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Author Topic: am i being irrational?
georgiexx
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right, so i have no problems with my boyfriend having girls as friends, and i dont have a problem with him texting girl friends either. but i REALLY have a problem with him texting this one girl.
about 2 months ago i had a weird feeling and i had seen this girl pop up on his mobile and i could see the texts were quite long too. so one night i just thought, oh im just gonna look (which i know is bad and not fair of me to be going through his phone) but i did.

they had been sending each other really long texts, and they made me feel like, i dunno. i literally had a panic attack my heart was beating way too fast and i was shaking and crying, and i know it sounds over the top but thats how they made me feel. the texts were just like how he used to text me, when we first started seeing each other. they are the type of texts you send to someone you like, when you text all the time, like every day and tell them how your day went and ask them about their and put loads of smiley faces and he called her names like 'hun' and 'lovely'.

i confronted him about it, and i was quite obviously upset and he said he understood why i felt that way but asked if i could understand his side of things. that she is a new friend and he just liked texting her. he said i have nothing to worry about. but the thing is he takes hours to reply to my texts, and even when he does they are like 2 lines long. he never sends me cute texts anymore neither does he call me those affectionate names. his texts to me dont have the same enthusiasm in them that they do when he texts her.

anyway i thought maybe i was being silly and she was a new friend and they wernt texting as much anymore, but a couple days ago i was silly again and checked his phone just because i was curious to see if it had stopped. but it hasnt stopped, they are still texting every day, really long happy friendly texts, and i REALLY dont like it. i feel like hes grown too comfortable with me, and while im comfortable to him, im also boring, and now he has found some other girl to focus some attention onto because she is seperate and exciting. i have met this girl and she actually reminded me of myself, in the way she spoke and behaved. which just reinforces my feelings that he actually fancies this girl.

when i asked him why he wasnt very good at texting me back he said he 'doesnt like texting', but then why is he texting her so much? i feel like hes taking me for granted and taking advantage of the fact i hate confrontation and am very passive and just tend to accept things rather than say 'wait, no i dont like this and i wont stand for it'.

this is REALLY upsetting me, its making me panic, its making me feel like im not special to him at all. and i know this is only texting, but to me its quite an intimate thing. no one else can see (unless you spy on them like i did) and its private and he doesnt text me like that. i dont know what to do. i cant confront him again because he'll just say the same thing and get defensive which he did last time. and also because then he'll know i went through his phone. i believe that this girl fancies my boyfriend, and i told him that and he got annoyed and said "im tired of having to defend myself" though i didnt accuse him of anything.

i dont know what to do, i feel so down.

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Heather
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Can I check in with you about this relationship on the whole? It's been sounding for a while like maybe it's not working so well on a few levels, not just with something like this.

Can you give me something of a snapshot of the relationship as a whole, say over the last year? How much both of you seem to enjoy it and feel benefitted by it (or not), how it's growing or deepening (or not), and what issues there are which are problems or conflicts, or even just places one or both of you don't feel satisfied?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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well, he never really says hes unhappy with anything. he never says things are bothering him about our relationship, but then again its not like hes always saying how he loves it either. he has said to me how he loves that we rarely argue (though i think he believes its cos we agree on most things when really i just bottle things up and act like im fine when im not, i said how i felt sometimes we would argue more)

i like seeing him, and as far as im aware he likes seeing me too. he rarely tells me he misses or loves me unless i say it first, but then he does always say it back.

i feel like i actually talk to him a bit more about actual stuff, like before i used to act quite childish and funny and never be serious because i was uncomfortable sharing anything deeper. he used to get frustrated that i was always acting 'silly' and never serious. i think thats improved now.

we have a laugh together and we do enjoy each others company when we are together, we make each other laugh and i love that. so its not all bad.

there are things i dont like though. we rarely go out on dates together. whenever we go out its always with his friends, never just me and him together, almost feels like he wont enjoy himself just with me because he'll be bored which doesnt make me feel great. i get jealous of my friends who are in relationships because they go out on dates together regularly.

im very much part of his life but hes not really part of mine in the way that im very close to his family and im involved in most of his family events. im also very involved with his friends. but this is definitly not the way it is when its the other way round. he is never at my house, barely knows my family etc. i told him how it made me feel, and he got really upset (he actually cried) and said he hated that he made me feel like that and he was gonna try and make an effort. he then came with me out for a meal with my family for my mums birthday, but has said no to everything else after that so there hasnt really been a change.

