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Author Topic: Frustrated and hopeless
JB
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Hi there.

After a particularly light period combined with using tampons too high for my flow, I had some vaginal tearing. I went to the doctor, they told me to give it a week, and I went home. Well I DID give it a week and it still hurts. I think it might be because I tend to rub myself raw during my period trying to make sure I'm dry/there's no blood. So objectively I know why I'm a little sore still.

However I'm an anxious emotional wreck because I'm impatient, I feel like I have no control over my body, I'm so upset I haven't 100% healed yet. Worse yet, the doctor I saw was at Planned Parenthood before I got insurance...since she doesn't know me, it made it hard to trust her. She triggered my anxiety really badly by saying that there was a small possibility it was herpes. While I know that's not true for me because of my history, she didn't know that. And I didn't feel safe telling her I was going to have/was having an anxiety attack, since coldsores/herpes is a huge trigger for me. She even said it was unlikely, that it really just looked like a tear, but that wasn't enough to pull me out of my anxiety.

So now that it still hurts, I'm catastrophizing. I can't focus. I'm anxious. I need help, I need reassurance, I need someone to tell me my body isn't a broken useless mess because that's what I feel like.

I'm sorry. Thank you so much.

Posts: 186 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
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Hi, JB. Sorry to hear that you feel so rough right now.

Your body isn't broken, and it's definitely not useless. Right now, it's doing all kinds of awesome incredible things, so many things that all come together in an incredible, complex system that is a body for you to live in.

Even when a body - yours, or anyone else's - isn't perfect, is injured, or not quite doing everything right, it's still doing so many amazing things. Where your body is still a little hurt, it's been healing, and it's still healing, right this minute, while I write this and you read this. I think that's pretty incredible.

If it would help you, we can talk more in a while about some of the things you've raised here. Right now, it sounds like the best thing for you would be to deal with the anxiety some. Do you have techniques that you can use for that, things that you can use to deal with being triggered? Now would be the time to use some of those. If you need any general reminders or tips for that, you can have a look here: Self-Care a la Carte

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JB
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Thanks for getting back to me. Right now I'm just trying to reign in the emotional side, the one that's catastrophizing. I'm talking to my boyfriend, who is doing a great job of reassuring me. I'm also trying to remember that the doctor confirmed it was a fissure, and remember that SHE didn't seem concerned, only wanted to tell me everything because a) she doesn't know me/my history and b) that's her job.

I know I'll heal eventually, I just feel so powerless. I'm scared I'll never get better and I'll be doomed to have painful sex forever.

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Redskies
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Well, that sounds like catastrophizing to me. Thinking about something forever is Way too big of a jump to need to worry about. As you said, you know you'll heal, so the forever-worry is just the anxiety trying to put fear in your head.

It's a doctor's job to fully inform their patient. It's just unfortunate that in this case, the extra just-in-case information was on a topic that's triggering to you. The doctor made it clear to you that what you had was a tear, and you know that that's the reality here, and that the fears in your head are the anxiety talking.

We can talk about the feelings you have of being powerless with your body later, if that would help you. Right now, how about trying to do something nice for yourself and trying to focus a bit less on this?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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JB
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Ok. That sounds good. I'm gonna get lunch soon, probably buy myself something cause it's payday, and try to look forward to the weekend and the plans I've got...specifically sleeping in! Thank you for your help.
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Redskies
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That sounds good! Weekend sleeping-in plans are the best [Smile] You're very welcome.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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JB
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Hi! So I'm feeling better about everything, although I have a question/concern: I went to the doctor's today to test for a UTI (my medical anxiety is best cleared by seeing a doctor) and she inserted a speculum and irritated the same part of me that's been hurting. I did a little research and since there's no bleeding I don't THINK it's a major tear...I'm planning to give it an additional week to heal, as I find I take a while to heal from cuts. However, a little part of me is catastrophizing that it's scar tissue, even though from what I've read scar tissue usually only forms after surgery or more serious trauma (giving birth for instance.) What's the likelihood of scar tissue? Is it low and am I just panicking for now reason? Thanks again!
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JB
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...upon further thinking I feel foolish for asking this, as I have a scar on my leg from a fourwheeler accident and never developed scar tissue. I'm guessing a minor tear is njot going to result in scar tissue. I apologize for what might seem like a nonsensical question!
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Truly, scar tissue from a fissure is not at all likely.

And even if it did, it isn't as if scar tissue is a problem or presents a health issue.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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