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Author Topic: Sexuality confusion
ken wat
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Hello
I am 15 year old male
I had gay sex when I was 12, I do not know what to think of it. I did not do it with a boyfriend or anything, in fact I have never been attracted or had feelings for another guy in my life. It was pushed onto me by an older kid, and since I didn't know what it was I just let it happen. The feeling was alright, it felt ok. However I started to get uncomfortable because I was doing it with a man, and I was not attracted to the man. Now I am 15 since then I have had 3 girlfriends and done many things such as making out touching. I liked it all, and I enjoyed it all. Now I think back at my past when I had gay sex and feel ashamed. Also I would never even think about doing it now. I cannot imagine myself having a relationship with a man or having sex with them again. However I am about to have my first straight sex and I am looking forward to it very much. I have two questions: am i bi or straight? I ask this question because when I did it I liked the feeling of it but felt uncomfortable with the sex and wasn't attracted to the man I was doing it with, also I would never do gay sex today. Another question is should I tell my girlfriend? I want trust in my relationship. And also want her to know me the most.Also how should I explain it to her without her thinking I am gay? Also I am dwelling on my sexuality and cannot get anything done productively. I need to know if I am bi or heterosexual can you please give me a good answer?
thank you

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Robin Lee
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Hi Ken Wat and welcome to Scarleteen,


it's not unusual or bad for straight people to have had some same-sex sexual experiences. A lot of people do. Just engaging in sexual activity with someone of the same sex doesn't make someone gay, just as a guy engaging in sexual activity with a girl doesn't make him straight. Sexual orientation is separate from what people do sexually.


Having said that, I do think it's important to say that what you're describing here, with having that sex pushed on to you, sounds more like sexual assault or abuse than sex that you willingly participated in. I'm not sure if you mean that this older kid pushed the sex on you physically, or if they kept badgering you to agree until you gave in, or if they did both, but any way you slice it that is assault.


This really doesn't sound like activity you agreed to do of your own free will.

I'm going to give you some reading material on sexual orientation, and on abuse, so that we're on the same page here with this conversation.

Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault


The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone

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Robin

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ken wat
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Hello, the important part is that I did do that when I was 12, but what im worried about is that it felt ok, but at the same time I felt uncomfortable because I was doing something with a guy. That experience had led to not wanting to do it again. I dont know if I liked it or not. Also I wasn't attracted to the person I did it with. What i'm wondering overall is if im bisexual or straight.

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kenty

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September
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I think what Robin was trying to get to by bringing up the issue of sexual assault is that this is something that was done to you, rather than something that you freely chose to engage in. And if it was something that you had no interest in, and something that you would not have sought out of your own accord, then it does not say anything about your sexual orientation.

However, even if you had willingly engaged in this sexual encounter, that still does not say anything about your sexual orientation now. Sexual orientation is about who we feel attraction to, not about things we do, or have done in the past. One instance of same-sex sex does not a homosexual make.

Do you find yourself feeling attracted to men now at all? If you don't, then you're not gay.

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Johanna
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ken wat
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thanks joey
The thing is that I am unsure if this was sexual assault something that I did out of free will. I was only 12 back then and I had never thought of doing gay sex. However when one night my friend suggested it to me I just let it happen, having little knowledge in the idea, and also out of curiousity. However doesn't it matter if you like the sex or not, doesnt that determine your sexual orientation? Also I have never been attracted to a guy before. And throughout my life I have only been attracted to girls. I just don't know what it means to like the sex. It is natural to feel good when pressure is put on a private part. That part was ok, however I felt uncomfortable in doing it with a man, and its not something that I would do now, so I am unsure if i "liked" it or not. And this has led me to question my sexuality.

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kenty

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September
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Alright, so this happened with a friend, and happened out of curiosity and sexual exploration? Know that experimentation like that among children and young adults is pretty typical, as well. A lot of children and young adults engage in sexual exploration and games like that out of curiosity, and that also does not say much about someone's sexual orientation.

Also, what you said about physical stimulation is spot on: it is perfectly possible for a body to respond in that way even in a situation were, mentally, we do not feel attraction or arousal.

So, what is most important in determining sexual orientation is figuring out who you feel attracted to. If you say that you are not attracted to men now, then you probably are not gay.

