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Author Topic: i guess i just need support
hs123
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So about... 8 week ago i think... i was showering with my boyfriend and his penis touched me (for a pretty lengthy amount of time)... and for the past few days now, I've been nauseous, felt bloated, had headaches, woken up in the middle of the night with cravings for chocolate and i can't go back to sleep if i don't eat, had really really really bad indigestion, had bad lower back pain and muscle cramps, and gained a few pounds... and been extremely unable to hold in my pee... i'm really worried that i might be pregnany- even though i feel like it might be impossible since i'm on birth control (depo- provera) which i feel like really good- and it was in the shower! and it only touched me- which i really remember being on my mons- which under running water would be like impossible to actually have semen get to my vagina...

and i dont have any money in my account to buy a pregnancy test and i'm really scared to tell my boyfriend because i'm worried he'll be upset with me (even though I know he probably won't be) but I'm scared to tell him because if i am pregnant i know he'll want me to get an abortion- and even though I'll probably end up wanting to have an abortion anyways IF i am, i know i'll feel bad in the long run if I let him make the decision for me- which i don't think he will, but I'm worried he will.

i'm so nauseated...

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September
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First of all, relax. Seriously.

Do you have any sort of a regular period? If so, have you had one since the shower incident? If you have, then you are not pregnant.

Secondly, even with typical use, Depo still has a failure rate of only about 3%, so the chances of it having failed on you are very slim. Too, if you weren't on birth control, we'd tell you that genital contact has about a low to moderate risk of pregnancy, so if you add that up, you didn't have much or a risk.

Thirdly, things like food cravings, nausea and frequent urination are not symptoms of early pregnancy. Frequent urination doesn't occur until the later stages of pregnancy, when your uterus starts to exert pressure on your bladder. In fact, knowing your medical history, I'd wonder whether the indigestion, abdominal cramps and nausea aren't due to your Crohn's. How have you been doing with your medical check ups there?

Pregnancy tests aren't incredibly expensive, and some can even be really cheap. If you have a conversation with your boyfriend and tell him of your worries, I'm sure he'll pitch in (as he should, since he's part of this relationship, too). But really, if you don't even have the funds for a pregnancy test, I'd re-consider being sexually active at this point: being ale to care for yourself - both basic sexual health care and emergency issues like needing EC or a pregnancy test - is a big part of safer sex.

Given how low your risk was, I'd not worry about abortion at this point. If it does turn out you are pregnant, we can still discuss your options then.

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hs123
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My Crohns has been fine and I just got checked...
my boyfriend has the funds for everything i'm just scared to tell him. he has funds to support a kid even if i want to keep it- we set it up that way awhile ago...
I just don't have money right now cuz i just got my birth control shot which insurance stopped covering and i had to pay for myself... so it was expensive... and i usually make a bit of money but the job i usually have was cancelled this week...(and i had a bunch of doctors appointments which i had to pay a copay for) but like i said, my boyfriend can pay for everything- birth control test, abortion, child if we decide to keep it (if i'm pregnant). i dont really think i'm pregnant i just dont know... i'm going to ask my boyfriend to buy me a pregnancy test today though i think- just to be sure.

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Heather
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You know, if your boyfriend has the kind of saving that could sustain a child (that is a helluva lot of cash), why not use some of that for you two to share birth control costs from here on out?

Just to echo September, though, there is not a viable risk here: Depo, so long as a woman gets her shots on time, is extremely effective, and I don't even see that you had intercourse.

(How long have you been using Depo, by the way? Some of the symptoms you're reporting are commkon side effects, and for some women, those effects increase over time.)

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hs123
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I've been getting it for... a little over 9 months now?
And we haven't had intercourse...
I would've asked him to help pay for it- but usually it's covered by insurance so it's not so expensive and I don't have a problem paying for it so I wasn't expecting to have any problems- and also- when it's cheap like that, my parents will pay for it.
But I talked to my boyfriend and he's going to get me a pregnancy test later today.
And yeah, he definitely has the funds to support me and a kid- we both didn't grow up well off at all and we want our kids (if it gets that far) to have everything we didn't have- so (he at least- and i try) channel everything into savings accounts- so his savings account is quite large. But since I've been sick- and since I knew my parents couldn't afford all of it on their own- I had to use some of it on myself.

And I know depoprovera is really effective just- with my life- i seem to always be like- the 1% that the bad stuff happens to...

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Heather
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So, you're at around the time where we should see bigger side effects start to ebb, but it's not atypical to still have them around the third shot.

Again, I really doubt pregnancy is an issue here, but if a test makes you feel better, bonus.

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hs123
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Okay- I had one positive and one negative test... I didn't do it with the first urine of the morning so I don't know what impact it has on the test but now I'm freaked out...
Any ideas what this means? And what impact does it have if you don't do it first thing in the morning?

