posted
Well, ultimately, it's not going to be something you can just ignore or forget. In order to heal, you're going to have to deal with it. Sexual abuses or assaults -- any kind of abuse or assault or other serious trauma -- just isn't something we can forever put out of our minds.
That said, when we're assaulted or abused, we can have a range of emotions and reactions.
People kind of "not dealing" with it for a while is certainly one common reaction, and it's not like anyone even could deal with it all at once, even if they wanted to. So, feeling how you feel for a while, reacting how you are, isn't something that's unhealthy. It's also clear from doing things like sharing your story, you're really not just totally shutting this out, but are taking steps to try and get some help healing.
You'd mentioned you'd connected with RAINN and other rape support organizations already, too, and you also reported and have been going through a legal case with this, so I don't think it's fair to yourself to present this as you ignoring this, you know?
I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you.
What would you like help talking or working through around this today?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I honestly do not know. I tend to ignore my feelings towards the rape. RAINN i had a bad expeience with so i am hesident to go back there. I guess figuring out how to not ignore my feelings and not be so closed off from this? I have a hard time being close to someone besides my dad. Phsically close is really hard it brings back memories. I have some sleeping meds that help me fall asleep and stay asleep which is really nice. I am getting some sleep. Do you have any ideas or questions for me?
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
Well, when are you starting your rape counseling?
I ask, because once you can begin that, you're going to have someone to help you through all the steps of this, who can guide you in being able to work through your trauma rather than shutting down.
But in the meantime, just talking about it as you can to people you can trust, like you're doing here, is a big step that usually goes a long way. If you don't keep a journal, writing down your feelings in a journal can also be very helpful.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Also, since RAINN wasn't a good fit for you, do you know about Pandy's? Personally, I think they're the best web-based org in the states doing work with survivors specifically about sexual abuse and assault.
Their forums might be a really good pairing for you with ours (and maybe when our boards are on break, they could be a good place for you to talk with someone if you need to).
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
thanks! I will defently give them a try! Ya i was on RAINN and wanted to talk about what happened and they said i cant come obn here anymore and they disconnected the chat. I will let you know how that site works for me. I will start as soon as we find one and get things worked out with paying for it. So Id say probaly 3 weeks.
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
So, maybe making a plan of some things you *can* do in the next three weeks would be helpful for you?
If so, happy to help you do that.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Every day: - write or draw in a journal about how you're feeling about your rape, as little or as much as you'd like, even if on a given day what you write is "I just do not want to deal with this today." - Find something you can say to yourself in the morning and at night that supports you in your healing (we can work on coming up with something today if you want). - Do something physical that DOES feel good and safe, like taking a walk, doing some stretches, a long bath, whatever feels good to you.
Once a week: - Work on writing out a plan for what you want out of the counseling you'll start soon. - Look at your journal for the week before and just feel how you feel about it, maybe writing more about that in the journal, too. - Do something nice for yourself each week that you can do and afford: just something special as far as your self-care goes.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Well, can you give me an idea of what you'd say, lets' say, are your three-ish biggest challenges right now?
It sounds like one is the idea that to deal with this, you have to ignore or forget it.
Sounds like another one might be that you're getting messages from some other folks that your rape was your fault.
The other day, you brought up feeling like this man victimizing you was about you making him happy: I bet we could find a way to work with that to help you start getting out of that way of thinking.
Those sound like biggies? If not, what does? If so, anything you'd say that's big for you I missed?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
You know, one phrase that I find has been helpful for me sometimes in my own life is this one: "My history is not my destiny."
In other words, everything that has happened to us in our lives is certainly part of who we are and who we have and will become. But with that "who we become" part, that history isn't written for us. In other words, if, for instance, part of our history involves being abused or assaulted, that doesn't mean that evermore we are victims or will always be abused or assaulted. We can work with that history to have it instead help us learn and develop other parts of ourselves, like our strength or resilience, like our ability to understand other people who have suffered trauma, like our value of the things we can control in our lives.
Not sure if something like that would help you, but there it is, just in case.
Some other phrases that might help around things like these, and with the aim of not trying to forget (which again, is a useless endeavor anyway), might be things like this:
- I am responsible for only those things which I actually do and choose, not for things other people choose to do against my will or without my consent.
- I am capable of holding even the hardest of my experiences, and putting them in the light, and can hold and see them without breaking. I am strong and capable.