Moreover, YOU are the only one who can determine what your sexual orientation is. And if you do not identify as gay or bisexual, if you in fact strongly identify as straight, then that's what you are.

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Johanna
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Heather
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Ken: you know, I think that a good way of thinking about what orientation we are is to compare it to what religion we are (or are not).

For example, is someone Catholic because they go to a Catholic Church service once? I don't think most people would say so. Rather, they'd say someone is catholic when they make a choice to become Catholic, to make that way of thinking and living life their life, and when they call themselves Catholic.

Same goes with orientation: make sense?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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yes thank you very much for both of your responses, say for example when i did it at 12 i liked it, however I dont want to do it right now, and I have no attraction to men throughout my whole life, would that make me bi or straight? Also my second part of the question, should I tell my lover about this?
Also, do you think she will understand?

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kenty

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Heather
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We're not really "made" an orientation.

Rather, what our orientations is is what we say it is, based on our own feelings, attractions and what we feel our own sexual history has shown us.

So, the best answer to "does this make me bi or straight," is, no, because one sexual experience, of any kind, doesn't "make" us anything. WE decide what our orientation is.

What a person tells partners or lovers about their sexual history is up to them. But I would hope any of us would only choose to be intimate with people who accept us as we are, which includes being accepting of our sexual histories.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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I am just really confused. I did gay sex once, but people say if I liked it, I am most likely bi. However I only physically liked it, and i felt uncomfortable and awkward on the emotional side, which is a large part of the reason why I am not going to do it again. I just want someone to tell me if I am most likely straight or most likely bi so I can tell myself that and I can stop thinking about something that happened when I was 12. Again, I have never been attracted to men, and for women I have been attracted did sexual things, did emotional things and liked it all. I want a family and kids with a girl. I cannot imagine, and feel grosed out about kissing a guy cuddling with him or even having sex with him. However this one time I did it it felt fine, except for the fact that I was uncomfortable, I just dont know if i "liked" it or not.

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kenty

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Heather
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Then those people are uneducated and misinformed about orientation. In a lot of ways, one of the biggest being that no one else gets to assign us an orientation: that's for us to decide, about ourselves and for ourselves.

I can't tell you what your orientation is because that is not for me, or anyone who isn't you, to do.

But what I can tell you is that how we feel about one given sexual experience -- or sexual abuse, since it seems unclear which this was -- generally does NOT give us the information we need to decide our orientation. That's generally something we decide based on our WHOLE sexual history, to date, and even more so, based on whom we find we generally feel attracted to.

So, let's try this on: what do YOU say and feel your orientation is?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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I feel that my orientation is straight, because I have been attracted to females all my life and have dated many of them. I have not been attracted to males my entire life. However I had this one experience that I dont know what to think about it as. However that one experience has led me to not want to do it again. I feel that I really love my partner right now. And also that I am exclusively straight. Because I will never do anything gay again, at least I dont want to

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kenty

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Heather
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Then that's what you know your orientation is for now: you feel that you are heterosexual, and that's how you want to identify. So, that's who you are.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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thank you for all your help heather, I have been thinking about this for a long time, and keep on going back to it, is there any way to stop this, so I can focus on my studies?

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kenty

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Heather
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Well, what do you think is bothering you most about it?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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how i may have enjoyed the gay sex back then, because i think that makes me bi... and I am scared... but also a part of me tells me I didnt enjoy the gay sex, so i just go around in circles

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kenty

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Heather
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Let's try this on.

Let's say someone, one time, enjoys sex with bondage. Does that mean they'll always like it? That they'll always want to do it? That bondage is now, and must be, a huge part of who they are?

Or, we can take this outside of sex period, and go back to my church example: if someone goes to a catholic church service once and likes it, does that mean they must be Catholic? What if they also go to a synagogue and like that, too? Does that mean they're Jewish? Or that they must be both of those things, or can't be either, because they enjoyed one service at each?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Just FYI? Even if you were saying now you wanted to identify as bisexual, and felt you were bisexual, that wouldn't be anything to be scared of. It's not less okay to be bisexual, homosexual, or any other orientation than it is to be straight.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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however, i thought sexual desires were permanent, especially when it came to gay or straight sex
once you enjoy it doesnt that mean you will enjoy it the next time and forever on? However I do not want to do this again... and I didnt emotionally like the guy and I felt uncomfortable could this mean I didnt like it... Im just so confused, because i love girls im straight, but if i liked gay sex, that means im bi. you are a sex expert. Are there people who liked gay sex, then later on didnt like it. or someone who liked straight sex and later on didnt like it?