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow afternoon now to find out... Now we're both freaking out... Kindof regretting this pregnancy test- wishing I had just ignored the whole thing... UCHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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hs123
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anyone?
sorry- i know yall are busy out there- just looking for some calming words before i go in today... havent slept a wink i'm so nervous that I could be pregnant.

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hs123
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sorry i know im being terribly impatient
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diamonds4lucy
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I understand that you must be incredibly worried right now: are you sure that you took and read the test correctly? If I recall correctly, some pregnancy tests may register a false positive if you wait longer than recommended by the instructions to read them. Even if you are certain you took it correctly, the thing to do is get a blood test from a doctor, which will be able to give you the answer.

Typically, the first morning's pee will have a large amount of the hormone that occurs during pregnancy and is measured by a home pregnancy test, which is why taking it in the morning is recommended.

I'm sorry to read that you're in such a rough spot right now: you're doing the right thing by going to a clinic and getting this sorted out.

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hs123
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Well, turns out I had a UTI- and I'm also pregnant. I really don't know how this could happen and I don't know what to do.
I haven't talked to my boyfriend about it in like a week. We tried to talk about it and he was really nice, considering that I thought he was just gonna yell at me to get an abortion- which he didnt- but I just don't know- and I needed time to think, and he keeps asking me what I'm thinking and all, and I don't know what to tell him, cuz I'm not really thinking anything- because I keep thinking How could I be so stupid- but then I don't really feel like I was being stupid because I was using a reliable method of birth control- and yeah, maybe it would've been even smarter to use a condom, but I had a bad experience with condoms- so I just don't feel like I was being stupid, and I don't think he does either.

And now I'm just depressed because I don't know what to do. Adoption is the only thing I've ruled out. I either have the child and keep it, or don't have it at all.

And I keep asking my boyfriend what he thinks because I was like- if I can't decide maybe I'll just lean towards whatever he thinks- and he was like- honeslty, I really don't know- I thought I was gonna want you to have an abortion but now, I really just don't know cuz like, we could make it work.

I just don't want to make a decision I'll regret, or having a child I can't take care of.

And I'd like to be able to act like a normal person towards my boyfriend instead of being such a jerk. He keeps telling me I need him- which I probably do but I just don't feel like being around him.

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September
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Did you get the pregnancy confirmed by a blood test? If so, what did the nurses at the clinic have to say to you? Have you asked them about resources and possible counseling options for you?

If you haven't had a blood test done, and haven't been to a clinic yet, I suggest you do that first, and get the pregnancy confirmed, before we worry about anything else.


But really hun - do not beat yourself up over this. You were not being stupid. Even if you hadn't been on birth control, the chances of pregnancy from what you described were slim, so if you are indeed pregnant, then it's the result of really bad luck, and not of a failure on your part to protect yourself. Too, no method is ever 100% safe, so part of being sexually active is understanding that you always have a risk. It sucks royally when we take best precautions against that risk and still end up pregnant, but it's something that can happen. So no, none of this is your fault.

Do you have anyone else you can go to for support outside of your boyfriend? Since he's involved in this, too, and probably shaken up by this as well, he may not be the best source for impartial advice and support right now, so it might not be a bad idea to confide in a close friend or trusted relative to help you through this.

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Johanna
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hs123
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yes, I went to the doctor and had a blood test.
They didn't really have any advice for me unless i wanted to keep it...
I don't want any of my friends to know or anything.

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September
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Okay. Then let's see what we can do.

I'm sorry you were not informed more thoroughly of your choices at your doctor's office - they really should have offered to tell you about all of your options, not just about parenting. You might want to call and ask them specifically for help on this. Alternatively, you could look for a different doctor or clinic where you can get some help. Places like Planned Parenthood or similar clinics would be a good choice for that. If you want, we can help you find one nearby.

We can certainly also talk about your options on here, as well. You said earlier that adoption is not something you are interested in, so if you want, we can look at your other two options: abortion and parenting. This is a really hard decision to make, so then you can come back if you know what questions you'd like to ask.

Here are some overviews of what abortion or parenting may entail:
All About Abortion
I Want It NOW!
(this second article is geared towards users who want to have a baby, but it's a pretty good summary of what to expect from pregnancy and child-rearing.)

Is there a particular reason why you don't want to talk to your friends? You're in a really difficult position right now, and no matter what you decide to do, you're looking at some really trying times, and there is no reason at all you should go through this alone. I'm sure you know someone -friend, relative, mentor- that you can trust and who will be happy to support you through this.

(And on a side-note? Do be aware that Crohn's can be triggered by emotional stress, so you'll want to be extra sure to go to your medical check up, stick to your diets and take your meds. If you decide to stay pregnant, you'll also want to have a long conversation about this with your doctor, as pregnancy has additional risks for someone with CD and needs to be closely monitored.)