i just feel like we are comfortable and theres no excitement. i always suggest doing things but it never happens. it feels like he doesnt feel the need to make an effort with me because he 'has me' and we have been together ages so theres no need. but i dont feel special or valuable to him at the moment.

my problem with sex is still the sa,e (if you remember) although we never do it unless i really want to. even then its not particuarly great i dont get any physical enjoyment from it.

i dont fele like we have a totally open and honest relationship. he talks about all his friends and if hes seen/spoke to them but he never mentions her. i also noticed in the texts that im never mentioned either.

sorry this is long.

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Heather
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No need to be sorry: I asked for that information and you shared it in some depth. That's helpful to me.

So, besides the fact that I think it's really important for people in couples to have privacy, including on things like phones. that Pandora's Box is already open, so it doesn't make sense not to deal with it.

I agree with you, saying he doesn't like texting when that's clearly not true in this case isn't sound. So, sounds like you do need to still talk about this, including saying it's clear that with this person he does like texting, so that's obviously not the issue.

It is sounding to me like he's not very engaged in this relationship in a lot of ways: like he's comfortable in it, but isn't really making any moves to keep it dynamic and to keep it growing deeper. So, it sounds like you'll also need to revisit, in discussion, things like having him be more engaged with YOUR life (your family and friends), so things are less one-sided, making an agreement to have regular dates alone (maybe scheduling one night a week that is always date night?), and then also maybe him striking a balance between the kind of time and energy he's giving his new friendship with the time and energy he's giving to you.

Do you feel able to have those conversations? If not, can you fill me in on what the barriers feel like?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Stephanie_1
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Georgiexx: The really tough thing I'm seeing here is that there not only are some things that if you want a relationship to work with your boyfriend you'll both need to work on together, but that he doesn't seem to be willing to really work on them. (I could be reading things wrong, but based on your post and your other posts) Times like when you mention feeling like you're giving a LOT more to a relationship than a partner, so they agree to make that effort to give more too, only to do something one time then not again after. Have you asked him why he turns down going to spend time with your family so often again?

I remember Heather mentioning counseling before,have you sought that out yet?

As well, it's generally not a good thing when a partner thinks everything's fine because we bottle our feelings up. Sure, there will be times when we do this - when both partners do - because it may not be an issue that's super important. So sometimes we make allowances for differences. But when you're feeling like your partner thinks everything's fine, and you're giving in more than not with a feeling you have to hide that you're doing so... then the relationship has a whole new dynamic. Part of that dynamic is where partners then can have a REALLY hard time fixing problems or even feel hurt by them because they may not have been mentioned before when they should have been.

So, can I ask if you're feeling the likes and dislikes are even, or one is more weighted in the relationship than another?

[ 06-09-2011, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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georgiexx
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i have a very hard time having those sorts of conversations, well not having them, but bringing them up in the first place. im a little scared of confrontation, but i know that sometimes arguing is good. well not arguing, but discussing issues. i have a feeling that if i bring these things up he will just say "you know i love you, you just need to stop worrying" because he has said things like that to me before.

i find it hard to figure out the right time and place to bring it up, and i also find it hard to begin talking without starting to cry. i dont want to cry to him, i dont want to sound whiney and miserable and insecure because i know thats not attractive. but i cant help but cry when i talk about it.

im scared that he wont agree with me, and then what do i do?

how do i say that iv been reading his texts without him getting really angry? i wish i had never done it in the first place.

i dont think he meets up with her very often, but i know that they have (also with other people not just the two of them alone) but in a few of the texts they were arranging meeting up and going for a drive together, which i wasnt comfortable with. i dont want to seem like some possesive clingy girlfriend, but thats just how i feel.

i do think he wants to be in a relationship with me, but i dont think he seems to understand that i need to feel appreicated and loved and actually desired. i know the whole 'honeymoon period' doesnt last forever but things arnt how i want them to be.

there are quite a few things about our relationship that i wish were different. like my ideal relationship is not totally the same as the one im in. but i enjoy spending time with him and i love him so much. sometimes it just feels like my feelings are reciprocated anymore.

