anyone give a fuk? no, they dont. they pass by me like im shit to them, and thye dont know nothing.

i'm sorry. this int what this is for, but i feel so so angry and scared and tired... but there isnt no way not to feel like that. do you ever feel like that? just all boxed up and not able to get out? can you help me? is there something you an do for me? if not, thats okay. its not your job to. but if there is, id really like that too.

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Heather
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Hey, lulu. I;m glad to hear you had a good experience at the clinic. As I'm sure the staff there also told you, it's really common to have a whole range of feelings we go through after the end of pregnancy, no matter how it ends, and/or after abortion.

And by all means, no reason to ever not be real here. Whatever you're feeling, it's okay to feel.

Of course, you've also had, clearly, a lot of other things on your plate for a while, too, and struggling with them is certainly understandable. Like I said when you first posted, we'd be happy to help you with these other things as best we can.

Personally, I have felt like I had nowhere to go at times in my life and, like you, the times I felt like that usually also happened to be times that was true: when I really didn't have anywhere to go; a place to call home. I haven't been through a drug dependency in my life (I mean, I have, but I think we can probably agree that cigarettes are a far cry from shooting or snorting narcotics). It sounds like you've got a mix right now of both feeling like you've nowhere to go and feeling stuck, all at the same time, which has got to be a really uncomfortable combination.

We can certainly talk more about that, and if you also want to get some help finding some services where you might be able to get help, I'm happy to help you look for those, too.

One thing I've seen over the years around abortion, by the way, is that it often turns out to be an event that kind of cultivates change for a lot of people. In other words, it's often one of those things where the whole situation around an unintended pregnancy, then making a choice, seems to get a lot of people really aware of everything going on in their life and the things they want to change.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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