- Suffering or participating in my own suffering or the suffering of others does not make anyone happy: it only keeps all of us suffering. I am entitled to happiness and so is everyone else, but not at my own or anyone else's expense. Happiness does not work that way: that is not what happiness is.
- It is my job to care for myself and others, within limits. It is not my job to give anyone and everyone everything they want from me just because they want it, and I do not serve myself or others well by doing so.
- I can always treat myself with love, even when others do not.
?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Its hard for me to treat myself with love. I have a hard time loving myself. I know i cant control what others do and that is hard for me to relieze. I need to be happy and if that means saying no to sex if that makes me happy and the other one not then its ok i need to take care of myself first? I have always put myself second and others first. I think i need to leard how to put myself frist and others second once in a while! I like all the ideas that you have givin me and i will deffently try them and let you know how it goes. Can i still come back after i get into conseling?
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
I'd actually say that we can't really put other people first if we can't do it for ourselves. An inability to care for ourselves, not knowing how to do that, means we can't possibly know how to give others care well, either.
But around rape, please know that raping people doesn't make anyone happy. It's not something happy people do, it's something people with serious mental health problems do. So, no on in a rape situation -- victim or perpetrator -- is "happy," if mental well-being is something we consider part of happiness, which most people do.
Glad these ideas seem like things you can try, I hope they help.
And by all means, you're welcome to talk here while getting counseling. We also are always happy to work with people's counselors, if everyone wants to do that, to make a team effort to serve everyone as best we can.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
my rape was not violent so i feel like it really cant be classified as rape. I have a restraining order on him and have no problems with it which is a good thing. I know i cant make people happy if its going to harm me in any way. I have a hard time making myself happy. I am good at doing that for others. I make them cards, or braclets, or get them some candy. Something small but it goes along way. I wish someone would do that for me sometimes, yet it never happens. By making others happy makes me happy. Does that make sense? And i am glad i can still be on here when i am getting one on one inperson conseling.
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
Rape, or sexual assault, is what is going on when a person engages in some kind of sex without the other person's express consent or against their will.
I don't know what your definition is, but that is the federal definition of rape, and what those of us who work in these fields classify as rape. And, if it helps, as someone who was sexually assaulted once very violently, and then without physical force or violence, while they are different in some ways, it was pretty clear to me that they were the same thing.
Also? You can't get a restraining order against someone who hasn't shown they have done you harm or intend to do you harm. There's one way some rape survivors react, called minimizing: that's when they try and make their assault something smaller than it was or deny what it was. You might be doing some of that here.
I don't think it's a bad thing for experience happiness when you have made others happy or done them a kindness. Where problems arise though, is if that's the only way someone can feel they have any value, and/or if someone lacks the ability to be feel of worth and value without that. (Or feels that the only way they can have worth is by satiating -- different than happiness -- others.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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If and when we send clear messages that our own self-care doesn't matter, that we feel others should always be put first, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In other words, we can find others go right along with that and don't put us first or see that our own self-care matters, because we have given them a very clear message with our own behaviour that it doesn't.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
what does self-fullfilling prophecy mean? Ya that makes sense of needing to learn to make ourself happy with out the use of others. Its hard tho. I think i am minnamizing it. How do i not do that?
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
It means that sometimes we can say "Oh, that's just how it is," and in saying that, we contribute to making sure that's what keeps happening.
If you've lived all of your life not knowing how to feel okay about yourself unless you're doing something for someone else, that's the kind of unlearning process ongoing therapy can be great for.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Oops: just realized you might have meant how do you stop minimizing.
If so, you're already taking all of the steps to move forward you can, and it's also okay to be just reacting to this as you are when it's happened so recently. We don't need to shove ourselves out of temporary stages that are part of our processing unless we're really stuck in them for a while, and/or the way we're dealing is doing us or others harm.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
ya i have been taught to put the needs of others before myself. Should I talk to my counselor about that? And it happened march 26th so its been almost 5 months now. I feel bad for dumping all of this on you at once. I guess I am just scared and feel abandoned by loved ones. Im sorry. Sometimes i feel like crying at times nothing comes out. Like no tears is like i cant cry. I honestly am stuck and dont know what to do. Any ideas?
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
I don't feel dumped on, no worries. If and when I need limits with something, I'll ask for them.
