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Kalex
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Member # 43486

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Hi there,

I think I need to talk to someone about my feelings around sex. I'm nineteen, I've been in a relationship for a year and a half, and I still don't feel 'ready' to have intercourse. I love my boyfriend. He's one of the kindest, most caring people I've ever met, and I'm really happy and comfortable with him.

I just don't feel comfortable with intercourse yet and I can't wrap my head around why. I think I need to unpack some stuff.

Posts: 52 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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No trouble, happy to talk to you about this.

Are you two engaging in other kinds of sex? If so, how have you been feeling about those?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kalex
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Thanks, Heather!

Yes, we've been quite happily engaging in 'dry humping' (such an inelegant word for it), oral, and manual. It's both our our first real experience with anything of the sort, so we started out slowly.

I'm definitely attracted to him. We have good chemistry, and we're better at communicating what works and what doesn't. I'm largely comfortable being naked around him, and it feels wonderful to have so much physical contact.

It's when he brings up sex that I get uncomfortable. He definitely doesn't pressure me or anything. The last time he brought it up was November, and I made it clear I still didn't feel ready, and he dropped it. I can tell it would mean a whole lot to him if I said yes.

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Heather
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Can you tell me what it would mean to him? And why it may mean something different than the other kinds of sex you have been having?

Beyond it meaning a lot to him, can I ask intercourse feels like something you *want* to do? I hear that you don't feel ready, but clearly there are kinds of sex you eant, enjoy and feel ready for, so I want to check in to see if intercourse is something you even want, for yourself.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68006 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kalex
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Member # 43486

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Partly it's the fact that he's 21 and still a virgin. Intercourse seems to be really meaningful to him in a way that I'm not sure I fully understand. I think it's the closeness that's a big thing for him-not just rubbing against each other, but him actually being inside me. He wants to 'make love', and while I've talked to him about how other activities are sex to me, I think intercourse still has certain meanings to him.

I just came back from having lunch with him. We'd hardly seen each other in two weeks and it was so nice to spend some time with him. He was in a really high-quality production of the Laramie Project. We had a good talk about it. I've never seen him cry before...I think the experience really affected him. We were talking about Matthew Shepard and the fallout from what happened to him. There's a lot of hate and a lot of love in that play. He's a lot more spiritual than I am, it was interesting to see his take on it.

Regarding your other question, I really don't know. Like you said, I enjoy other kinds of sex, but when it comes to intercourse, I feel uncomfortable. Despite the fact that I know rationally that sex is sex is sex, and I don't need to put so much emphasis on one kind over another...there's a lot of cultural messaging I've absorbed over the years, and it's hard to reconcile that. When I was younger, anything to do with kissing and sex just grossed me out, and I think it's related to that.

I'm not good at being emotionally open most of the time. Never have. Except with my boyfriend. He makes it very easy to be vulnerable, and I know he won't break my trust. Sometimes it's scary that I have someone who seems to understand me and thinks so highly of me.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, what I'm hearing is that you just don't feel ready. Maybe you're not exactly sure why, which I'm sure is frustrating, but we also don't have to know why we don't feel ready for something or don't want something to know that we just don't.

It sounds like you have a very sensitive, thoughtful partner. Perhaps the two of you can talk some more about all of this, including a discussion about how love or lovemaking can be part of EVERY kind of sex, not just one? And how it might be a lot easier and more sound for him to try and adjust his thinking on that rather than for you to feel inclined to do something you know you just don't feel good about yet?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68006 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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