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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » worried?!? (Page 2)

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Author Topic: worried?!?
Heather
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You are not at risk of going to jail unless there's something I don't know about this case.

It isn't your job to provide sex for people when it isn't what you want: that isn't anyone's job. It's also not your job to make people happy at your own expense: again, that's not anyone's job, and that's also not healthy for you (or anyone). Same goes with putting yourself before everyone else, always: that's not healthy, either, and again, for anyone.

If you haven't mentioned feeling like it was your job to make him happy, I hope you bring that up with your advocate. has she arranged for any rape counseling for you at all yet? This is certainly something you should get some help unpacking and working through.

I'm okay to read your story if you want to post it, but I am about to head off for the day. So, if you don't feel okay about it sitting and not being read until tomorrow, you might want to wait until I'm back around tomorrow. I know it can feel a little weird to tell a hard story and feel like it's just gone into the void without notice.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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I plan on seeing a counseling i think it will really help me. I have not told my advicate that i felt like it was my job. I have wanted to but when i meet with her i forget [Razz] . I will wait tell tomorrow to post it. I have a cardiologist apt tomorro so i will be gone from 8am-4pm my time. It is 8pm here now. Will you be on when i am back or should i post it in the morning and then read what you have to say after?

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Heather
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I probably will be gone when you're back, so perhaps the day after next? I'm usually here days only, and really need to limit my work hours to days.

I would make sure to tell your advocate you feel that way. Perhaps you could write it down somewhere so you can remember?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ok ya i will wrote it down and i wll wait tell wednesday to post it. Can you mabye on wednesday ask me how my day was yesterday or something so I know that your on and would be able to read my story?

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Heather
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I'm happy to pop in and let you know I'm here, no trouble. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ok thanks I will talk with you on wednesday! [Smile]

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Robin Lee
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Diamond,

I'm also good with reding your story if you would like me to.

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Robin

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foreverbroken
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ok [Smile] will you be on for a while if i post it now?

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foreverbroken
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or will another time be better?

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foreverbroken
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i am not going to post my story tell i get a confirm that someone is going to read it soon and respond. I am gone all day tomorrow tel 5pm my time. it is 9pm my time now. So let me know PLEASE [Smile]

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foreverbroken
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Robin and Heather I will post my story tomorrow just let me know when your on! [Smile]

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foreverbroken
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I am back from my apt and am ready to share my story and ask some questions regarding sex

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foreverbroken
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should i post my story and my questions about sex on this thread or start a new one?

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Heather
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This one is fine, diamonddust. [Smile] And I'm around all day today, just be aware that from tomorrow through Sunday, the boards will be on a break, so we can all get some self-care and also take care of other parts of the site.

So, if things need to go longer than today with our conversation, we'll have to pick things up again on Monday.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ok sounds good. Everyone needs to get break and have time for them selves.
I was stupid and invited a guy i met online to my dorm room. All i had in mind was watching a movie. Well he had more in mind then just that. Within 5 mn of the movie starting he was forcefully kissing me and not just normal kissing. He was bitting my lips to. he then preseded to go to my neck and bit me and kiss me which left a brusie. with this happening he began touching me there with my pants on. That was not enough for him so he took off my pants and started touching me forcefully and began fingering me is what people call it i think. That still was not satisfying him. the whle time i lay still motionless not knowing what to do. Then he takes off hsi pants and began raping me. I was scared this was my first time he took my virginety away from me. I was able to get away i put my pants on and ran to a friends room. I thought I was safe he was a military man, is a fireman and he is a paramedic. So noone would think he could hurt someone like that. I went to the hospital right away had a rap kit done. I had to take medication to prevent and STDs or pregancy. I am filling charges. there was dna evidence that it happened. I am scared i have been ignoring what happened and blocking it out of my mind. I want him to pay but i didnt say no so he maybe thought is alright. His lawyer sent over a private invesigator to come talk to me on 3 weeks ago. I called my advicate she was not in so i talked to a different one and she said to not talk to him it could harm my case. I also called my detective thats on the case for me and he said not to talk to him. I did just that. It is not me against him its the state against him. i am trying to foget that it ever happened and ignore everything in my mind. I feel like crying sometimes but i cant. Is it healthy to ignore it and pretend nothing happened? I need advic.

