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Author Topic: I have no one to talk to about this... friend/relationship complications
IsidoleLandower
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So I have 2 best friends, they actually dated long before I met either of them, and I met them separately and at different times. Ironic, huh?

Sea I met a couple years ago, and she's the most incredible person ever. She's a very happy and upbeat person. She's definitely the closest friend I've ever had.

Then there's Kei, who is just another really good friend, but has a morose outlook on life and can sometimes really bring me down if I let him. But we're also super close and really need each other.


Sea went off on a 5 month "Semester at Sea" trip around the world, and Kei and I have become a lot closer. We hang out every other day or so, and spend a lot of time with each other and talk about a lot of things. We love each other as friends. Originally when we had started hanging out Kei tried to kiss me a couple times, but I told him I couldn't because Sea still had feelings for him even though she's been casually with other guys since. So we agreed to just be friends so Sea wouldn't be upset. Kei didn't care about Sea being upset, but he didn't want to lose me as a friend. He said Sea didn't have a claim on him anymore.

I told Sea he tried to kiss me because I felt bad about it, and she really was unhappy and said she really fell in love with Kei and still loved him, and that hearing that hurt her. (they dated over a year ago). Kei never talks about Sea, and the most I've asked him is what he feels for Sea. He said she'll always have a place in his heart, but he's not still in love with her...

So Kei and I have hung out and been best friends for about 6 months as opposed to Sea and I being friends for a year and a half.

A couple days Kei and I were hanging out. We had had some to drink and were running around outside in the dark. We were sort of playing hide and seek and he found me, and started gently kissing me on the neck, then on the lips and we made out a lot. It was so much pent up passion. We ended up kissing each other's entire bodies and making out all night and didn't get to sleep until 6am. It was incredible.

But now I'm faced with telling Sea and if she will be my friend anymore, or not being friends with Kei, (because I don't think we can go back to being regular friends without this happening again) Either way will absolutely break my heart because I love them both so much.
I could just not tell Sea, but I would forever have a guilty conscience and she'd know something was wrong.

I've been so depressed lately I haven't eaten for 2 days straight.

So how can I chose between friends? What other options do I have?

Help!

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Robin Lee
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Hi IsidoleLandower and welcome to Scarleteen.

First of all, get yourself something to eat or at least some juice or milk to drink. [Smile] Not eating can have a strong impact on mood, so while I know you feel so bad you don't want to eat, your blood sugar being low can also make you feel bad.

I think the first place to start is for you to talk to K about how both of you feel about what happened, and about what both of you want for the future. Have you and he talked at all? It's important for you to get a good picture of what's going on before trying to figure out what you're going to tell C.

Does that make sense?

I do hear that this is a tricky spot for you to be in, and having more information to work with will, I think, help clarify things for you.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
IsidoleLandower
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Thank you for your response, Robin.

I finally gathered the courage to talk to K about it. He said he liked "this" (We were cuddled together after making out), but he didn't say much else. We both find it difficult to talk about serious things sometimes.
But I don't think he wants a relationship or anything serious, he just wants a face to kiss and so on. I don't really want a relationship with him, either, but it's difficult because we're best friends who are pretty much dating without the title.

He said if it bothered me he would try to control himself and not kiss me anymore; he didn't want to hurt my relationship with Sea.

And I haven't been able to talk to Sea in 25 days. 5 emails from me and I still haven't heard back from her. I can't tell her about K & I if she won't respond to just regular "I miss you, (or) hey! Let me know if you're still alive" emails.

I feel like I should tell her mom, because she and I are very close. She's also super logical and very wise, but at the same time she's always on Sea's side because of course, Sea's her daughter.

I accidentally blurted out "I love you" to Kei, and he chuckled at me and said nothing in return. Which saying "I love you" in the past wasn't a big deal, cause we had no intimate stuff going on. And to be completely honest I only meant "I love you" as a friend, but he kind of freaked out. I explained what I meant, and realized from this how much our relationship has changed.

I think he just wants a face to kiss, and that really hurts me. I've been in a few "friend relationships" and actual relationships that turned into "I just want someone to get my horny-ness out on" and I became more or less a doll.

I've never been passionate about anyone and no one's ever been passionate about me. But I still don't like feeling like I've been used.

Whether we continue this stupidity or not, I still have to tell Sea.. but I still don't know how. I don't know how to stop this stupidity either, and still be friends with K. I don't know if I want to stop this... all I know is I'm just going numb to everything and feeling about a third of the things I used to feel emotionally. It's like my brain can't process emotion because of an overlying numbness...

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Saffron Raymie
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Sorry your reply was missed, Isidole.

I understand that you both find talking about serious things hard, but talking about relationships really is something that's essential for having relationships, if you know what I mean?

It sounds like you've experienced someone in past treating you like an object (a doll, as you put it), and I'm so sorry you went through that. Treating people like objects rather than people with their own sexualities is very unhealthy.

Have you thought about what you want from your relationship with Kei? I hear you, quite rightly, saying you don't want to be treated like an object. Do you think you can say this to Kei?

Gut instincts are usually spot on with these things, and I can hear you saying you feel Kei view you or want to treat you as an object. So, how about having that talk with him, and telling him that this really isn't okay with you?

I know you're worried about Sea being hurt at this stage, but I think what's more important first is making sure you are safe emotionally.

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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Here are some articles that might help you out:



--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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IsidoleLandower
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Member # 95422

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Thank you Ray.
I ended up talking to him about it, and telling him that I didn't want to mess around anymore because of Sea, because I was feeling used, and because I didn't want to like him too much. He said he understood, but our relationship is a bit tense now, sadly.
Thank you for your help, I read the articles.

Growing up in my house even saying the word "sex" was an abomination. So although I've come a long way from there, I still have even longer to go. I think you guys are amazing and have put together something just incredible for people. Thank you, thank you! I've been on and off this site for awhile and it's really helped me discover a lot of things I had no idea about, and in a comfortable environment.

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
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You're welcome! [Smile]

I completely understand; a lot of people have grown up with silence around sex. If you need help talking about sex with a partner in the future, feel free to come and talk it out with us, okay?

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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