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Author Topic: Will sex ever be sex again after rape?
m0biuxx
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My girlfriend was about half a year ago, before we were dating. Of course it was a horrible thing that happened to her.

However, she really wants to have sex, and we tried once, and she started to have flashbacks, and we had to stop. It was horrible, and I wish I wouldn't have tried it, even though she wanted to.

She still wants to, but I don't want her to have flashbacks, I want it to bee good for her.

She entirely trusts me, and is entirely comfortable with me, but any sort of sexual stimulation triggers a flashback for her.

What can we do to make this go away, so we can have a healthy sex life.

[ 08-01-2008, 02:14 AM: Message edited by: m0biuxx ]

Posts: 5 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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Hey mobiuxx. It's nice to see a partner putting forth this kind of extra effort to help their significant other. Has your girlfriend ever had counseling for the rape? If not, that would probably be the best thing for her in terms of helping her to be able to move on and have healthy relationships, both sexual and non. We just can't wish away sexual assault, as much as we really and truly want to. It's something that has to be worked through in order to recover and heal from it.

One place she may want to go is RAINN's online hotline or use the phone hotline for RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE). They can link her to some local resources (which we would also be glad to do for her as well; it's all up to her with what she is more comfortable with) and also talk to her about some of the issues she is dealing with. She may also find the following pages on RAINN's website to be helpful: Recovering from Sexual Assault and Effects of Sexual Assault. You may also find that last one helpful for you to look at, as well as this one on helping a loved one.

Two more resources for her (and you) to take a look at are Rape Is and Pandora's Aquarium. The second one is a place where victims of rape can talk about their experiences and get support from other survivors. The first one provides a list of resources, readings, and numerous other services to help victims of rape and their loved ones (or anyone who is interested in the subject and wants to learn more).

I would suggest that until she starts getting some in-person counseling for this and her triggers lessen that the two of you step back from sexual activities for a while. I understand how hard that can be, but attempting to do so when her triggers are so strong can make them worse. I know that's not your fault, and I'm certainly not blaming you. If this is a limit she won't set on her own, though, then you might have to do it for her. I would suggest letting her know that as gently as possible, that you feel it might be better to wait a while but you are still there to support her through this.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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By the by, mobiuxx: where are you both at in MN? I ask because there is an excellent resource for counseling and women's support groups in Minneapolis if she is there or can get there.

Duluth also has some good ones, as I recall.

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m0biuxx
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@orca: Thank you so much for all advice and help. I will defiantly do that. And she does always try to be sexually active, but I wont let her. I do make sure that nothing happens in that area between us.

@Heather: Thanks, we are both from Bemidji, MN. I don't think she would be able to go too far, perhaps Duluth. Could you hook me up with that information for her?

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m0biuxx
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Turns out there is another complexity I just learned from her last night. She told me that while she used to attain pleasure from masturbation, she now cannot attain any pleasure from personal masturbation, or me.

I should note also, that this inability to attain pleasure is only in the vaginal region.

She also expressed concern to me that has genophobia.

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cool87
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Those are just normal things considering what happened to your partner and they will likely get better with time and once she starts dealing with her rape. That's why counseling could be a good thing for her. Has she ever thought about giving it a try ? Orca also gave you some good ressources that might be useful as well to your partner.

I definatly think avoiding intercourse (or any other sexual activity that may trigger your partner) for now would be a good thing to do since this seem to be a big trigger for her.

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Heather
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Genophobia -- fear of sexual intercourse -- is, as cool mentioned, exceptionally normal for someone who has been sexually assaulted.

Here are that resource for her in Duluth:
The Women's Coalition: (218) 726-1528

I'd also suggest she call Chrysalis in Minneapolis to get more resources nearer to you: (612) 871-0118 is she needs them.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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livelife18
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an someone tell me how to put up
a post plz i am new and have a serious concern
thanks

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cool87
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You simply choose a section of the boards, be it Ask Scarleteen or Body or Soul or another one and once you're in a section of the boards, you click on the New topic button which is at the top of the page on the right.

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m0biuxx
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Last night we tried again, she was insisting on it, and feeling very confident that it would be fine this time. Eventually, after an hour or so of bothering me, I gave in, figuring that we could try it, but I would not push it any tiny bit.

It turned out that she was totally fine, had no problems, fear, anxiety, or uncontrolled tightening of the muscles.

Extremely happy about us discovering it was alright, we went again... And again... Then about 10 minutes after the third time, she was feeling sore, and that made her a little afraid, but hardly at all, as afraid as she used to (a week ago or so) get from nipple stimulation. She controlled it fine and we fell asleep.

Then we tried again this morning, and it was almost fine again, but this time it effected her negatively even less than last night.

I think that she might be getting much better, and although I told her she should talk about it with a trained professional, she took her course of action and it seems to be working.

I still thank everyone for your help, and I will probably linger here for a while longer, giving you another update sometime, and also, please let me know your opinions.

Posts: 5 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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