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Heather
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Well, ultimately, it's not going to be something you can just ignore or forget. In order to heal, you're going to have to deal with it. Sexual abuses or assaults -- any kind of abuse or assault or other serious trauma -- just isn't something we can forever put out of our minds.

That said, when we're assaulted or abused, we can have a range of emotions and reactions.

People kind of "not dealing" with it for a while is certainly one common reaction, and it's not like anyone even could deal with it all at once, even if they wanted to. So, feeling how you feel for a while, reacting how you are, isn't something that's unhealthy. It's also clear from doing things like sharing your story, you're really not just totally shutting this out, but are taking steps to try and get some help healing.

You'd mentioned you'd connected with RAINN and other rape support organizations already, too, and you also reported and have been going through a legal case with this, so I don't think it's fair to yourself to present this as you ignoring this, you know?

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you.

What would you like help talking or working through around this today?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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I honestly do not know. I tend to ignore my feelings towards the rape. RAINN i had a bad expeience with so i am hesident to go back there. I guess figuring out how to not ignore my feelings and not be so closed off from this? I have a hard time being close to someone besides my dad. Phsically close is really hard it brings back memories. I have some sleeping meds that help me fall asleep and stay asleep which is really nice. I am getting some sleep. [Smile] Do you have any ideas or questions for me?

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Heather
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Well, when are you starting your rape counseling?

I ask, because once you can begin that, you're going to have someone to help you through all the steps of this, who can guide you in being able to work through your trauma rather than shutting down.

But in the meantime, just talking about it as you can to people you can trust, like you're doing here, is a big step that usually goes a long way. If you don't keep a journal, writing down your feelings in a journal can also be very helpful.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Also, since RAINN wasn't a good fit for you, do you know about Pandy's? Personally, I think they're the best web-based org in the states doing work with survivors specifically about sexual abuse and assault.

Their forums might be a really good pairing for you with ours (and maybe when our boards are on break, they could be a good place for you to talk with someone if you need to).

They're here: http://www.pandys.org/

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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thanks! I will defently give them a try! Ya i was on RAINN and wanted to talk about what happened and they said i cant come obn here anymore and they disconnected the chat. I will let you know how that site works for me. I will start as soon as we find one and get things worked out with paying for it. So Id say probaly 3 weeks.

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Heather
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So, maybe making a plan of some things you *can* do in the next three weeks would be helpful for you?

If so, happy to help you do that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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id love some help [Smile] thanks!

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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So, how does something like this sound:

Every day:
- write or draw in a journal about how you're feeling about your rape, as little or as much as you'd like, even if on a given day what you write is "I just do not want to deal with this today."
- Find something you can say to yourself in the morning and at night that supports you in your healing (we can work on coming up with something today if you want).
- Do something physical that DOES feel good and safe, like taking a walk, doing some stretches, a long bath, whatever feels good to you.

Once a week:
- Work on writing out a plan for what you want out of the counseling you'll start soon.
- Look at your journal for the week before and just feel how you feel about it, maybe writing more about that in the journal, too.
- Do something nice for yourself each week that you can do and afford: just something special as far as your self-care goes.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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those sound really good. I will give them a try! [Smile] and what can we come up with to say in the morning and at night?

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Heather
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Well, can you give me an idea of what you'd say, lets' say, are your three-ish biggest challenges right now?

It sounds like one is the idea that to deal with this, you have to ignore or forget it.

Sounds like another one might be that you're getting messages from some other folks that your rape was your fault.

The other day, you brought up feeling like this man victimizing you was about you making him happy: I bet we could find a way to work with that to help you start getting out of that way of thinking.

Those sound like biggies? If not, what does? If so, anything you'd say that's big for you I missed?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ya those soubd like ones that id love to work on and not think in that way or try to not forget or ignore that it happened.

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Heather
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You know, one phrase that I find has been helpful for me sometimes in my own life is this one: "My history is not my destiny."

In other words, everything that has happened to us in our lives is certainly part of who we are and who we have and will become. But with that "who we become" part, that history isn't written for us. In other words, if, for instance, part of our history involves being abused or assaulted, that doesn't mean that evermore we are victims or will always be abused or assaulted. We can work with that history to have it instead help us learn and develop other parts of ourselves, like our strength or resilience, like our ability to understand other people who have suffered trauma, like our value of the things we can control in our lives.