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Heather
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hs123, I'm back in from San Fran, so just know, too, that if you want some options counseling, I'm happy to help.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with a BC failure. We all know it does happen and that nothing is 100%, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with when a pregnancy is unwanted.

By the by, it's also not at all atypical to want NOT to be around a partner when you're dealing with an unwanted pregnancy. So, do be sure your boyfriend understands that the best person to express YOUR needs is you. You may need to ask him to respect a need for space you're feeling right now, and remind him that if what he's actually saying when he says you need him is that he needs YOU that it's important you both have a support system other than just the two of you and that both of your unique sets of needs get met.

How far along are you?

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hs123
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About 7 weeks...

They said that if I wanted to keep it they would have to talk to all my doctors about coming down to the lost dose possible of all my medicines so as not to harm the baby and that it would be best not breast feed after.

I just don't trust anyone with this right now...

My boyfriend said if I wanted to keep it I could still go abroad- just find a doctor there- cut it short and go for a semester- and take the next semester off. I don't know if that's even a plausible idea. I don't even know if I want to keep it.

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September
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If you're 7 weeks a long, you've still got a bit of time left to make your decision. Are you leaning in any direction yet? Do you have any questions about either option that we can answer for you?

Yep, carrying out a pregnancy can be tricky with Crohn's. The medication, depending what you're on, could potentially be harmful. Too, once the uterus starts to extend, it may start to aggravate any sites of infection you may have in your intestines. But all of this depends largely on how severe your case is and how you're doing over-all. It is possible to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy even with Crohn's. But it does carry more risks, so it's something you'll want to take into consideration. You'll also want to keep in mind that actually having a baby and caring for it is intensely stressful, too, and since flare-ups can be triggered by stress, that's also something to keep in mind.

Had you been planning on doing a semester or year abroad? If you are doing this through an organization, they may have regulations concerning this, so if that's something you'd still be interested in doing, you'll want to talk to them. Too, depending where you'd want to go, you'd have to look into health insurance and appropriate health care there. Going to a new place, meeting new people, possibly living with a host family and having to adapt to a different culture is difficult enough on its own, though, so I'd want to think real hard about doing all of that while pregnant.

Where are your parents in all of this? If I recall correctly, you're still living at home. So if you were to chose to parent, they'd be a part of this, too. I understand that you're not ready to deal with telling anyone yet, but if you are considering keeping the baby, you will want to talk to your parents about this and get their point of view.

Those are just some thoughts. I'm sure you're feeling pretty over-whelmed right now, and that's okay. Just take your time to think about this, and if you need anything -help with some questions, support, or just a place to think out loud-, just come on back here and we'll do our best to help.

[ 08-12-2008, 03:27 AM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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hs123
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I miscarried.
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September
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What happened, hs123? Have you been to a doctor to have the miscarriage confirmed? Have you had medical care?

Something like this isn't easy to deal with, no matter what we were going to do with the pregnancy. I hope there is someone in your life that you can talk to and who will support you.

Most of all, take care of yourself right now. Take it easy, pamper yourself a little.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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hs123
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yeah, we went to the emergency room in the middle of the night last night cuz i woke up in a pool of blood with cramps so bad i couldnt stand- so my boyfriend took me in and they did an ultrasound and said it was a miscarriage and said i should see my regular doctor in 3 days to make sure it completed and to wear pads and no tampons. the bleedings really light now but i still have bad cramps.

my boyfriends hanging around in bed with me which i like cuz i feel really bad

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September
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Alright. Do make sure to go back to the doctor's in a couple of days, then, and take it easy in the meantime.

Miscarriages in early pregnancy aren't uncommon, and it's just your bodies way of handling a pregnancy that wasn't meant to be. The body's pretty good at recognizing when things aren't going well.

It's good to hear that your boyfriend is there for you and being supportive, too. It's only normal that you're feeling pretty crappy right now, so give yourself time to grieve and deal with this.

If I remember right, you're also seeing a counselor? It may be a good idea to work through this in counseling once you feel ready to go back.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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hs123
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I dont really know if I wanna talk to anyone about it right now i just wanna lay around and feel crappy about it for a little while.
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September
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That's perfectly valid. You've been through a really tough situation, so some wallowing is definitely okay. Just make sure that you don't wallow too much. Keep in touch with family and friends (you don't have to talk to them about this, that's just so you have some company), and get out every once in a while, when you feel up to it.

But again, once you feel up to going back to therapy, I think that would be an excellent place for you to bring this up and work through it.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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September
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Hey hs123, you haven't been posting around the boards too much lately, and I just wanted to check in and ask how you're doing. How've you been dealing? Is there anything that we could do for you?

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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