So, my mother and I had a mini debate today over dinner that not only terrified me but made me lose my appetite. I've already read some of the threads/topics similar to this one on Scarleteen; but I would like a direct answer to this topic, based on my history and my mother's.
My mother told me that yes, you could get a period and be pregnant. I told her that that was not true; and she said that when she was pregnant with me, she got a period and then became sick later on. Before I started to inwardly panic, I thought that this scenario might have been what had happened (she was on the pill and then it took her four years to get pregnant since that): she could have had sex close to the start of her period (maybe a week before?), got her period, and then got flu-like symptoms since then. When she said that, I started to panic on the inside; but I know for certain that you can't be pregnant and still have a period. I know it's biologically impossible unless there is a complication with the pregnancy.
Could someone please clarify me if I am misunderstanding of something? Though I am a perfect pill user, I often have those scary "What if I'm one of the x% of women for whom the pill does not work?" And my mother's story kind of terrified me; but I of course couldn't tell her that it did.
I know you get this question all the time; so I apologize for bringing it up again! Thank you for reading this post!
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 667 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
HI Copper86,
Some women do experience bleeding during pregnancy. It's not a period, as such, since the menstrual cycle stops for the duration of pregnancy. There are several causes for the bleeding.
The important thing to know though is that this is relatively rare. yes, it happens, but it happens seldom enough that we can still say with confidence that if you get a period at the time you expect a period, if it looks and behaves the way your periods normally do, then well, it's a period.
The birth control pill, as I think you know, has been found to be 92% effective with typical use and 99% effective with perfect use. Whenever we're having the kinds of sex that could lead to pregnancy, that small risk margin is just something that needs to be accepted and taken into account--or the decision not to have those kinds of sex can be made.
I know that this answer isn't as clear cut as one might like it to be, but the human body just has a mind of its own most of the time, so predicting what it will do is pretty tough to do.
Know, though, that in the vast majority of cases, getting a period (or withdrawal bleed for those taking the pill) when one expects it is a really good sign that one is not, indeed, pregnant. Know too that while sometimes the pill does fial to prevent pregnancy, it's also prevented pregnancy for hundreds of thousands of women over the last 40 years.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4405 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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Thank you so much for your fast response. I really didn't want to have that argument with my mother; for more than just her discovering the fact that I am sexually active and probably know more (maybe) about sex than she thought. I've definitely researched things like implantation bleeding and know that they are rare. I just really didn't want to hear what she had said about conceiving me and still "having a period"... And I of course wasn't about to ask, "Well, what was the flow like?"... It just made me really uncomfortable.
Thank you again for your statements of how effective the pill is. I have trouble "believing" that it works for me (maybe because it's "invisible protection," as one of your article sort of states); even though it has been two years. I've only really had vaginal sex twice, so maybe I'm just not used to it yet. Thank you so much for your very last sentence. That definitely made me feel better.
One other question I have that sounds quite odd to fathom but I'd still like your take on it is this: if the birth control pill did or did not work for someone's mother, what are the chances of the pill having the same effect on that mother's children? That certainly sounds odd to ask; but I was curious about this, since offspring get so many genetic similarities to their parents and often develop similar biological traits and/or behaviours.
Thank you again!
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 667 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
You know, I don't think there have been any studies done on the effectiveness of the pill for multiple generations of women from the same family.
And yes, I can understand that you didn't want to open the whole sexual knowledge can of worms with your mother.
For vaginal intercourse, and really for any genital sexual contact, condoms are always an option if they would help you feel more secure.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4405 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
I wish there could be studies like that! The pill had obviously worked for her; but it would be interesting to see research done on that. Of course I think more about this now that I am out of university and lack access to their libraries...
I know I would feel more comfortable with condoms as an additional back-up to the pill and withdrawal. I know two methods of protection are good; but three would probably make me feel more secure. I know I want to have sex and it feels good in the moment; but being a little paranoid and anxious, I worry afterwards regardless. I think it is in my nature to just stress over everything (university and just life issues made me always imagine the worst or get stressed to the limit); so I guess it would be no different with sex.
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 667 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Two methods of birth control are generally enough. Condoms and withdrawal aren't always an ideal combination as withdrawing quickly increases the chances that the condom could slip off.
You know, I think it's really important that sex feel good before, during, and after. Before: We feel good about the idea of engaging in sex with the partner we've chosen. During: Well, it's pleasurable and we're engaging in activities we want to engage in. After: No regret, but also no worry.
I say that to say that if you worry this much, is the sex right for you right now? Only you can decide that.
Also, as I said above, the pill has worked for thousands, maybe even millions of women over the last four decades.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4405 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
I also think that two methods are generally good. I can certainly see what you mean if withdrawal and condoms were used together like that... It's a good thing to know!
I agree with you regarding the notion that sex should feel good before, during, and after. I've been thinking about this and though I know my risk of pregnancy is quite minimal (I haven't missed any pills and he did not ejaculate), I think what really threw me was that he didn't use a condom when we had agreed on it. I still feel a little upset about that - not mad at him per se but just upset that no condom was used when that was what was agreed upon. He's certainly a nice person and I care for him very much; and I know I trust him, it's just that this whole situation knocked me for a loop.
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 667 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
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posted
What actually happened with the condom, copper? We don't have to talk about this if you don't want, but did you notice he didn't put one on? Did you two talk about it then?
-------------------- ~ Ray Scarleteen Volunteer
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. - Elie Wiesel Posts: 1231 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
Thank you so much for your response, Rei! I feel badly about bringing up this situation from another thread into a new one - I really don't want to take up anyone's time or be redundant! Here is a link to what happened:
I hope pasting the link was an okay thing to do! Thank you all for always being so helpful!
