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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Is it Love? Friednship and Sexuality - Desperate for help.

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Author Topic: Is it Love? Friednship and Sexuality - Desperate for help.
HLW123
Neophyte
Member # 100840

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Hello Scarleteen!

I'm in a really bad place rate now with a guy who means so much to me. I am only 18 years old and just broke up with my boyfriend of 19 months a few days ago.

I had two real reasons for breaking up with him: codependency and lack of physical attraction.

This past year was his first year in college and I believe it made him a bit insecure becasue it was such a big change and he really missed me. Around Christmas time I started to fall into a routine where I knew he would come visit me every month and I would see him soon so I stopped missing him so much and starting enjoying life. Unfortunately, he did not feel the same. He missed me so much ALL the time and constantly needed attention to the point where it started interfering with my life. We are able to communicate with each other really well so finally, a month or so ago, I started telling him these feelings when they didn't get better. He actually did back off a little but I was still unhappy.

The day before he came home I broke up with him. It was easy to think I didn't miss him when he wasn't here becasue we weren't together, having a good time. I believe that if I wanted a relationship with him we could work out these codependency issues. I have spoken to him about it a lot and I believe he finally understands.

The other problem holding me back, however, is my sex life. I can't tell whether this problem stems from me or him and whether or not it can be solved for our relationship. He has never been able to turn me on, but I don't know if it is because of my attraction for him or becasue we are inexperienced. We are both eachother's first real girlfriend/boyfriend. I personally, am I really sexually inactive person. I hardly ever masturbate and don't really know how. For a long time I believe my lack of knowing myself was what was putting our relationship off. I do think it is a combination though, he also lacks experience and doesn't quite know what to do.

If it is becasue of inexperience that I feel this way, I think we could work it out. But I am afraid that these feelings just stem from me not being physically attracted to them. He IS a good looking guy, honestly. Pretty eyes, blond hair, lean and fit. Ironically he is the opposite of my dream guy who would be dark haired, very muscular and dominant. But I still find him attractive, obviously or we wouldn't be in a relationship. The problem is, I can't figure out why I am not sexually excited by a perfect guy who I find physically appealing. He is a bit submissive in bed which may also contribute to my lack of excitement becasue I feel like I'm the dominating one. Because of this problem I have not had sex with him yet and tell him I'm not ready (which I don't think I am in general). Sometimes I feel like I want to have sex with him but I can't...I don't know if it's becasue I am not sexually excited or just not ready.

So we're going through a tough time. I'm only 18 which makes me think sexual excitement is a bit important to have in a relationship. The bad news is....he is the PERFECT guy otherwise, and my best friend! We tell each other everything, I can be myself around him, we have totally opposite interests (art and politics) but somehow find common ground and introduce eachother to new hobbies and interests which we end up loving! We are so incredibly compatible personality wise that I am really scared I made the wrong choice breaking up with him. We have had so many incredible times together and he treats me like gold. He buys me flowers all the time and picks out gifts that are actually unique things I am interested in (he bought me a book about dragons once just becasue I love Eragon) and he puts up with all my flaws. He has waited for me to have sex for 19 months and says he still will becasue he loves me as a person. He has NEVER pressured me to do something I don't want to...all this makes me feel guilty, like I gave up to soon.

Is he someone I could fall in love with again or is he just a friend? I love him SO much but I'm not sure I'm in love with him. But I miss him so much that I'm afraid I'm giving up without one more chance..but I'm also afraid I'll hurt him again if I can't figure out my sexual identity.

Please help! I'm so confused.

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HLW123
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Member # 100840

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I also want to add that I am unsure if we would ever be able to be 'just' friends because of how in love we were and how badly the breakup hurt him. If I give up on our relationship I may lose him completely. The few days after we broke up were very hard and we talked a lot and cried a lot haha, but then last Wednesday I saw him in person for a final breakup and I haven't heard from him since. He also unfriended me on Facebook but I believe this may be a coping mechanism not backlash. He hasn't said or done anything particularly horrible from the breakup so I don't think he hates me or anything he's just upset. But not hearing from him kills me becasue I miss him so much.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, it seems to me that just a few days after a breakup is probably too soon to try and figure all of this out and process all of this.

