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ilovelee14
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Member # 13412

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not long ago two of my freinds reported me and my best mate to our form tutor for cutting our wrists. She informed the head of year. All four of us had to talk together and she ended up wanting me and my freind to go to councilling sessions at school. I said i would make an appointment, she also sed that we should tell our parents. My freind, gemma, had already told her parents and they know why and everything along with everyone else. A lot of people think she does it for attention, and after i did it a couple of times they said the same thing to me. This mad me upset as none of them knew the real reason that i cut myself. this was like a year ago but i recently cut my wrist in the bath after my dad lost his job, as my parents tend to fight a lot more now which upsets me. I have thought about killing myself on numerous occasions but one thing had always stopped me and thats the thought of leaving my two neices. Especially bethany whos 3, i love her more than anything and wouldnt want her to be upset that i had left her like my grandad also did not long ago. My nan is currently in hospital which is causing a lot of strain on my family. My mum has asked me before about the scars on my arm, at first i said it was the school cat, but she has seen the cut i did in the bath only the other day as she asked how i got it, i paniked and sed 'u know i told u that was the school cat' she dint beleive me, and sed that i did it myself like gemma, as i had told her about gemma before i had started cutting myself, and i just walked off not answering her question. Wat rely pisses me off is that they are always talking about me, if i say sumin to my mum the whole family will end up knowing, i feel like they are all judging me!i have tried to stop hurting myself, but if i get down (always before/during my period) then i do it on impulse later regretting it. But i see cutting meself as a sort of relief.I have written suicide notes, which no one knows about not even my best freind. im afraid that one day im going to go to far and really kill myself, and although thats wat i want at times, i dnt want to. i need help, i know i do, im just not sure how to go about it and where to get help from without telling anyone especially my parents. im not sure whether things will ever improve!Most 14 year olds are out having fun and enjoying life. I on the other hand sit writing suicide notes, cuttin myself and dreamin of killing myself. I have considered many many times jumping at school, the urge to jump is so strong when i lean out of this window at skool.i based my english exam around my own suicide attempt.i cn feel on top of the world one minute and at the bottom of the barrel the next.what should i do :'(:'(
sorry if i have depressed, upset or bored anyone :'(

Posts: 5 | From: kent | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silent_darkness
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Member # 13218

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ilovelee...I know exactly what your feeling. And no I'm not trying to preach to you and not know whats going on. I seriously went through the very same thing. My best friend starting cutting...we sort of did it together (not at the same time but you get it) as a way to let our problems go..Emilys(my bestfriend) got alot worse...She gashed her wrists and someone called her house and said "look at her wrist" and hung up. They sent her to Cumberland Hall(crazy house to teens(basically) and after that everyone said that because I didnt have a chemical imbalance like her..that I was just cutting for attention. This pissed me off alot worse..I couldnt understand why my parents said these awful things and treated my like crap in the time I was depressed. I wrote multiple suicide notes and they helped after a while, in getting my feelings out. I can't tell you that going to a councelor will help...I'm living proof that it doesnt...my school councelor did not help me at all. In fact she gave me those cheesy suicide pamphlets. I understand what you said about being 14 and not living like other kids. I'm 15 and I lock myself in the bathroom most of the time..I cant tell you how to cure yourself...I cant even cure MYSELF...all I can say really is find an outlet. I know that sounds typical..but my outlet was music. AFI (kickin band) I just found one day that if I blare them in my ear and shut out the rest of the world,..my problems go away for the moment...I also found that POETRY most of all helped me. Whenever I got depressed or contemplated hurting myself again...I would write the most dark poetry that spilled my felings. And i never let anybody read it because its my own little outlet...

I hope I helped you in some kind of way...if not with helping you find a way to get suicide out of your mind by using an outlet...then I hope I helped you by showing that theres a person out here that relates to you

------------------
x We are the wakeful, wry and watchful, We're awaiting. DEATHLESS ONES x


Posts: 20 | From: Sharon Grove | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
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Member # 8067

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silentdarkness, I appreciate that you're trying to help, but we ask that only advocates, sexperts and the original poster reply in "Emergencies and Crises", as ookuotoe explained here:

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000474.html


Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ilovelee14
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Member # 13412

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thanx silentdarkness, u did help! i already write a lot of erm depressing poetry which helps and listening to music also cheers me up.thanx. luv chloe
Posts: 5 | From: kent | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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