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kenty

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Heather
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No. In fact, what we know about human sexuality is that it is very fluid, and quite often changes throughout life.

What we also know is that, for example, someone being attracted to one woman doesn't mean someone is attracted to all women, or women in general. Someone liking something sexual one time doesn't mean they always will, and sometimes someone can like something one time and find they never like it again!

"Gay sex" or "straight sex," are problematic terms, because sex can't have orientation, only people can. (You can see what a problem that is if, for instance, someone who identifies as gay has sex with someone who identifies as straight: which kind of sex was it then? See? Broken.)

You seem to keep holding on to a broken framework here: to a way of thinking about sexual orientation that just isn't right; that isn't how sexual orientation is defined.

Have you read this yet, so you can start to get some accurate information about orientation? The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone

[ 08-13-2013, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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thank you, so i guess if i liked it i was going through a phase, because right now I dont like it and would never do it just thinking about it turns me off. I feel like I am straight. and love women. I think I should no longer worry about this, its not what i liked when I was 12 its what I like now correct? Thank you and if I have another question I will post it here.

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kenty

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Heather
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I don't even know that I'd say that: trying something once is...well, trying something once. When we talk about something being phase, we're generally talking about something going on for more than say, a few minutes or an hour in someone's life, but instead weeks, months or years.

Again: how you identify your orientation is what it is. THAT is how we know what someone's orientation is: by listening to what they tell us it is.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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Yes, so I believe I am straight is there any reason now to think more about this subject, right now I look at the gay sex as an experience that I did and I felt uncomfortable that is the reason why I don't want to do it again, and also that if I tell this to my partners they should understand. I identify as ni or gay if I do it more times right?
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Heather
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I feel like there's still something you're missing here or won't let go of.

There is no number of times where engaging in sex with a person of a gender "makes' anyone a certain orientation.

What orientation we are isn't even about us having sex at all. It's about to whom we, throughout our lives, or up to this point in them, we have generally found ourselves to FEEL emotionally and sexually attracted to in terms of gender. And then, what we decide, based on those feelings.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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Ok I got it so throughout my life I feel attracted to woman so I'm straight?

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kenty

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ken wat
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But doesn't liking or not liking a certain type of sex such as liking a type.of sex such as one with a man or one with a women make one more straight or more gay? Doesn't liking sex with one.gender indicate a preference.towards one

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kenty

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Cosima
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Hi Ken Wat!

I am on board with Heather,Robin,and Joey about your situation.

We're both the same age so I can somewhat relate to what you're going through.

Now I am aware what I'm about to say may not be a major as what you experienced; but when I was 14 had my first kiss with a girl.

Now I am what you call as straight I am attracted to males and only males.

So even though my first kiss was with a girl, that does not mean I am attracted to girls or want to be involved with them(romantically or sexually).

Now I am fully aware that sex and kissing are two separate things; and I am not trying to compare the two because there impossible to do so.

As far as same-sex experiences go I can relate.Now I think the issue your having here;(Correct me if I am wrong.)Is that your thinking since you had that experience that must make you bisexual or gay.

It does not. Just because you may have enjoyed(physically) the act does not make you gay or bisexual.

As Heather said having any type of sex is does not define your sexuality or sexual orientation. That is up to you decide.

For example my kiss which I enjoyed my kiss(physically)I did not let it define me.
Meaning it was a kiss I enjoyed it but it did not make me want to start a relationship girl, or have sex with or girl. Nor it did not turn me into a lesbian or bisexual it was kiss though I enjoyed it. It was a kiss I left it at that.

To add to what Heather said sexuality is fluid in all types of way. One experience does not define our sexuality. Like you said you identify straight and you only like females. Then that's it and one same-sex experience does not change what you like or what you identify as.

Regarding needing someone to tell you what you are and how you identify is what YOU have to do. Myself or no one else can tell what you are. Only you can.

