posted
My partner and I have been together almost five years now. Quite some time ago, my sex drive seemed to disappear.
He asked me if I wasn't attracted to him anymore, and I told them that wasn't it. I don't know if that isn't it, or if I just don't want that to be the reason. I find that the hardest feelings to sort out are my own. Nothing happened for a while. Then he began asking, and he would never force it on me, but after so many refusals I could see how it was driving him nuts. Not just because of a want for sex, but because of a want for intimacy and to be close to me.
So I began doing something I know I shouldn't do. Giving in for his sake. Because I couldn't stand to see the look on his face, the sadness and disappointment, because I care about him and his feelings. It's basically become a cycle, he avoids asking until he can't stand it anymore, and I give in and try to zone out until it's over.
When I was into it, he used to be a great partner. He would always listen. The last few times, he's begun to ignore me. I might tell him I really don't want to do anal this time for whatever reason, and he either says "but I really want to" and I give in or occasionally just ends up doing it anyway. I confronted him about this he apologized and said he wouldn't do it again.
I don't think whats happening qualifies as coercion, though (Does it sound like I'm making excuses? Is that some sort of sign?) He doesn't just keep asking me until I give in. He asks and tells me how badly he wants to, but I am always the one to say I'll go through with it. And he's really trying to ask as little as possible, he doesn't like asking me either.
It is becoming slightly stressful though. I've begun avoiding my bedroom, or avoiding getting changed when he's over because I'm afraid it will make him aroused and I won't let myself say no.
It has crossed my mind that this relationship may not work if our sex drives are incompatible. I have considered telling him that I can't force myself anymore, and if he can't deal with it then he'll just have to leave me. But I can never do it.
And I can't break up with him. I couldn't bear to hurt him like that. I care about him, I want him to be happy. I am the only person he really trusts (his family sucks), he's so... emotionally fragile. He has no confidence, he blames himself for everything, etc. He's kind of dependent on me. Basically, it would wreck him and I love him.
I've noticed this is a tendency I have. I always put others before myself, and this goes double for relationships. I am extremely loyal and I would do anything for someone I care about. I was once in an almost year-long relationship where the guy was so distant he never even kissed me, asked me not to sit too close to him, (I suspect he has some serious personal space/intimacy issues) and made me generally pretty unhappy. I put up with it for ten months, and still I wasn't the one to break it off. I don't have it in me to do it to someone else. I know how much it hurts to be broken up with, and that was a ten-month pseudo-relationship. How could I do the same thing to him?
Besides, sex is only one part of the relationship. Why should I throw away five years because of just one part of it? He's always been there for me, to comfort me and hug me when I'm sad. To make me laugh or give me some advice.
I apologize because I know this is really long, and rambly, and not well organized and possibly obvious from an objective point of view. It's just because this has been going on for quite some time, and I'm trying to gather all my points and thoughts and put them all here. I'm afraid I'm going to forget something.
posted
No need to apologize. More information helps, not hurts. Snd what you posted here is all really important information to your situation.
What I'm hearing is this: a while back, your level of sexual desire for sex with this partner started to dwindle. You didn't know why.
Then a dynamic began which will usually cause desire to dwindle, even if it wasn't already (and which also starts to make fully consensual sex less likely or possible, because yes, nagging until someone gives in IS coercion): your partner started pressuring you.
Then you began having sex out of obligation, bowing to that pressure.
So, now, we know at least two things that are very, very likely to be responsible for diminishing desire, even if you hadn't already experienced it diminishing in the first place. And not only do these two things tend to have that effect, and make consensual sex mighty iffy, they're also likely to make it even tougher to figure out what was going on with your feelings in the first place.
So, it seems to me that the very first thing you need to do is to end that dynamic pronto, and be very honest about what's been going on here. I hear you saying he's like emotional china, but if that's the case, that's not a reason not to take care of yourself, or to keep unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. If he's THAT fragile that you can't have healthy limits and boundaries, then that means he shouldn't be in an intimate relationship like this at all, for both your sakes. Enabling someone never helps them.
I hear you saying you don't feel able to set limits around what's been going on and to be honest. If that's right, how about we talk to figure out what you need in order to be able to do that?
That's just step one, mind, but I think you need to take it before you can get to the other steps, unless you do just want out of this relationship.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I want to keep this relationship going, but this obviously can't continue.
How so I go about "ending the dynamic?"
I managed, barely, to refuse tonight and it didn't go well.