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Heather
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Someone can love you but still not be serving you well or meeting your needs. At the same time, part of loving someone is deeply caring about what they care about and investing time and effort is making sure our relationships are healthy and mutually beneficial, and that everyone in them is getting what they need. If and when we know we can't meet those needs and wants, or don't want to, then being loving isn't blowing them off. It's being clear of that an, ideally, mutually changing or opting out of our relationship in order to love someone well.

He doesn't have to agree with what you want and need: you need and want whatever you do. That's not for him agree to or to disagree with. That's for him to hear, recognize, and then decide if he can or cannot, wants to or doesn't want to, try and fulfill those things, and then communicate all of that honestly.

When you invade someone's privacy, I think the only ethical thing to do is to come clean. If that makes them angry or upset, it does: we all have a right to be upset or angry if and when our privacy has been violated. So, you deal with him feeling however he feels and take responsibility for what you chose to do. (I'm assuming this isn't about worrying he will harm you when angry?)

With this girl, mind, it's not healthy to try and control the other relationships of someone you're with. If he wants to go for a drive with a friend, he should be able to do that, just like you should be able to do the same. If on that drive he wants to do anything which would break any agreements you have -- like being sexual in some way if you have an agreement to be exclusive -- that's different. But I'm hoping you two don't have any agreements either of you can't take a walk or a drive with friends?

How far from what you really want in a relationship is this? If it's really far, why stay in something that isn't really want you want instead of seeking out something that is? If you do just like spending time with him and love him, why not think about shifting this to a friendship rather than staying in it as a romantic relationship when it isn't what you really want, and also seems to be going a bit stale and staying stuck in ways that aren't working for you?

[ 06-09-2011, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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im not scared he will harm me, im scared of him shouting at me. hes never really shouted AT me before before but he does have a bad temper sometimes (not violent) and i get scared when people shout, especially men.

as i said at at the start, there is no problems with me having male friends (i dont actually have any real male friends but there wouldnt be a problem if i did) and theres no problem with my boyfriend having female friends. hes been on drives with his girl mates before, hes been to the cinema with a group of girls from work before and i wasnt there, and thats perfectly fine.

the reason im not fine with him going on a drive with this girl, is the fact that he texts her in a different way to how he texts his other girl mates he actually tells me about his other girl mates and if hes seen them etc, but he never mentions this one girl. the nature of the texts upsets me. for those reasons im uncomfortable with him then going out for 'a drive' with this girl, it all just seems very insensitive to my feelings.

its not really far from my ideal relationship. i love him and i love spending time with him. i just wish sometimes that we had a totally honest and easy realtionship. where we can talk about whatevers bothering us and just be open. i feel like its not. even with the whole sex thing we never really talk about sex, ever. and when i bring it up, like if i say something i liked he doesnt seem to wanna talk about it any further. just says something like "well thats good then." or just says "mm" in agreement. we never have conversations about it.

id also just like to point out that hes not all bad. and i know hes probably coming across as not a nice guy. but he is. and i know i am very insecure, and get paranoid easily. i have very low self confidence and feel like im quite a boring person. he tells me im not boring and hes said to me that he doesnt know what to do anymore when im down because nothing he says makes me feel better.

i think i might be stuck in my ideal world where relationships are like they are in the movies. but i guess they arnt.

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georgiexx
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and i have sexual feelings for him, and i love him as much more than a friend. i dunno, i dont think i could just be friends with him.

and in response to stephanie earlier, i havent gone to any counselling. which is a bit ridiculous really, im not exactly helping myself which im aware of. i know i cant just sit and wallow, so i need to sort that out

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Heather
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Shouting at people routinely, or any time someone feels anger, is a sign of someone who does not know how to manage their feelings in a healthy way. If in your relationship, you feel you cannot be honest or ask for things you want because you will be shouted at, that's a signal you're not in a healthy relationship.

If you two can't talk about things without either a) shouting or b) one of you just blowing the other off, then communication has really broken down. In order to keep having a relationship that's healthy and growing, that is going to have to be fixed. Do you think your boyfriend would invest energy in making those repairs?

Similarly, I'm hearing you say you don't trust him with this girl, and/or you feel insecure because he seems to be more interested in a relationship with her than in one with you. Is that correct? If so, then these are two things to talk about together. But I disagree that a partner choosing to go on an outing with a friend is insensitive to your feelings if on that outing, or with that person in the past, your partner hasn't broken any agreements with you. because someone makes you feel insecure isn't a sound reason to seek to try and control a partner's relationship with them. Dealing with that is about managing your own feelings yourself, including asking for the things you want and need in this relationship you feel she is getting and you're not, and, if your boyfriend won't deliver, either choosing to accept that and go without those things, or choosing to move on and seek out a partner who does want to and will give you those things.

