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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » suicide.

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Author Topic: suicide.
Brianna
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Member # 30599

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This is too hard. I can't deal with this constant pain. No medication will help this. Nothing will help this. Being in a hospital won't help this.

I want to die. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I don't want to be a constant burden on Eric. If I die, he won't have to deal with me anymore. He won't have to keep struggling with me. He will get a good night's sleep. He won't have a psychotic girlfriend who won't let him live the college life. If I just die, he'll be free.

My mom will able to afford to live wherever she wants. She won't have to deal with a psychotic daughter who has to go to therapy. She won't need to be strong minded for me. She won't have to make sure I'm alright.

nobody will care when i'm gone. everybody will be much happier if i just left. sure, they might be sad for a couple of weeks when i die, but in the long run they'll be happier that i went.

why would anybody care about an ugly, selfish, disgusting, crippled, psychotic bitch? who would want to live like that? who would want that to live?

Posts: 63 | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
samantha357
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Member # 29651

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i cry and pray for you. Nobody is that unwanted/etc. Im not a pro, and i hope you get the help you deserve.


(Sry forgot what forum i was in.)

[ 10-21-2006, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: samantha357 ]

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"All is fair in love in war... wait... that doesn't sound right..."

The love you cant have lasts the longest, feels the strongest... & hurts the deepest

Posts: 81 | From: Oklahoma, USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I have to be frank: really, Scarleteen is NOT the place for suicide threats. It's out of our area of expertise, and more to the point, the woman who runs this site -- me -- had to, at the age of sixteen, help clean the first person she loved and loved her back's bloody brains off a wall because of suicide.

Suffice it to say, even as someone previously hospitalized for attempts herself before that happened, that event, and other suicides in my life, have made me almost entirely unsympathetic. I am triggered by that the same way I am triggered by past rapes. If I hear a gunshot, see anything like it -- even a gun put to the head of someone -- if I see guns used as "funny," if someone even makes light of blowing their brains out, my heart starts beating like crazy, and more than once I have thrown up. If a partner of mine comes home way later than expected without calling, or I don't hear from someone down for a while, I panic like no one's business. I cannot have in-depth relationships with anyone in any sort of deep depression or who is even remotely suicidal: what my partner did built walls for me that will likely never come down. And this was now 20 years ago. So if you think this is a quick fix for anyone BUT you, you are seriously delusional or plain old lying to suit yourself.

Ultimately, living or not IS your choice, and it's your right to make that choice. But I'd suggest that you hospitalize yourself or seek real help first, if for no other reason than the fact that even one person like this boyfriend you said has helped you so much?

You leave your mess in his hands, your Mom's hands, which, your right or not, is a shittier and more painful thing to do than you can possibly imagine. Having been on both sides of the fence, I can assure you that their pain will be far more hurtful than what you're feeling now. So, excuse me, but I call BIG bullshit on them not having to deal with you anymore. You have NO idea how much they'll have to deal with you, and without any of the good parts. They then gets to deal with you for the rest of their lives, and without your support at all. Even the no one cares thing? You know, I know that my partner at the time was thinking the same thing, save knoing I cared and friend or two did. And yet: at his wake, there were LINES of people. Nearly every single person he had ever known, even people he had only met once or twice. More people always care about us than any of us can ever know.

So. Please don't bring this here: get the help that you need, and stick with it, like a smart, mature and compassionate person would. And if you've any care for anyone in your life, make a better choice than this, and get that help, pronto. (Or hell: go to the morgue. Ask to see the body of a suicide, of any type: that's what the people who love you get left with.) Absolutely, you have some hard challanges. On the other hand, a lot of people have lived through a whole lot worse and figured out how to deal. You can too: you just don't want to. And you're right: that is selfish. So is being so concerned with whether or not people care enough about you that you're clearly considering treating them with no care whatsoever.

Sorry to be so harsh, butcha know, I've dealt with a lot of trauma in my life, and I'm not sure that it gets more harsh than surviving someone you love who does this.

[ 10-21-2006, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Brianna
Activist
Member # 30599

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I hate you. please delete my membership from your site immediately.
Posts: 63 | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Go ahead and hate me.

We've all invested a lot of time in doing everything we possibly can to help you, and it sounds like the people in your life have, too. Maybe if all of that hasn't helped, being really pissed off at me will. I'm less concerned about being hated than I am with you or anyone else wasting their life and traumatizing people who love and trust them. You know by now that the deal here is that when people bring things to the table, we address them as honestly as we can, and this is honesty, gal. It's not pretty, but neither is what you're thinking about, and I'm not about to let someone have the delusion that it is.

I just hope to god that for your sake and the sake of the people that love you you can figure out a way to work it through and deal.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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