Three months ago, the person who I love more than anything decided to leave my life. He gave me lies and fake excuses as to why he was doing it. I was doing ok at first, because it didn't hit me right away. But since then I've been going down and down in everything in my life. See, we had been learning each other all last year, he stayed with me for 3 days a week while I went to college in NJ- my only friend. Everytime he saw me, he had this huge beautiful cheshire smile. He considered a future with me. And one day, a girl he said he used to love, called. She had broken up with her b/f and wanted to hear that my boy still loved her. I had to figure all this out on my own. We fought for two months trying to get through this. And just as we were reaching the finishing line to being closer than ever before, this girl decided to leave his life forever. He blamed me. And a week later, left my life.
I don't know how I'm ever going to get into film school with the grades I got for quitting college because of him. I started talking to my favorite director, by accident, but now he doesn't email me back. I have no chance to make any friends, and even when I do, I usually don't. I've stopped speaking with my two best friends, the ones I should love because they treat me like a sister, but I don't love them anymore. I'm affraid I had a miscarriage to this guy. I cry hours through the night, and hours when I wake up. The only way to calm me down is when I take sleeping pills and don't have nightmares (which barely happens). I'm affraid because the sleeping pills are not working. In my past I've thought of hurting myself, but today is the closest I've come to it. And it terrifies me. I can't bare all this pain anymore, but I can't bare the unknown. I've been a strong atheist since I was little so I can't turn to a god. I feel hideous, and as much as I can't live without this person in my life, I feel he deserves better than me. I was the one hurt, but all I see is beautiful women on tv he deserves more than someone who looks like I do. Things in the past that would make me happy and calm me down, don't. Everyone of my friends that have known me for a long time, keep saying "I don't understand, your life was always bad, and now it's worse." I don't know how to live a life, thinking it's going to keep getting worse. I can't go on anti-depressants, they give me an opposite effect. Half of these three months all I think is "he'll come back", but when he won't return my one or two phone calls, I think not. I'm in a trap- he can't be with me because he thinks this other girl will come back in his life- and now I'm in the same trap.
He won't respond to email, letter, or call. And I've only contacted him 3-4 times. Half of my day is screaming and crying that I'll never see or hear from him again. And the other half is everything reminding me of him, and thinking he'll come back into my life.
I'm worried for him. He's older than me, but he needs help surviving in the world. I'm worried for me. Everyday I get worse and worse. I lost 30 lbs over the months of fighting. And we were almost sure I was pregnant. I worry that killed a child. Or the stress did. I worry for his health, because his genitals don't seem to work like I've heard other guys do.
I'm scared for myself, at 4am when I'm crying and tempted- that I won't have someone to talk to try and calm me down.
Okay. You can't talk to God, but you can talk to a therapist or counselor, which can actually be more helpful, since they can talk back.
...and start giving you some solid tools to cope, which may not require any medication at all.
I'd really encourage you to seek that out. If you need help finding services you can afford in your area, we can be of some help with that, just say the word.
In the interim? I have to tell you something: you have got to let go of the pedestal you're putting this guy on, because it's clearly crushing you (and to be frank, his behaviour here makes it pretty clear he isn't worthy of it -- he sounds like he's been a bit of an ass, to say the least). Whatever happened? He left you. It's over. Over.
Time to stop the calls, time to stop worrying about what he deserves (especially in such a self-punishing and delusional way) and start thinking about what YOU do. Time also to accept that he isn't coming back, and even if he did? If you'd think not at all about taking him right back -- after lying, after walking out, after blaming you -- in that is a sign, clear as crystal, that you aren't able to consider yourself enough to be an equally participating member of a mutually satisfying and healthy relationship. Or see this for what it is with any clarity whatsoever. Period.
Likely, if he'd leave you for this possibility, honey, it's bigger than this girl. It's about you and he just not being what he wants. I know it's hard as hell to accept that sort of thing, but you've got to. It's easier for you to think it's about the girl, but from an objective reader of what you've said just here, it's pretty likely that is but the tip of the iceberg, and an awfully convenient one for both of you, at that. It may also have something to do with the level of desparation going on here, likely amongst both of you.
So, can you try and start with accepting this is over and really looking at where YOU need to/want to go from here? Sounds like film school is part of what you want. Sounds like a little more self-control, reliance, strength and independence is also what you want/need. Both of those are very good aims, and much healthier than where you keep going.
Can you also start by finding someone to talk with, preferably a qualified counselor or objective and supportive party?
I don't seem to have a group of friends to speak to that can handle listening or helping when I really need it. I would like to find a counselor, but I've never met one I can really get along with, and I'm in need of help as soon as I can.
I keep realizing he's gone, and cry for hours, then I almost back out of reality and think he'll be back someday. He was never on a pedastal, it took me 6 months of being friends to even begin to realize what an amazing person he is. He's nothing even close to what someone would call a "catch". But I still love him despite that, more than anything else, which is scary. I wanted to be his equal in a relationship. That's when I started bringing up this girl to him. And for two months he and I were working out all our differences and getting stronger. And everytime I thought I'd leave his life and told him I would (not knowing there's no way I ever could), he would tell me "but I have to be at your movie premier" or "we've yet to go shopping at ikea together". And its almost impossible for me to accept he's gone, when for two months he didn't want to leave. And one day he just magically left.
Someone who was so dependent on me, obsessed with me for months, couldn't let one week go without seeing me- suddenly doing a 180 just doesn't make sense. And I'm scared for him. I'm trying to look out for myself and him.
Well for right now, I'd suggest you look out for you. Only. He's gone. And frankly, from this side of the fence, I think it's best for you (and perhaps him -- but he's not my concern) that he is.
While what you've described may not make sense to you, it makes a lot of sense. High-intensity obsession and codependence does tend to crash and burn in this way, nearly every single time. You're talking about a relationship of only about a year, in which a couple months involved fighting, and during which you both, it seems, kept thinking of leaving or saying you would. That level of drama doesn't often tend to sustain itself long-term. It tends to wind up just like this.
It can take a little while to find a councelor that works for you, but do try -- and make sure the reason you aren't getting along isn't because you're not budging, or because he or she is saying things you don't want to hear. I have to say that the best counselor I ever had was the one I liked least from the outset, for exactly that reason.
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