Relationships aren't like they are in the movies. However, it's not unrealistic to want or have relationships in which communication is open and ongoing and where people can manage their own feelings. In fact, those are benchmark things in healthy relationships, and lots of people have them in their relationships and don't stick with or pursue relationships where those things aren't present.

You do still seem to be voicing some things like you have in the past -- low self-esteem, insecurity, feeling stuck -- where we've suggested counseling. Have you followed up with that at all?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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it might be jsut me getting scared over nothing. we have never had a full blown row where we are shouting or one of us is shouting. i guess im just worried because i was brought up with a father who had a VERY loud shout, and he shouted alot, and it was very frightening for me when i was young.

i think i chose the wrong word. hes not being 'insensitive' by going out with her for a drive. its more that i find it a bit suspicious. because he hasnt mentioned it to me, and because of the type of texts hes sending her plus the fact he never talks about her. when he has recieved texts from her while i am with him, he has put the phone down and not read it in front of me. then i move away to another room, look round the corner and hes reading it once im gone. that makes me feel uncomfortable and paranoid. thats a better explanation of why im not comfortable with this whole drive thing.

i think we are lacking in romance. but if he is not the romantic type, i guess theres not much i can do about that.

well i did go to the doctors and they gave me a place i could call. i havent called them, because of a mixture of reasons. i have had several ongoing college projects that needed to be done and along with my part time job i felt like i didnt have time. and also probably because i feel reluctant as i didnt really like going counselling when i did before. (though i know it wont necessarily be the same and not everyone clicks with every counsellor)

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Heather
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I can understand why you're feeling the way you are about his relationship with this girl if he's going about this in the way you describe.

So, you need to bring this up and say all of this to him, and see where that takes you. While it's usually not okay to try and control who someone is hanging out with, it certainly is okay to ask a partner not to conduct their relationships in secret and to be above-board with them.

If you're fearful about anger happening because of how you grew up, you can always make clear to a partner that it's really important to you that you both don't shout in your interactions. And your partner should respect that.

quote:
i think we are lacking in romance. but if he is not the romantic type, i guess theres not much i can do about that.
In terms of changing him? No, there isn't. Same goes for him changing that for himself. However, what you CAN do is choose a partner for yourself who is more of what you want, and who is more romantic. That's in your control.

I would encourage you to make time to follow up with counseling. There always needs to be time to take care of ourselves. And for sure, you need to remember that a counselor you had before and didn't click with it's every counselor.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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yes, i think i will talk to him and just try and explain. even though its quite difficult for me.
i dont know if hes comfortable with romance and typically romantic things, he comes across as not.but i understand i cant change him.

thank you for you advice heather [Smile]

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Heather
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So, here's another little takeaway you can have for next time, then. (I mean next time you pursue romantic relationships.)

You can know that one thing you want is a partner who is romantic and who does make romantic gestures. And you can ask people you're dating and thinking about getting serious with that question. That way, you can know how they feel about that right from the start, and not get further involved if they don't fit you bill. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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i have been thinking alot since yesterday, and i just did a 'relationship quiz' in my mums magazine (i know its silly to believe everything you read in a magazine) but this is actually quite an expert one, well it comes across as that. its all about psychology. and my result basically said evetything about me really accurately.

it said that i need constant love and affection in order to feel confident about my relationship, and i have a lack in confidence so even when im told im loved, i still doubt it and keep trying to analyse what hes 'REALLY thinking'. and also that i suffer in silence, only hint at my feelings with a sigh or a grumble rather than express them directly, then feel rejected and uncared for when my boyfriend doesnt seem to click on. but i dont do this for long, because i then express myself with tearful pleas of personal distress which is too overwhelming for my partner. and also perhaps hinting its all his fault (which i do try not to do, i always say 'i feel this' instead of 'i dont like it when YOU do this') i also feel unappreciated when i feel iv given my all to the relationship but he hasnt.