Not sure if something like that would help you, but there it is, just in case.

Some other phrases that might help around things like these, and with the aim of not trying to forget (which again, is a useless endeavor anyway), might be things like this:

- I am responsible for only those things which I actually do and choose, not for things other people choose to do against my will or without my consent.

- I am capable of holding even the hardest of my experiences, and putting them in the light, and can hold and see them without breaking. I am strong and capable.

- Suffering or participating in my own suffering or the suffering of others does not make anyone happy: it only keeps all of us suffering. I am entitled to happiness and so is everyone else, but not at my own or anyone else's expense. Happiness does not work that way: that is not what happiness is.

- It is my job to care for myself and others, within limits. It is not my job to give anyone and everyone everything they want from me just because they want it, and I do not serve myself or others well by doing so.

- I can always treat myself with love, even when others do not.

?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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Its hard for me to treat myself with love. I have a hard time loving myself. I know i cant control what others do and that is hard for me to relieze. I need to be happy and if that means saying no to sex if that makes me happy and the other one not then its ok i need to take care of myself first? I have always put myself second and others first. I think i need to leard how to put myself frist and others second once in a while! I like all the ideas that you have givin me and i will deffently try them and let you know how it goes. [Smile]
Can i still come back after i get into conseling?

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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I'd actually say that we can't really put other people first if we can't do it for ourselves. An inability to care for ourselves, not knowing how to do that, means we can't possibly know how to give others care well, either.

But around rape, please know that raping people doesn't make anyone happy. It's not something happy people do, it's something people with serious mental health problems do. So, no on in a rape situation -- victim or perpetrator -- is "happy," if mental well-being is something we consider part of happiness, which most people do.

Glad these ideas seem like things you can try, I hope they help.

And by all means, you're welcome to talk here while getting counseling. We also are always happy to work with people's counselors, if everyone wants to do that, to make a team effort to serve everyone as best we can.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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my rape was not violent so i feel like it really cant be classified as rape. I have a restraining order on him and have no problems with it which is a good thing. I know i cant make people happy if its going to harm me in any way. I have a hard time making myself happy. I am good at doing that for others. I make them cards, or braclets, or get them some candy. Something small but it goes along way. I wish someone would do that for me sometimes, yet it never happens. By making others happy makes me happy. Does that make sense? And i am glad i can still be on here when i am getting one on one inperson conseling.

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Im always abandond

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Heather
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Rape, or sexual assault, is what is going on when a person engages in some kind of sex without the other person's express consent or against their will.

I don't know what your definition is, but that is the federal definition of rape, and what those of us who work in these fields classify as rape. And, if it helps, as someone who was sexually assaulted once very violently, and then without physical force or violence, while they are different in some ways, it was pretty clear to me that they were the same thing.

Also? You can't get a restraining order against someone who hasn't shown they have done you harm or intend to do you harm. There's one way some rape survivors react, called minimizing: that's when they try and make their assault something smaller than it was or deny what it was. You might be doing some of that here.

I don't think it's a bad thing for experience happiness when you have made others happy or done them a kindness. Where problems arise though, is if that's the only way someone can feel they have any value, and/or if someone lacks the ability to be feel of worth and value without that. (Or feels that the only way they can have worth is by satiating -- different than happiness -- others.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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One more thing?

If and when we send clear messages that our own self-care doesn't matter, that we feel others should always be put first, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In other words, we can find others go right along with that and don't put us first or see that our own self-care matters, because we have given them a very clear message with our own behaviour that it doesn't. [Frown]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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what does self-fullfilling prophecy mean? Ya that makes sense of needing to learn to make ourself happy with out the use of others. Its hard tho. I think i am minnamizing it. How do i not do that?

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Heather
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It means that sometimes we can say "Oh, that's just how it is," and in saying that, we contribute to making sure that's what keeps happening.

If you've lived all of your life not knowing how to feel okay about yourself unless you're doing something for someone else, that's the kind of unlearning process ongoing therapy can be great for. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Oops: just realized you might have meant how do you stop minimizing.

If so, you're already taking all of the steps to move forward you can, and it's also okay to be just reacting to this as you are when it's happened so recently. We don't need to shove ourselves out of temporary stages that are part of our processing unless we're really stuck in them for a while, and/or the way we're dealing is doing us or others harm.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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