He was sleeping on the couch first (he has some sort of sleeping problem.) Then after I came back from supper I didn't see him. I went to my bedroom and there he was.
He asked if we could "do stuff" tonight.
I said I really don't want to.
He said "just for a bit."
I said "I don't want to do anything for a bit. I don't want to do it at all."
The conversation continues with much of the same for like an hour. I explain that I can't force myself anymore, and that this stuff just keeps making me more angry each time to the point where I want to turn around and scream at him, that I don't know how he can enjoy it while I so obviously don't.
There's a lot of tense silence in between all this, while I stand by the door trying to will myself to walk out. Sometimes I even say "no" straight up, but I just can't make myself leave. Finally he gets up to go to the bathroom and I go to get something.
When I come back, I open the door and ask if he's there, and I ask if he's going to ask me again. He says yes. So I say "then I can't come in. I can't do this again. I can't trap myself in here." I know if I go in there I'll feel like I can't say no and I can't leave, so I don't go through the door. I go to another room and and occupy myself with the computer.
After another long while it's getting late. I go into the room very briefly to tell him he should probably get ready to go home.
Then I sit in another room and play on my computer and after a long time he comes out. He gathers up his stuff, doesn't talk much. I follow him and open the door for him, trying to think of a way to make things better, but there's not much I can do. He leaves for home obviously in a bad mood.
So now nobody's happy. I feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn't. This is the first time I've been able to refuse, and it was a long, tedious process. This whole conversation, plus the silences and me leaving the room, probably spanned almost two hours.
It's also quite obvious to me now that it is coercive, because he just kept asking no matter what I said. But I'm not sure what to do about this. Obviously this isn't healthy but... does this mean the relationship is doomed?
So, just looking at this conversation, the biggie I'm seeing is that you said no, and your partner didn't accept it.
If you could do it all over again, what I'd suggest is that after you said no, and he asked again, you came back with something like, "I said no, so this conversation needs to be over. Now. Do not ask me again."
However, I hear you saying you told him you really didn't want to, but it sounds like...well, let me ask this instead: how much do you think he cares about if you earnestly want to or not?
By the way, no matter how this went, I hope you can give yourself props for standing your ground here. I'm sorry it didn't go well, but it sounds like that was a huge step for you, and it's certainly an important one. I also imagine that given how things have been going for so long, it was really challenging for you to do.
So, very, very, very good for you. Big props from me.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
He does care whether I want to or not. He tells me he feels bad, but he says just misses being able to be close to me.
I feel like I'm depriving him in the relationship sometimes because right now I'm happy with the closeness of sitting close, hugging and kissing type stuff. But he doesn't feel happy or as close to me since my sex drive disappeared. That is more of his preferred way of being close.
He says he hates himself for asking, and similar things. This is a sticky situation when he starts talking like that because he has kind of a history of low confidence and hating himself. That's why I find it hard sometimes to tell him he's doing something wrong. Instead of using his energy to try and turn things around, he focuses on getting upset at himself and it kind of spirals, and he thinks he's the worst person in the world or something and he can never do anything right. I've tried to help improve this in the years we've been together but it's a lengthy process.
It makes me happy that you think I deserve props for this. I feel like some people might think that I'm ridiculous, like I should be able to just say no and leave, like it's not that hard. But it is. I'm not totally sure I'll be able to do it again. I might just be inclined to give in this time because I refused that time. Or it might take another two hours for me to refuse.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2011
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posted
So, I need to be gone for the day, but will be back in the morning.
What I think you should think about tonight, if you get the time -- and then we can talk more -- is if you think that right now a sexual relationship (or the expectation of one) really is the right thing for both of you at this point in time.
In asking that, I'm not just asking about what you want and how it clashes with what he wants sexually, but also about if you think some of his low esteem and the dynamics that happen around that can really support a healthy sexual relationship.
My sense is it sounds like this isn't the right kind of relationship anymore at all, and that before he, himself, can have a healthy sexual relationship, he's got some work to do with himself, and then with interacting with someone else around this. But I'm not in this, you are, and I don't know him; you do.
So, what do you think?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
We've been together for I dunno maybe 8 months and we moved fast. I proposed to her and we can talk about anything and we're really close. She is the consummate assistant, companion, friend, buddy, cheerleader, ego-checker, and everything else important. she's got superior morals and a heart that is bigger than the house she lives in. However my love for her is inexplicably fading. yet if I were to dump her, I have this nagging feeling it would be the dumbest thing i ever did.
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