basically i feel this description is pretty much me. but the problem is, while i know that now, i know that maybe my expectations are too high, but at the same time, what do i do? i dont know how to change this, because iv realised i might actually be pushing him away. i know he doesnt have much confidence, but he acts like a 'typical man' about it (i dont mean to generalise and put all men in one box) but he doesnt like to show his lack of confidence much,he acts confident and just like all the guys he hangs out with. so at the same time its not just me who has issues in the relationship. i feel that even if i wanted to have a serious discussion about all this he wouldnt be comfortable and would be a bit vague in his response (but that is me just making assumptions, i havent actually tried)

i dont really know what im asking. basically, how can i try and solve this? i know that i want to be in a romantic relationship with him, i dont want anyone else right now, but my issues are getting in the way quite badly. i keep getting in such a tearful state, everyday.

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Heather
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I'm so sorry I somehow missed this reply of yours, georgiexx.

It sounds like a lot of the things you're describing here are about low self-esteem. But it also sounds like some of these feelings -- especially looking at the history of this relationship as you've posted about it here -- might be about a relationship that simply hasn't been working well, and just might not be the right one for either of you anymore.

When you say you want to be with him and not anyone else right now, can I ask if you've at any point considered not being in a romantic or sexual relationship with ANYONE for at least a little while? So that you can really work on our own stuff, without grappling with a troubled relationship at the same time, and maybe also get a clearer perspective on what you really want and need?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just checking in to see how you're doing.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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Hi heather, thanks for checking up, makes me feel like i'm not forgotten! [Smile]
i think my relationship has definitely improved since i last spoke to you. i got some courage and told him how i feel, also his best friend (who is also a friend of mine) talked to him about it, and i think that getting that chat from another guy (who has been his friend since they were babies basically)made him realise even more about how i feel sometimes, and that im not trying to be over the top or possesive or anything.because even his best friend has noticed he sometimes isnt very attentive.

i've noticed hes been trying alot harder to reply to my texts and actually just talk to me more. cos i said to him that i feel like we dont actually talk? and he mentioned the girl i said he was texting, without me even bringing it up, to explain how it really is nothing and they are just friends. i do feel a lot better at the moment. hes even asked if he can come round to mine, something he never does. so i think hes really trying, and i feel better about the relationship.

that said, it might just be a short term thing and he nay slip back into being 'comfortable' again, in which case its either something i just have to accept, or if not i will have to reconsider our relationship.

the only thing thats bothering me, is still sex related stuff. but i kind of accept that im the way i am when it comes to sex, and hopefully things will change eventually.but its always something that plays on my mind

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Heather
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You're not forgotten. I wonder about you often. [Smile]

It's great to hear about some of the positive changes in your relationship. For sure, you want to stay mindful about if they stick around, but you can also do what you can to reinforce them by just letting your boyfriend know you appreciate them when he does these things.

But I'm also glad to hear you thinking more about having limits with these things. That's a super-big deal.

I'm around for a little while longer if you'd like to talk about where you're at around sex these days and get any feedback.

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georgiexx
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yeah i think that if it feels like its going back to 'normal' again i can always say something to boost it back up again, remind him that we still need to make effort.

well, with the whole sex thing. i havent been getting so worked up about it, like nowhere near as worked up. i've just forgotten about it, and we have still been doing it but i'm ok with that and it hasnt been bothering me that i didnt get much out of it, i just accepted it, and liked the closeness and intimacy of it.

but lately, i think that the fact i havent been thinking about it, has kind of turned on some kind of switch? before, i didnt really know for sure what it felt like to be horny, but now, i dont get like mega crazy horny, but i am feeling in the moood quite alot. i dont really know how to explain it, its a frustrating feeling, because i really want to do it, and i feel kind of, aroused? but as soon as either i or my boyfriend start touching myself it doesnt do anything.

and i know this is pretty much the problem i had before, exceot before i didnt even feel much in the mood, so i guess that was a big part of it, but now i am in the mood, and i get a bit (not mega) but a bit excited and i can feel fluttery feelings and stuff, but once again theres nothing i can do about it.

and pretty much every other day, i wake up in the morning and everything down there is going a bit crazy, like pulsating? and it feels kinda nice but REALLY frustrating cos it feels like just the beginning of something that could be a lot nicer. its more of an uncomfortable feeling, because i dont know, it feels like it needs to really release? im probably not making any sense at all im sorry!

basically i only get that when i wake up, and as soon as im fully awake it just vanishes. and theres nothing i can do. iv been trying to masturbate when im feeling horny, nothing happens, and nothing happens when my boyfriend touches me either. its just starting to frustrate me quite alot.