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 667 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
HI Copper,
In the thread you linked we talked about you having a conversation with your boyfriend for you both to come to agreements about what safer sex practices work in your relationship. Were you able to chat about that at all?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4405 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
It's fine to paste links here, and it's pretty helpful for us.
I agree with Robin in the sense that him not using a condom wasn't cool at all if he knows it's your preference. I'd just like to add that spraying water inside you vagina can increase the risks of vaginal infections, so it' not something we'd advise anyway. Here's an artcle on that: Douching
It sounds like it's definately time to set a boundary with your boyfriend about him always using condoms for all genital sex (if you haven't already); and all sex, period - unless you're both up to date with STI testing and are both in the clear. Another boundary to set with him would be having more communication before sex, so you don't wind up expecting oral sex when he's planning on engaging in genital sex. Does that sound good?
Here's an article about talking about consent to sexual activities: Driver's Ed for the Sexual SuperHighway: Navigating Consent. Ideally, one needs to give and seek consent before all kinds of sex. For example, if you're already engaged in manual sex (with hands) and either you or your partner want to switch things up to oral sex or genital sex - consent for that particular activity needs to be sought out and talked about, so nobody's lines get crossed like they have done.
[ 06-17-2012, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: Rei ]
-------------------- ~ Ray Scarleteen Volunteer
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. - Elie Wiesel Posts: 1231 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
Thank you so much! I appreciate your articles! I definitely think spraying water in there is a waste of time... I know that really doesn't do anything productive.
I really don't want to make it look like my partner did not have my consent for this activity... It was not as if we hadn't discussed having these different kinds of sex, the only detail he did that I did not agree with was his lack of use of a condom. Since I couldn't see what he was doing, that made me not know what type of sex we weree going to do - but he did have my consent for those types of sex.
We definitely want to use condoms for vaginal sex; and I'm currently working on asking for condoms for anal sex, too. Thank you so much for your response!
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 667 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
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I'm sorry I missed your previous post! I haven't had a chance to talk with him about that yet (we haven't had a chance to see each other since then); but when I do see him, I will discuss it and bring condoms as well.
(I don't know how to copy and paste text over my phone online, or else I would've put this post into my previous one. )
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 667 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
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And it's okay; it's clear to us that your partner had your consent for the genital sex, meaning this wasn't an assault. However, there being enough consent for sex not to be assault really is ground zero, you know? There's having consent so a sexual encounter wasn't an assault, and then there's having enough consent to make that sex completely emotionally safe, enjoyable and a super pleasant experience for you both. Does that make sense?
[ 06-17-2012, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: Rei ]
-------------------- ~ Ray Scarleteen Volunteer
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. - Elie Wiesel Posts: 1231 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010
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posted
Thank you so much for explaining consent in that way! I've actually never really considered consent to have a more "emotional" or subjective component - I've always thought consent was essentially saying "yes" or "no" initially to the sex and then telling a partner to stop or continue during the sex. Thank you for your help!
I also have a quick question regarding cramps. The type of birth control pill I'm on now gives me quite interesting cramps. I've been on it for nine months; and for the first month, the cramps were terrible (but my body was adjusting to the pill, so the first three months' worth of cramps were probably due to my switching). But now, I still get cramps about two weeks or less before my period is supposed to start. I usually don't care that much; as I see the cramps as my hormones working and they kind of reassure me; but sometimes they still get really bad. Could stress play a part in the frequency, duration, and severity of cramps? I graduated a few days ago, and I had very painful cramps that day. I was extremely stressed out and nervous, so it wasn't like my mood was helping anything!
I also sometimes worry if my cramps don't last as long as they normally do in my other cycles. Sometimes they can be off and on for days; but I might get concerned if they're less frequent (they're usually not bad at all and are completely manageable with something like Ibuprofen). Should I worry if my cramps are kind of varied like this? I did speak to my university doctor about this; and she told me that that was not a very nice side effect, and gave me some painkillers (I think Ibuprofen or Advil gel packs) to help me out. She didn't seem to think it was something wrong with me per se; and I know I can always switch pills if need be. I just like this brand and still have a six-month prescription for it that I'd like to keep going. I'm sorry that this post is so long!
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 667 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
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posted
Stress can really case a whole lot of physical reactions - so for sure if you're not feeling well or have cramps already it can amplify that crappy-feeling time. Can try some exercise, warmth (like with a heating pad) 15 minutes on 15 minutes off, eating a bit differently, drinking more water, etc.
Per frequency and duration, cramps will vary time to time and even day to day when you do and don't have them. Totally nothing to worry about, even if you have a month or two you don't get them at all unless your bleed doesn't show then you would want to test.
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3365 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Thank you so much! I notice that my cramps often get worse (or more noticeable) around nighttime and then when I wake up in the morning; especially when it gets closer to the end of my pill cycle. I'm already feeling a crampy/gross feeling that my withdrawal bleed will show up soon (I don't know exactly what to call it; but it usually has cramps and/or just an unpleasant, sick-like feeling). I just sometimes worry if my cramps don't last as long. Sometimes they'll even shift from cycle to cycle. I used to get them maybe only 10 days before my withdrawal bleed would start; and now I get them almost two weeks before it would start.
Thank you for your advice about the exercise and diet! I think I'll work on drinking more water. I drink a lot of coffee, and I think I've read somewhere that the caffeine doesn't help cramps. Thank you also for telling me that I don't always "have" to get cramps in a cycle. If I didn't (which hasn't happened yet, which would be why I'd worry), I'd be kind of concerned.
-------------------- "I do the best that I can. I'm just what I am." - Rush (Best I Can) Posts: 667 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2012
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