I really think that you need to start with small steps. Why don't you take at least a few days to try the things we've already talked about. See how that goes. Then try and be patient for that counseling to start, which is really very soon.
I completely understand wanting to magically be "all better" from an assault quickly, but it's just not something that's possible. Healing from abuse and assault takes time, certainly more than a few months time, and a good deal of help and effort. We really can't rush it along: we've basically got to stay the course, and just try not to do things which set us back.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
ya and it doesnt help when somethings like this happened when i was 8 not rape but it was really hard and bad i will share that story as well if thats ok. Ya i am going to try that i am gettinr really excited for school to start.
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
I think since often sharing a lot like this is tough and people usually need some time to process it, and we're closing the boards for the break tomorrow, it's best to take a little time in between.
And that way too, if and when you tell that other story, we can be around to give you some support afterward.
But, I don't know if you know, but when we're raped or assaulted once, especially early in life, we're much more likely to be again. That's not because it's our fault, but it can be much harder for us to spot danger coming or know how to keep ourselves safe if we have experiences that teach us the opposite. That's all the more so if we never got any help or care around an assault or abuse.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
ya i will wait so I can get support after sharing my other story. I heard that its more lilely to get assaulted again later in life if you were already once. I didnt really know if its true or not. So i guess its true then. I have a hard time spoting danger and i am scared to let men in but on the other hand i want a relationship. So i am stuck. And question. Is it true that cold sores are herpes?
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
Maybe add "for now" to that "I am stuck." You're not stuck forever: it is absolutely possible to pursue sexual or romantic realtionships safely. You just need to learn, that's all.
Cold sores are a symptom of oral herpes, yes, and that's a virus people typically get non-sexually, just from basic contact with people growing up.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
ok i have had some cold sores before so it is not herpies then if i have never had sex besides being raped and i have not had one since i was raped.
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
If you have had cold sores, you have herpes: it's not a virus that goes away, and cold sores aren't the virus itself, just a symptom people with herpes get sometimes, particularly when their immune systems are stressed.
And again, most people don't get herpes from any kind of sex: most people get it from non-sexual contact with others.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Hi Diamond,
There are two different strains of herpes...the one that has cold sores on the mouth as a symptom is commonly referred to as oral herpes. A lot of people have the oral herpes, or HSV-1 virus, but never have cold sores, or have them on occasion. So, you might have the HSV-1 virus already. So, not everyone who has the virus exhibits cold sores.
HSV-1 isn't something to be too worried about; it's something a lot of people have, and again, as heather said, it can be contracted nonsexually.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4410 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
it was in a way and ya i know thats why i am waiting to share my other story when you guys are back on monday. I hope all of you have a great much needed break!
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
i am in a place where i dont know what to do or feel anymore. I am going back to school on the 23rd. I am excited since i will have freedom. But on the other hand i am really scared. Its the place where i was raped and i dont know how to face that.
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Hi Diamond,
yes, that is a scary prospect, though it does sound like you have more freedom and can be yourself more at school. How can we help support you with the scary part of it?
Have you made any progress finding a counsellor to work with?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4410 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
just talk to me be there for me. I really need some support,is that going to be ok, something you can do? I am trying to find one and i am really hoping i can see someone.
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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You know, many colleges now have sexual assault support groups and centers, sometimes led by fellow students, sometimes by faculty or outside agency staff or both. Have you checked into whether yours does or not?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Mine does not have any all tho I am starting counseling soon. Is it ok that I come here just to talk on how I feel and the process? Is it ok to still check in with me and be a support system? Please let me know. I am going back to school in two days and have soo many mixed emotions about it. Can I talk about them here?
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
My point is that your college might too, which I think would be something great to add when it came to your fears around campus safety.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I have checked once it happened and they didn't. I can check again and once a year there is a support group run by e center I am at. Is it not ok that I come here to or not. I am really confused. I really hope it is ok because I feel like I get some great support here which is what I need. I have friends hot lines and an advocates can go to, to. But it's always nice having more then one supporter in your support system. Does that make sense? So I really hope I am still able to come here
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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posted
I'm not sure I understand why you're asking this again.
Like we've said before, trying to help you find more resources isn't about us refusing to heklp in the way we can. It's about trying to give you as many resources to work with and get help from as possible, including this one.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Okay that makes sense and I will look I to the read more articles and self help books. I will also continue to use this to. Thanks for everything much appreciated
-------------------- Im always abandond Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2012
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