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Heather
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My thoughts are that if you keep having kinds of sex that really don't feel great to you, it's going to be awfully tough to transition into a sex life that is what you really want, including everything feeling really good.

Do you know what I mean by that?

Of course, I'm also still thinking, as we've talked about in the past, that some therapy would be a really, really good idea.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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yes i do understand what you're saying. it's just difficult because i do like the intimate aspects of sex, and the general closeness of it. But i know what you're saying makes sense.

As well as therapy, but i dont know why, i always think that if i walked into somewhere where they offer therapy and i explain my problem, it seems so petty? surely there are people with bigger problems that would need to see a therapist. i dont know.

would you be able to explain any possible reasons for why this is happening to me? i feel horny, i even get sexually frustrated and its started to get pretty active down there, where as before i felt dead from the waist down. but as soon as i touch it, or my boyfriend touches it, theres no feeling. why could this be?

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Heather
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Well, are there kinds of sex that you DO find you really like and feel really good? To give you some cues, it might help to read this first: What's Sex?

You know, therapy isn't just about people going through major traumas. If we needed to sum up what therapy is for, as briefly as possible, I'd say a good way to do that is that therapy is for people who are or feel stuck in some way. That's all.

And our sexual lives are usually no small thing: ongoing sexual issues, as you know, can really do a number on us. A good therapist knows this, and does not think this part of life is small or petty.

I feel like we've talked a lot in the past about the possible whys for all of this, and I doubt they've changed, you know? It's not that I'm not wanting to talk with you, it's just that I feel we've kind of discussed that to death, and that knowing what those whys could be clearly hasn't gotten you very far so far.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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well, nothing feels 'really good'. nothing sexual anyway. I mean looking at that list of different types of sex, none of them fill me with a great pleasure or anything. i only ever get sexual frustration, where i really want some of those things to happen to me, and the thought of it makes me horny, but then when it happens its just...nothing.

Okay, well i think i will look into therapy then, not sure whether to look for sexual therapy as i dont think theres one in my area thats free. but maybe normal therapy, though i dont know if that will work because its not centred on sex.

yeah i know we've talked alot, im sorry about that i do tend to ask similar questions all the time.
thank you heather [Smile]

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Heather
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It's so not about talking too much or asking similar questions, so don't worry about that. It's just an issue of going round and round about the same things sometimes in ways that either don't seem to be helping, or where the same conversations may just wind up keeping you stuck instead of moving you forward, you know?

In other words, if I'm stuck somewhere in my life, I can analyze the possible or actual whys until the cows come home, but if I don't take actual steps to work on things and change my situation, those whys aren't going to do much for me.

I do still think some of this might be about this particular partner not being a good fit for you, but that's certainly something you can talk about in counseling or therapy. And I know, you're still not feeling anything great alone, either, but our intimate relationships can have a big impact on how we feel about our sexuality, even by ourselves.

Way back when in your posts, I connected you with some links for local services which included a possible resource for sex therapy. Did you ever check those out?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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yeah I see what you mean. I need to do something about it otherwise nothing will change.

I can see why you may think that it's because me and my boyfriend arn't a good fit, but i don't think that't it. I know you are the expert here so i feel silly saying i dont agree, but i've always had problems masturbating, even before i knew my boyfriend. and i am very attracted to him, both sexually and emotionally, but i suppose that is something for therapy.

there was the GUM clinic i think? but the one in my area only deals with mens sexual difficulties. and i cant remember what the others were? i'll have to look it up.

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Heather
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Hey, just because I have a theory doesn't mean I'm right! But this is another reason why I think you'd benefit most from a therapist who can really get to know you and your life, in-person, and talk to you directly on a regular basis.

I think it was through the GUM clinic. But even if that one in your area only deals with men, that's no reason not to go call/see them and ask them to help connect you to someone who can help you. A given clinic only specializing in one thing doesn't mean they can't refer you to someone appropriate: most clinics do that all the time and are equipped to do that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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ahh okay, i didn't know that. thanks for your help heather, i will do that.
i do really need to get this sorted once and for all.

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Heather
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No trouble. And you know where to find me if you think I can be of more help. [Smile]

Hang in there, you!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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