How about giving yourself a couple of weeks or so to just live with this decision, regain your footing, focus on other things, and then start to feel and think through some of this? Same goes with giving him time and space, particularly since you were the one who initiated the breakup?

One can only presume you made the choice you did for sound reasons, and missing someone who has been in our lives a lot and then is not will happen, even with the right choice per a breakup.

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Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

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Hi ladywonders,

I'm sorry you're going through this. The first big break-up we experience can really suck (as I'm sure you're noticing).

The thing is, you're the best judge of your feelings on this matter. It sounds like there were a few things in this relationship that were making you feel unhappy with it, and that you ran the calculations and decided that ending it was the best decision for you. Since it sounds like you're having second thoughts now, it might help to do those same calculations again. Write them down if you have to. When you're in the midst of a break-up, it can be easy to lose track of the reasons for why you did what you did. And, as Heather mentioned, taking some time to sort through your thoughts might be really helpful.

Much like the decision to break-up was yours, you can decide to try and get back together again. Of course, your former boyfriend may not want to, so that's something to prepare yourself for if you decide to try again. However, it sounds like there are something things (especially around sex) that it might be good for you to take some time to work out by yourself first. When you were together, did you bring up your feelings about sex and attraction to your boyfriend?

I'll also give you this article, since it sounds like you might need it right about now:
Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

[ 05-19-2014, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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HLW123
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Member # 100840

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Hello!~

Thank you both for responding, it's hard to go through things like this alone and I really needed an outside opinion.

Heather, I agree that what we both need is time. The problem is, waiting is very hard! I do think it is what needs to happen, though. I have been very high and low since our breakup. I continue my life as normal, see friends, go out, and I have had a lot of fun but of course, there are the low times where I start second guessing myself and I am always thinking about him. In one hand, I hope that if I wait for him maybe one day in the next month or two he will come to me wanting to be friends or wanting to discuss our relationship. On the other hand, I'm afraid he will avoid contacting me because he thinks that's what I want.

Sam, you also made some really good points! I believe that at the time I made the right choice with the breakup. There are things in our relationship that needed to change. I guess what I'm struggling with now is where to go next? Do I shrug it off and move on and try and forget? Or do I try and work on rebuilding our relationship?

I actually did make a list of reasons why we broke up. I know they are issues we would have to tackle if we ever tried again. It's hard to decide whether the pros or cons of our relationship are more important.

Also, I definitely realize that he may choose not to get back together and I would absolutely give him that option if I came to him wanting to rekindle the flame. Ultimately, much of this will be his choice even though I started it.

One of my biggest fears is that if we try again we will fail and I will hurt him all over again. I know that's part of being in a relationship but the thing that kills me the most is that I can't comfort him right now becasue I'm the one that caused his pain. Like I said though, the reasons I broke up with him are things that we would definitely have to talk about and try and fix if we wanted to try again. I would not blindly go into the relationship thinking everything was fine and I don't think he would either. I guess I'm afraid of the uncertainty. If we were meant to get back together that would be great, but if not, I couldn't bear the thought that I might just be hurting him more. It's a difficult place to be in.

Also, thank you for the article I am going tor read it now!

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HLW123
Neophyte
Member # 100840

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Sorry for the double post again, I just realized I forgot to answer your question.

While in the relationship I talked to my boyfriend about my sex life in the sense that he knows I am inexperienced and we haven't found much that has pleased me yet. He also knows I am not ready for sex and says he is willing to wait which I believe becasue he has patiently been waiting for 19 months.

I have *not* talked to him about the fear that I am not sexually attracted to him. I don't really know how to bring this up.

After talking to you guys I feel like there may be some loose ends we need to discuss or else we will go on not knowing if we really tried hard enough. However, I understand that we both also need time and I'm not sure now is a good time to reach out to him in fear of hurting him.

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Sam W
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 108189

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Glad you found what we said helpful [Smile] I think reading the break-up article might help you figure out the "where do I go from here" question.

I think now may not be the best time to reach out to him. He, like you, is probably feeling some pretty un-fun emotions, and you're right that you both need time. Both to let the sting of the break-up subside, but also to have a chance to put the relationship into perspective.

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