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Author Topic: Sexual side of relationship not going so well?
Amy A
Member # 40137

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I have two concerns. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months. I am a virgin, and he's not. I'm 20 and he's 21.

1) We have done lots of making out, but just started doing stuff under the pants. It was really awkward and I think we both feel bad about it. The second time I gave him a handjob, things seemed to be going okay. But then he fingered me after and I wasn't getting much out of it. I think this upset him because he was acting really weird after that. He felt upset about it, and I felt bad that he felt bad. I reassured him that he isn't doing anything wrong, and that I still really enjoyed it. Just because I don't get off from it doesn't mean it's not worth doing or that it doesn't feel great. But, he kept worrying and things were weird between us for a few days.

On the weekend he came over, but we just hung out without doing anything except kissing. It was really nice and things felt better between us after. He even said it was nice to have a break from the physical side of things. Which is fine, but I can't be in a relationship that is only good as long as we don't do anything sexual.

I am not sure if HE doesn't feel okay with doing sexual stuff and that's why he keeps worrying. I am pretty comfortable with my sexuality and don't feel guilty about it at all, so sometimes I forget that other people aren't as comfortable with it. But I have no idea if that's actually the cause of anything.

And I feel bad because if he got to the point where he had sex with his ex girlfriend, their sex life must have been okay. Like it must not have caused so many problems for them that they were better off not doing sexual stuff, like he and I are. I am trying very hard not to compare or jump to conclusions like that, but it's still in the back of my mind, making me self conscious.

2) Also, he keeps worrying that he's pressuring me into doing sexual stuff. We'll do something and then a for a few days later he'll keep asking if I am okay with what we did, and that I'm sure we didn't go too far. I'm not sure why he's so worried - maybe he sees me as inexperienced, or maybe because I am unsure of myself in the bedroom sometimes. But I am very ready to do these things with him. I wish he would stop asking because it makes me feel like I am not allowed to want the sexual side of things - almost like it's something to be ashamed of. I mean, we've been together for 3 months which to me is not moving too fast.

I am not sure whether both of these problems will go away with time. I mean, the sexual side of things is very new in our relationship and maybe we just haven't adjusted yet.

I am also unsure whether to talk to him about it. He is pretty sensitive and worries about the smallest things, and I don't want to bring it up and make him all worried again. I don't know if I should just wait and see if we get more comfortable with each other and things get better or talk it out right away.

Posts: 23 | From: San Diego | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50455

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Sometimes people do not mesh sexually. And because everyone is different, and every relationship is different, how quickly he moved with another person doesn't really have an impact on how quickly he feels able to move with you.

The biggest thing here is to not pressure him to do anything sexually that he's not ready for.

This might be a good article for both of you to read, either together or apart.

Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

And here's an article about sex and readiness that, again, you both may want to read.

Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

[ 04-05-2011, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: CoatRack ]

Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

Posts: 441 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Amy A
Member # 40137

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I guess I should ask him if he's ready, but I don't think that's the problem. I think it's more HE is worried that I'm not ready, and he thinks he's bad in bed because I can't orgasm.

He and I have really only gone beyond kissing 2 or 3 times, so maybe we just haven't figured each other out yet?

Thank you for the aritcles, they were helpful.

Posts: 23 | From: San Diego | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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