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Author Topic: How do I explain?
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hey again,

My boyfriend came over today, and I hadnt seen him in a couple of nights and so he really wanted to have sex. He knows Im not on my period, so I couldnt use that excuse. So I just let him do it and it hurt me alot because of what has happened. Now I really dont feel good about it. Its not him, he didnt do anything wrong, he doesnt know what happened so it wasnt his fault. I just dont knwo how to explain to him that I cant do it for a while because I am just need to heal from what has happened and I need to get through this whole reporting process before I can even be ready to want sex again.

I am scared he wont want me anymore if I tell him about it all. I feel all used up, and Im scared he will see me that way too. How do I explain to him that I just cant do that for a while without telling him what happened? I cant lose him right now. But I also am just not feeling like I want sex of any kind right now, I dont even want to think about it.

Nixie

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Nixie, I'm remembering that you have a really good history with this guy, yes? he's been around for a while and been really good to you, yes?

You have GOT to find a way to deal with this part of it. It's so, so bad for you to keep having sex when you don't want to, especially right after another rape. You can't sacrifice your own healing this way.

Have you talked to your counselor about this?

The other night, were you able to tell him that's just not something you wanted?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hey,

I didnt really know how to ask my counselor about it because I was a little shy about it and I saw her before it happened today. I am really not good at saying no to sex because I feel like if I do it will just be worse. I guess thats from what happened. Yeah he has been so good to me. And he knows me really well, but he knows the side of me which is pretty much always happy which is what I try to be around him. I dont want to tell him all thats going on or he wouldnt want me anymore.

Afterwards, when we were done this morning and he went back to university, I felt so sick again, like it had happened all over again, and it wasnt even like that. I cant lose my family and him all at once. This whole thing is just killing me.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I ask why you think you'll lose him if you tell him?

Let me preface that: pretty much no one with any intelligence is going to presume that someone of the depth I notice you have has had a totally charmed life. So, I'm willing to bet that some part of him likely knows there is more under the surface there.

And while I know you are very vulnerable right now (frankly, I'd personally advise someone in your situation either not to BE in a sexual relationship right now, or to only be with someone who was fully informed), part of really having intimate relationships is sharing the hard stuff as well as the nice stuff. Is being ALL of yourself: if you don't, then you can't have much more than a superficial relationship.

So, I'm going to suggest you do talk to the counselor about this, and in the interim, give you what I'd advise, both options of which likely aren't going to sound like what you want.

Either do NOT be in a sexual realtionship right now, period, or find a way to tell your boyfriend about this. I'm not psychic, and no one can guarantee stuff like this, but given how long he's been around, and given assuming he IS a good person worth keeping around, I'm willing to bet divulging this will NOT result in losing him.

He might need some help dealing with it, so it might be something you'll want to have your counselor help with, and having partners deal isn't always easy, but I think if you are going to still be in this, you've got to find a way to tell him, because what you're doing now just isn't healthy for you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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The thing is, I would like him to know the truth. But I dont want to have to go through teling him which I know is stupid because otherwise he wont know. I just dont feel like sex at all. I dont want it, it makes me feel really scared and I just dont feel comfortable doing it at all. If I told him, I dont want it to be in a really sad way. I want to tell him like a survivor, which I dont feel much of at the moment. But I dont want him to feel bad for me, or for our relationship to be different at all. But I do want him to know ME. And I guess this will always be a part of me, even if it is a part that I dont want there.

I want to tell him what happened, that Im dealing with it, and it wont change things with us, but that I just cant have sex for a while. And sometimes I will be upset and I dont want to talk about it but its not with him. And I can say that all on here so easily, But then when I see him I just dont know how to. Also he doesnt know that I go to counselling either. So I have to tell him that all this time I have been basically lying to him about that and about getting hurt all those nights, which I know he wont be happy about.

How do I just say it like that? I dont know when I should bring it up? And if he does leave, I cant deal with that right now.

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