Sex and Orientation don't even go together. Sex is sex. Orientation is about who we are attracted to(emotionally,sexually,physically,romantically to.)We choose as what we identify as based upon what we feel inside.

As for you telling your partner about this experience. Its up to you whether or not you want to disclose that. I would like to believe if were becoming intimate with someone we should feel comfortable to disclose are sexual history and pasts

Lastly I am so sorry if you had to go through this if it was not really your decision. As we've said our what we do sexually(regardless of how many times we've done it) does not defines us or sexuality or orientation. Its up to the person themselves to define that.

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To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

— e. e. cummings

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ken wat
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Wow... I see so if this sex gave me no desire to go back, that must mean that I didn't like it. And now I am confident to identify myself as straight. Part of the reason I have been worrying so.much is that if I tell my partner that I had sex with a man and liked it physically but no emotions and was uncomfortable, her not having the same experience as you all will start to assume I am gay or bi.

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kenty

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Cosima
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Sorry I posted so late. [Smile]

I understand but like I said and what we all been saying is that,if you identify as straight and have never been or will ever be attracted to men then one same-sex experience from your past does not change that. It was experience and that's it period.

As for you telling your partner I think if she really loves you and cares for you then I don't think she should put too much thought into it.

To me I think honesty is always the best policy. That if you really feel comfortable with your partner you should be able to be honest with her without worrying a whole lot if she is going to think you're bisexual or gay(I understand why you are.)

If she really knows you and loves you then she shouldn't really care one way or another. Obviously you love her very much and you want to be with her, and one same sex -experience is not going to change that.

I hope I was able to help you. [Smile]

[ 08-14-2013, 01:59 AM: Message edited by: Cosima ]

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To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

— e. e. cummings

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ken wat
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I see however my question is if someone physically liked the same sex experience, but was uncomfortable emotionally and did not have feelings or attraction to the guy. Does that mean anything, does it mean something if I liked it physically? It felt good , but the reason I will not do it again is that I felt uncomfortable doing it with a guy

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kenty

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Cosima
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No it doesn't mean anything. If you physically liked it, that's it period. That does not mean you want to do it again. Since you were not comfortable with it(emotionally or mentally.) Then chances are you are most likely not going to do it again.

[ 08-14-2013, 04:53 AM: Message edited by: Cosima ]

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To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

— e. e. cummings

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ken wat
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Ok I'm just gonna think it like this, I did a gay experience when I was 12 and since I didn't like it I don't do it anymore however I'm not ashamed of it because it helped me know who I am and what I like to do better. Thank you all

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kenty

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Cosima
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That's right and there is nothing else to it.

Have a wonderful day. It was lovely talking to you.

[Smile]

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To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

— e. e. cummings

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ken wat
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I am sorry, but I have been a little bit false about my experience that happened when I was 12. I was thinking about it and I started to remember more and more. It didn't just happen once. It happened once again about a week later, however this time, I was uncomfortable with the idea, however the other person just kinda put it in, and it didn't feel so bad so i just went with it. Again I did not have any feelings or emotions for this person and mentally i still felt uncomfortable, that is why since that those days when I was 12 I don't do it anymore. Now I think of it and am still very ashamed. Because I tell myself that I didn't like, but I let it happen again, and I enjoyed it physically. Still, I have never been attracted to a guy in my whole life. And have been exclusively attracted to girls. However could doing the gay sex a second time when I was 12 mean something? Like I actually like it? If I did like it what does it mean now? Maybe I did like it when I was 12, but now I would never do it, and doing anything with a guy just disgusts me now. I'm just really confused why I would do the gay sex again. I was young, and I had little control over it and my physical desires. Can someone help me again to lead me in the right direction? And also I cannot stop thinking about this incident. Really I need to stop focusing on this so I can do other things and focus on them. Someone can you just please help.
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ken wat
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Also in the days in between the gay sex, there were touch sessions, but I didn't let it lead to sex, because I didn't want to do that. However the touching felt good, but emotionally again i didn't like the guy, and mentally it still felt awkward doing it with a guy. However since I had a strong sexual desire back then, I did like the touching. Now I am ashamed because I did this, and me right now would never do touching or sex, or even do anything with a guy. I know I am straight right now, but can this week, of two times gay sex and touching, mean something?
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