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Author Topic: Maybe pregnant and possible legal action?
missy465
Neophyte
Member # 27653

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Hi..

This is going to sound odd.. but my best friends (a married couple) have a pretty open relationship when it comes to sex. A few weekends ago, I had intercourse with her husband (with his wifes permission). It was unprotected because he had done a sample test and the doctor said he was completely sterile from the radiation in Iraq (served three years there). He did not ejaculate inside me, and the very next morning I got my period. It lasted about 3 days, shorter than my normal 5. Recently I have felt very tired - this morning no matter what I did I could NOT get out of bed. Today, I found out that the doctor called him and said that his sample got mixed up with another one, and he CAN have kids. What are the chances of me being pregnant, and if I am, would legal action be able to be taken against the doctor's, since the samples were mixed and we were given false information? Sorry this is such an odd situation... I'm not sure what I'll do if I am pregnant. Thanks for your time.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, this is likely more his case than yours, especially since you made a choice not to ask someone to use a condom. I mean, sterility or not, you also opted into STI risks (which any lawyer would likely put forth is especially pertinent in a polyamorous situation).

Really, you'll want to talk to a lawyer about this, not us, as by all means, we are not legal experts. But I'd be prepared to be told you don't have a strong case, and it may well be that even this guy you slept with's only case will be IF you become pregnant and then ask for child support. Even then, it's entirely likely that he signed an agreement with his doctor per liability that made room for lab errors.

Per your chances of being pregnant, if you had unprotected intercourse, then you've had a high risk of pregnancy, though how high that risk is is going to depend on if there was ejaculate or not in earnest, and if not, if his pre-ejaculate had sperm, which it may or may not have. If it was only a pre-ejaculate situation, it's a lower risk. If it's been more than a couple weeks since this risk, there's no reason not to take a pregnancy test now. Too, since you also did have unprotected sex with this guy, you'll want to schedule STI screenings soon, too, and in the future, with any new partner, especially in knowingly poly situations, you'll always want to practice safer sex, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Also, I don't mean to mommy you in any way, but looking at the two posts you've had here in past years, are you doing okay, honey?

Is there a reason why in this situation no one talked about safer sex at all, or why it was ditched? Are you doing okay taking care of yourself, and are these safe folks for you to be around?

I don't ask that because of the poly situation, but because it strikes me as odd for a couple to be talking about lab tests per fertility with a secondary partner rather than simply having everyone use safer sex. I also ask that because not all the time, but often enough, when conversations/situations like this bypass the smart stuff and start going into big reasons (like infertility via radiation) to avoid the smart stuff, it's always sage to be on the lookout for someone manipulative.

(Have YOU spoken with this doctor yourself, or has this all been told to you through this guy?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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missy465
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Member # 27653

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I am doing okay.. I wasn't for a little because my sister went through an emotionally abusive relationship similar to what I went though, and that was hard in that I sort of re-lived it through her, and thinking of that in terms of my little sister. But I am better now.

We didn't talk about safer sex.. it never really came up. His wife is my best friend and had told me about a week before the weekend I spent at their house that her husband couldn't have kids either (she can't because of a severe case of endometriosis) - at that point, it was just a "confide in a friend" thing - nothing that happened that weekend was pre-planned. The week before I had 2 lecture exams and 2 lab practical’s - it was horrible - I studied day and night. I went to their house with the intention of drinking and letting go of all that stress - that was pre-planned, even my mother knew about it. Things just sort of happened - me and my best friend (the wife) had a conversation about it when we realized where our actions were going, and talked through our friendship and what we mean to each other, and the fact that they have an open sexual relationship (although only he has taken advantage of it so far), especially because he was out of the country for 3 years - and that he had always used a condom until he found out he was sterile - and then he only went without one when it was with his wife.

A few nights before, I had been talking to my mom about relationships, and she suggested friends with benefits to help keep “my biological being in balance.” This is why I felt safe doing this - these were my best friends, we talked it over, he was sterile, I had never had a positive sexual experience and they wanted to give that to me in a setting where I felt absolutely safe, and I did, I felt safe. It’s been 10 days since it happened – with over the counter pregnancy tests, isn’t it you have to wait about 5 days before your next period to tell? Thanks so much for caring :-)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm afraid this will be brief, I'm about to run out, but I can swing back by later to talk more if you'd like.

Per the pregnancy test: yes, you'll want to wait a little bit longer (and also know that having symptoms this soon, especially like feeling exhausted, isn't very likely). But again, since you didn't practice safer sex, and this was a new partner, I'd strongly advise you get an STI screening as well, so if you can schedule that for about a week from now, you can also save a step and get a pregnancy test done in the office then, too.

Just for future reference? Again, with a new partner, always a condom. Whether you trust them or not is irrelevant: it's a new partner, you may be being exposed to something new. And since he also has had multiple partners -- condoms reduce risks, they don't obliviate them -- the risks are substantial. And safer sex should ALWAYS come up when you're negotiating poly: if you ever get here again and it doesn't, that's usually a very good warning sign that that's not a good situation. It's also pretty odd that some guy who says he always uses condoms save with her would go without with you or anyone else, and gives reason to BE distrustful of him on that score. Someone who is that dedicated to keeping everyone safe in that way doesn't tend to make exceptions.

[ 10-30-2007, 08:02 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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missy465
Neophyte
Member # 27653

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Hi..

Just wanted to thank you for everything and to let you know that I am not pregnant - thank goodness! And, actually... my best friend is pregnant. Huge surprise, her doctor has been telling her otherwise for years. They're so happy - at first she wasn't because she had turned the "you cant have kids" into "well i dont want them anyway" in order to deal with it, but now.. she's falling in love with this baby, it's so amazing. I just wanted to stop by and let you know how much I appreciate everything - Thank you!

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