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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » I've been a bad girl!

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Author Topic: I've been a bad girl!
Ste-Funnie
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I owe a thousand apologies! I wanna say I'm sorry for so many things in the past! Even things I don't have to be sorry for! I just need to get it out of my system!

I'm sorry I watched porn when you told me not to! I'm sorry I liked someone who is older than me! I'm sorry I hugged guys in 7th grade when you said not to! I'm sorry I made out at 14! I'm sorry for disobeying you! I'm sorry I didn't clean the cat litter when I was supposed to! I'm sorry I didn't close the cabinets when I was done w/ them! I'm sorry I snuck off for things behind your back! I'm sorry I lied and wasn't honest with you.

Friends in school; I'm sorry I sexually harassed you! I'm sorry I touched you when you asked me not to! I'm sorry for eavesdropping into your business! I'm sorry for being so autistic and having symptoms!

Family; I'm sorry for always repeating myself! I'm sorry that I'm not funny anymore and only the first time!

I hate myself! Sometimes I think it would've been better if my uncle didn't save my life when my mom gave birth to me! Or if I died of athsma as a baby! Everything! I'm not worth it!

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pumpkin_Pie
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Ste-funnie,

It seems that you're feeling a lot of guilt and sorrow and mixed emotions at the moment, and I'm sorry that you are.

Is there a specific question in this post for us?

I want to remind you that this section is for emergencies and crises - it's not for general posts. If you could try and respect that that'd be great.

Thanks!
Rebecca

Posts: 896 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
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General posts? Look, this isn't "general". This is an emergency. And it ain't general b/c I don't "generally" feel this way.

Also why does there always have to be a question? One question is, what should I do?

The point of this post was to get it out of my system and I thought this sight was for that too. But my question is, what should I do?

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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If you feel at risk of harming yourself in any way, tell your parent or call 911 or the national suicide hotline at: 1-800-SUICIDE.

If these feelings of hating yourself and feeling "bad" are big enough to feel like an emergency, but aren't something where you feel you're in danger of harming yourself, then your next best step is to seek out therapy for these feelings, which I think is a good idea for you based on a bunch of your posts, not just this one.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Stephanie_1
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(Heather addressed the first part)

Per the post, sorry for the misunderstanding but yes, it did look like a general post. Certainly the boards are also for getting things out of your system, but not this area (this area is for people that want staff and volunteer responses to something, and thus there needs to be a question attached with it).

[ 01-09-2011, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Ste-Funnie
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#1, I'm not suicidal. #2, I told you I have therapy. Only I dont feel this way when I go. This isn't general. I don't usually post this. Plus, I wasn;t exactly sure where I was supposed to put this topic. I had to put it someplace.

Also, Heather, when you said to tell my mom, well, it's too dangerous to tell her. a) b/c She doesn't like it when I bring up the past b) She won't understand. And there's a difference between hating yourself and wanting to kill yourself. In fact, there are lots of people I hate, but I never even attempt to kill them. I know I said I wish I died as a baby but that's just a wish. If my mom had any kind of hint that I was suicidal, she wouldn't leave me alone anymore. So if I explain this, she'll think I'm suicidal. So is there any other advice you have?

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think if you don't bring these feelings up in therapy, you need to make a note to bring them up next time.

You could even just print out what you wrote and bring it to your therapist. You can also talk to your therapist about feeling unable to talk to your mother about these feelings. The therapist may be able to facilitate some sessions which include your mother to help with that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68255 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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